Ladies and Gents,

Our badge is being dined out and going over to the dark side. For the insert to the menu I would like to put in a poem about the SNCO or Sgts' Mess. I have seen them about but can't lay my hands on one.

Your help would be appreciated if you have such a ditty worthy of a dine out.


I think I got most of these off here at some point so I can't take any credit but you are welcome to them.

Wellington himself acknowledged the failings of many NCOs :'... they are as bad as the men, and too near them, in point of pay and situation ... for us to expect them to do anything to keep the men in order!' Yet he recognized their importance in performing duties which officers would have undertaken had they not been constrained by being 'gentlemen': '... all that work is done by the non-commissioned officers of the Guards. It is true that they regularly get drunk once a day - by eight in the evening - and go to bed soon after, but then they always take care to do first whatever they were bid'; and, speaking of sergeants, he remarked 'I am convinced that there would be nothing so intelligent, so valuable, as English soldiers of that rank, if you could get them sober, which is impossible.

Story 1

Eleven people were dangling below a helicopter on a rope. There were ten Officers and one Sergeant.
Since the rope was not strong enough to hold all the eleven, they decided that one of them had to let go to save all the others.

They could not decide who should be the volunteer. Finally the Sergeant said he would let go of the rope since Sergeants are used to doing everything for the good of the Service. They forsake their family, don’t claim all of their expenses and do a lot of overtime without getting anything in return

When he finished his moving speech all the Officers began to clap…

Never underestimate the powers of a Sergeant

Story 2

A group of Sergeants and a group of Officers take a train to a conference. Each Officer holds a ticket. But the entire group of Sergeants has bought only one ticket for a single passenger. The Officers are just shaking their heads and are secretly pleased that the arrogant Sergeants will finally get what they deserve.

Suddenly one of the Sergeants calls out: “The conductor is coming!”. At once, all the Sergeants jump up and squeeze into one of the toilets. The conductor checks the tickets of the Officers. When he notices that the toilet is occupied he knocks on the door and says: “Ticket, please!” One of the Sergeants slides the single ticket under the doors and the conductor continues merrily on his round.

For the return trip the Officers decide to use the same trick. They buy only one ticket for the entire group but they are baffled as they realize that the Sergeants didn’t buy any tickets at all. After a while one of the Sergeants announces again: “The conductor is coming!” Immediately all the Officers race to a toilet and lock themselves in.

All the Sergeants leisurely walk to the other toilet. Before the last Sergeant enters the toilet, he knocks on the toilet occupied by the Officers and says: “Ticket, please!”

And the moral of the story?

Officers like to use the methods of the Sergeants, but they don’t really understand them.

Story 3

Once upon a time three Officers were walking through the woods and suddenly they were standing in front of a huge, wild river. But they desperately had to get to the other side. But how, with such a raging torrent? The first Officer knelt down and prayed to the Lord: “Lord, please give me the strength to cross this river! "

The Lord gave him long arms and strong legs. Now he could swim across the river. It took him about two hours and he almost drowned several times.
BUT: he was successful!

The second Officer, who observed this, prayed to the Lord and said: “Lord, please give me the strength AND the necessary tools to cross this river!”

The Lord gave him a tub and he managed to cross the river despite the fact that the tub almost capsized a couple of times.

The third Officer who observed all this knelt down and prayed: “Lord, please give me the strength, the means and the intelligence to cross this river!”

The Lord converted the Officer into a Sergeant. The Sergeant took a quick glance on the map, walked a few meters upstream and crossed the bridge.

Officers to Sgts Mess PU.

Officer and Sergeant end up in the bogs at the same time for a slash.

Officer finishes and goes and starts washing his hands.

Sergeant finishes and walks out the door.

The officer catches up with the Sgt as says "We officers are taught to wash our hands after using the toilet"

The Sgt replies "We Sgts are taught not to p1ss on our fingers"


A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realises he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The man below says, “Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees North latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees West longitude.”

“You must be a Warrant Officer,” says the balloonist.

“I am”, replies the man. “How did you know?”

“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I’m still lost.”

The man below says, “You must be an officer.”

“I am” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well,” says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before you involved me, but now you believe it is somehow my fault!”
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