snakes

Discussion in 'Staff College and Staff Officers' started by up_periscope, Mar 21, 2002.

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  1. stereotypes?  what stereo types!!

    How the military deal with snakes

    1.Infantry: Tracks snake through jungle. Snake smells them and quickly leaves area, travelling upwind.

    2. Parachute Regiment: Lands on and kills snake.

    3. Armour: Runs over snake, laughs and looks for more snakes.

    4. Cavalry: Treats snake with haughty disdain as having no impact on primary objective - to hold London against Roundheads at all costs.

    5. Royal Marine Commando: Plays with snake, gets smashed with snake. Eats snake.

    6. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares tactical plan for fixing snake using counter-mobility assets and defeating snake using mobility assets. Chain of command pay no attention. Snake falls into hole dug by infantry and drowns.

    7. Artillery: Fires 3 hour concentrated barrage. Misses snake. Tree blown up by stray round falls on snake and kills it. Mission declared successful and all participants awarded gallantry medals.

    8. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake and, ignoring Foreign Office directives, builds rapport with snake and starts winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files massive expenses claim. Writes best-seller "Python Two Zero".

    9. Army Medical Services: Snake dies by mistake on operating table.  Dissects snake.

    10. Royal Navy: Fires 183 missiles from 17 ships. Estimates 60% of snake killed.  Makes PowerPoint presentation to MoD Select Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost effective means of conducting anti-snake operations.

    11. TA: Kills snake by accident on weekend camp. Keeps quiet about it.

    12. RAF: Obtains geo-co-ordinates for snake. Alerts 40 Jaguars, 20 Harriers, RAF Regiment. Loads laser-guided bombs by mistake. Flies in at 20,000 feet. Can't find snake. Drops bombs in sea on way home. Returns to base for crew rest, dry-cleaning collection, facial and manicure.

    13. Intelligence Corps: Snake? What snake? Only 4 of 35 indicators of snake presence currently active.  Assesses potential for snake activity as low. Dies of snake-bite.

    14. Defence Logistic Organisation: Orders 2 year study by Anderson Consultants at cost of  £1.5M, generating massive workload at grade 1 staff level. Report finds that killing snake may contribute to 20% output costing savings by inclusion of snake meat in tri-Service messing. Snake Meat Implementation Team formed, with 2-star tri-Service steering group. Aim to introduce snake meat into all messes and ration packs by 2002. Snake experts from Special Forces and Gurkhas do not know what they are talking about.  High profile £2M PR campaign launched featuring celebrity chef Ainsley Harriott and retired 4-star officers keen to supplement their excessive pensions.  Snake meat launched in Service messes and restaurants to resounding clamour of apathy. Desperate to recoup lost money, Army demolishes 300 married quarters and sells snake meat holdings to Indian and Canadian Armed Forces.

    15. Defence Procurement Agency: Decide they want to buy a Snake. Offer ambiguous contract out for tender. Contract states that an eel will be supplied as Government Furnished Equipment and must be modified to meet the performance characteristics of a snake as laid out in the aforementioned ambiguous contract. 6 years late and 3 billion pounds over budget, the project is scrapped and a COTS snake is bought from the USA for $10 billion.

    16. Adjutant General: Determines that the snake is not black, female, homosexual or disabled. Loses interest.

    happiness is 500ft down in a force 10
     
  2. Bad CO

    Bad CO LE Admin Reviews Editor Gallery Guru

    Hmm have you been copying page 1 of our humour pages?
    Still funny mind....

    Anyone got the MOD answer phone message

    ..... press 1 for the Navy if your problem can wait 6 months and is by the sea.

    press 2 if your problem can be solved by a few high level bombing runs. Note not available after 1600 and on weekends, etc
     
  3. GunnersQuadrant

    GunnersQuadrant LE Moderator

    Here it is Bad CO

    Ministry of Defence - Voice Mail Message

    Thank you for calling the British Army, I'm sorry but all of our units are out at the moment or are otherwise engaged. Please leave a message with your country, name of organisation, the region, the specific crisis and a number at which we can call you. As soon as we have sorted out the Balkans, Iraq, Northern Ireland, marching up and down bits of tarmac in London and compulsory Equal Opportunities training, we will return your call.

    Please speak after the tone, or if you require more options, please listen to the following numbers:

    If your crisis is small and close to the sea, press 1 for the Royal Marines.

    If your concern is distant, with tropical climate and good hotels and can be solved by one or two low risk bombing runs, please press # for the Royal Air Force. Please note this service is not available after 1630 hours or at weekends.

    If your enquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a grey funnel, some bunting, flags, a damn good cocktail party and a first class marching band, please write, well in advance, to the First Sea Lord, The Ministry of Defence, Whitehall, London SW1.

    If your enquiry is not urgent, please press 2 for the Allied Rapid Reaction Corps.

    If you are in real, hot trouble please press 3 and your call will be routed to Sandline International.

    If you are interested in joining the Army and wish to be shouted at, paid little, have premature arthritis in both knees, put your wife and family in a condemned hut miles from civilisation and are prepared to work your a**e off daily, risking life and limb in all weathers and terrain, both day and night while watching the Treasury erode your original terms and conditions of service, then please stay on the line. Your call will shortly be connected to a bitter passed-over Recruiting Sergeant in a grotty shop behind the railway station.

    Have a pleasant day and thank you again for trying to contact the British Army.
     
  4. You missed out the Royal Signals Snake Killing Techniques:

    Using clever EW techniques, Signaller DFs snake, then sterilises snake with a huge burst of RF energy, whilst snake is stunned, Signaller drops heavy Ptarmigan SHF set on snake ... killing it.  Rejoices in the fact that there is a use for Ptarmigan.
     
  5. Killing Ptarmigan or the snake?
     
  6. 17. RLC:  Snake recruited as storeman, snake is forced into fellatio by sgt, snake bites sgt's c*ck off, snake thrown out of window, snake tries to commit 'suicide' with L85A2, jams, uses .....colt PYTHON instead. ;D
     
  7. V.funny.  ;D
     
  8. ERM......I AM LOST IN HERE

    SNAKE!!!!
    THATS NOT AT ALL HOW I WOULD DEAL WITH IT!
    ;D :-*


    >>>>puts on her hipsters pair of trousers, smiling at the memories
     
  9. So tell me how you would deal with this mighty tubular beast then, Swaying Hips? ;D
     
  10. She probably sat on it and squished it ;) Judging by the fact that her hips are swaying that much I can only assume that they are harboring a rather vast behind!!! ;D
     
  11. Spot on PP_AB

    An arse the size of a county, covered in boils & blackheads ;D
     
  12. Sorry, just testing :twisted:
     
  13. Personally, I'd caution it, write down what it hissed in pencil, get it to sign it, rub it out later and insert what I wanted it to say in ink afterwards.
     
  14. presumably your either RMP or Int Corps then??