Snake Engagement Methods (ROE)

Discussion in 'The Lamp and Sandbag II - The Tall Story Strikes B' started by Trip_Wire, Sep 2, 2006.

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  1. Trip_Wire

    Trip_Wire RIP

    Remember guys & gals this is HUMOR! :lol:

    Snake Engagement Methods as found in US Military Rules
    of Engagement (ROE)

    Upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations
    (AO)...

    01. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.

    02. Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.

    03. Armor: Drives over snake, laughs, and looks for
    more snakes.

    04. Aviation: Has 12-digit grid coordinates of snake
    from GPS. FAC gives steer to target. Can't find snake.
    Returns to base.

    05. Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.

    06. Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On
    Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades
    in support. Kills several hundred civilians as
    unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a
    success and all participants (inc. cooks, mechanics
    and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.

    07. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores
    all State Department directives and Theater Commander
    Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and
    winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other
    snakes. Files enormous claim for travel pay settlement
    upon return.

    08. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth
    doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual
    about how to defeat snake using counter mobility
    assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't
    understand how to properly conduct doctrinal
    counter-snake ops.

    09. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for
    naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake.
    Snake bites SEAL. Snake dies. Hollywood makes fantasy
    film in which SEALS kill myriad extremist snakes.

    10. Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various
    types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to
    Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces
    are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force
    projection.

    11. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for
    souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US
    forces from Area of Operations.

    12. Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.

    13. Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.

    14. Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial
    encounter, then works feverishly to save snake's life.


    15. Supply: (NOTICE Your anti-snake equipment is back
    ordered.)

    16. C-130 crew: Air-drops expired snakebite kits two
    grid squares away on roof of children's hospital.
    Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.

    17. F-15 pilot: Misidentifies snake as enemy Mi-24
    Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief
    paints snake kill on aircraft fuselage.

    18. F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster
    bombs, misses snake target, demolishes embassy 4 km
    east of snake due to weather. Cites inclement weather
    (Too Hot, Too Cold, Clear but overcast, Too dry with
    Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc.)
    Suggests procurement of million-dollar, air-to-ground
    anti-snake bomb.

    19. AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake,
    cold-blooded snakes don't show well on infrared.
    Infrared only operable in desert without power lines
    or SAMs.

    20. UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass
    after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS-17
    to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into
    fire.

    21. B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills
    snake and every other living thing within two miles of
    target.

    22. Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake
    in 20 seconds, but can't receive authorization from
    National Command Authority to use weapons.

    23. Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only
    four of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently
    active. We assess the potential for snake activity as
    LOW.

    24. Judge Advocate General (JAG a.k.a. The lawyer):
    Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional
    courtesy.
     
  2. Ah an American version of this:

    How The Military Deal With Snakes

    Infantry
    Tracks snake through jungle. Snake smells them and quickly leaves area, travelling upwind.

    Parachute Regiment
    Lands on and kills snake.

    Armour
    Runs over snake, laughs and looks for more snakes.

    Cavalry
    Treats snake with haughty disdain as having no impact on primary objective - to hold London against Roundheads at all costs.

    Royal Marine Commando
    Plays with snake, gets smashed with snake. Eats snake.

    Combat Engineer
    Studies snake. Prepares tactical plan for fixing snake using counter-mobility assets and defeating snake using mobility assets. Chain of command pay no attention. Snake falls into hole dug by infantry and drowns.

    Artillery
    Fires 3 hour concentrated barrage. Misses snake. Tree blown up by stray round falls on snake and kills it. Mission declared successful and all participants awarded gallantry medals.

    Special Forces
    Makes contact with snake and, ignoring Foreign Office directives, builds rapport with snake and starts winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files massive expenses claim. Writes best-seller "Python Two Zero".

    Army Medical Services
    Snake dies by mistake on operating table. Dissects snake.

    Royal Navy
    Fires 183 missiles from 17 ships. Estimates 60% of snake killed. Makes PowerPoint presentation to MoD Select Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost effective means of conducting anti-snake operations.

    Fleet Air Arm
    Launch two aircraft from HMS Invincible, Kill snake due to superior aircraft, Aircraft Scrapped

    Submarine Service
    Covertly observe snake through elint ops, destroy snake with TLAMs, Decorate Jolly Roger with snake

    TA
    Kills snake by accident on weekend camp. Keeps quiet about it.

    RAF
    Obtains geo-co-ordinates for snake. Alerts 40 Jaguars, 20 Harriers, RAF Regiment. Loads laser-guided bombs by mistake. Flies in at 20,000 feet. Can't find snake. Drops bombs in sea on way home. Returns to base for crew rest, dry-cleaning collection, facial and manicure.

    RAF Regiment
    Patrol Airfield, see snake, race to snake in landys, empty two magazines each into snake, Claim to be elite snake-getters

    Intelligence Corps
    Snake? What snake? Only 4 of 35 indicators of snake presence currently active. Assesses potential for snake activity as low. Dies of snake-bite.

    Defence Logistics Organisation
    Orders 2 year study by Anderson Consultants at cost of £1.5M, generating massive workload at Grade 1 staff level. Report finds that killing snake may contribute to 20% output costing savings by inclusion of snake meat in tri-Service messing. Snake Meat Implementation Team formed, with 2-star tri-Service steering group. Aim to introduce snake meat into all messes and ration packs by 2002. Snake experts from Special Forces and Gurkhas do not know what they are talking about. High profile £2M PR campaign launched featuring celebrity chef Ainsley Harriott and retired 4-star officers keen to supplement their excessive pensions. Snake meat launched in Service messes and restaurants to resounding clamour of apathy. Desperate to recoup lost money, Army demolishes 300 married quarters and sells snake meat holdings to Indian and Canadian Armed Forces.

    Defence Procurement Agency
    Decide they want to buy a Snake. Offer ambiguous contract out for tender. Contract states that an eel will be supplied as Government Furnished Equipment and must be modified to meet the performance characteristics of a snake as laid out in the aforementioned ambiguous contract. 6 years late and 3 billion pounds over budget, the project is scrapped and a COTS snake is bought from the USA for $10 billion.

    MOD
    Respects and values the snake's unique contribution, irrespective of its race, ethnic origin, religion or gender and without reference to social background or sexual orientation. Loses interest.

    Military Police
    Arrest and torture snake for heneous crime, snake is banged up, heneous crime is now OK say MOD, snake released
     
  3. It was humour TW when it was first published about 5 years ago. A bit tedious now
     
  4. Trip_Wire

    Trip_Wire RIP

    Well sorry about that! It's an 'oldly but goody!' IMHO worth repeating!

    Besides a lot of people here weren't using computers 5 years ago, or for whatever reason didn't see it. :roll:
     
  5. I appreciate that you are old tw and take time to catch up
     
  6. Trip_Wire

    Trip_Wire RIP

    I maybe old, but not stupid! as I said, a review of a good joke is always acceptable, except of course, by those without a sense of humor! :roll:
     
  7. This is the best one, edited for UK use:

    Britain’s Armed Forces : Anti Snake Combined Operations

    Infantry: Tracks Snake through jungle. Snake smells them and quickly leaves area, travelling upwind.

    Parachute Regiment: Lands on and kills snake.

    Armour: Runs over snake, laughs and looks for more snakes.

    Cavalry: Treats snake with haughty disdain as having no impact on primary objective: to hold London against Roundheads at all costs.

    Royal Marine Commando: Camera phone Video of drunken fight with snake, whilst naked wearing roll mats on arms. Posts video on internet. Snake dies of embarrassment.

    Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares tactical plan for fixing snake using counter-mobility assets and defeating snake using mobility assets. Chain of command pays no attention. Snake falls into hole dug by infantry and drowns.

    Artillery: Fires 3 hour concentrated barrage. Misses snake. Tree blown up by stray round falls on snake and kills it. Mission declared successful and all participants awarded gallantry medals.

    Special Forces: Makes contact with snake and, ignoring Foreign Office directives, builds rapport with snake and starts winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files massive expenses claim. Writes best-seller “Python Two Zero”.

    Army Medical Services: Snake dies by mistake on operating table. Dissects snake.

    Royal Navy: Fires 183 missiles from 7 ships. Estimates 60% of snake killed. Makes PowerPoint presentation to MoD Select Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost effective means of conducting anti-snake operations.

    TA: Disgruntled reservist alleges maltreatment of PW snake. Fakes pictures of maltreatment in the back of truck in Drill hall in UK. Sells pictures to Daily Mirror. Daily Mirror’s Editors credibility now lower than snakes arse.

    RAF: Obtains geo-co-ordinates for snake. Alerts 40 Jaguars, 20 Harriers, and RAF Regiment. Loads laser-guided bombs by mistake. Flies in at 20,000 feet, can’t find snake so drops bombs in sea on way home. Returns to base for crew rest, dry-cleaning collection, facial and manicure.

    Military Police: Snake bites MP L/Cpl. Snake dies of Septicaemia instantly.

    Intelligence Corps: Snake? What snake? Only 4 of 35 indicators of snake presence. Assesses potential for snake activity as low. Intel Officer later dies of snakebite.

    MI6 / SIS. Warns HM Govt that SMD’s (Snakes of Massive Destruction) able to be launched against British or EU assets within 45 minutes. 30,000 strong Taskforce dispatched to invade snake pit. 12 months later official conclusion is that snake pit ‘never had snakes in it.’

    Defence Logistic Organisation: Orders 2 year Study by Anderson Consultants at cost of £1.5M, generating massive workload at grade I staff level. Report finds that killing snake may contribute to 20% Output-costing savings by inclusion of snake meat in tri-Service messing. Snake Meat Implementation Team formed, with 2-star tri-Service steering group. Aim to introduce snake meat into all messes and ration packs by 2002. Snake experts from Special Forces and Ghurkhas do not know what they are talking about. High profile £2M PR campaign launched featuring celebrity chef Ainsley Harriott and retired Defence Staff Officers keen to supplement their excessive pensions. Snake meat launched in Service messes and restaurants to resounding clamour of apathy. Desperate to recoup lost money, Army demolishes 300 married quarters and sells snake meat holdings to Indian and Canadian Armed Forces.

    Defence Procurement Agency: Decide they want to buy a Snake. Offer ambiguous contract out for tender. Contract states that an eel will be supplied as Government Furnished Equipment and must be modified to meet the performance characteristics of a snake as laid out in the aforementioned ambiguous contract. A 6 years late and £3 billion over budget, the project is scrapped and a COTS snake is bought from the USA for £1.5 billion.

    Adjutant General/ALS: Determines that the snake is not black, female, homosexual or disabled. Loses all interest.