Smearing it about.

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by big-timer, Nov 7, 2007.

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  1. When I was a young lad, a couple of post-shite swipes with two sheets of bog-paper would leave me with a ring clean enough to present to royalty. Now, no matter how carefully I part my cheeks when I sit down, it still takes me the best part of half a roll and I still leave a good inch or two of smear in my grey saggy Y-fronts.

    Mrs B-T (who has to wash the results) reckons it's my diet of curry and Stella and the fact that my once baby smooth arrse now resembles the double chin of a grossly fat Gorilla who's lost his razor.

    Does anyone else find their poo becoming stickier and more dispersed as they grow old?

    B-T
     
  2. I tend to have good days and bad days. Its the blood I am more concerned about
     
  3. I no longer have that issue now I have the bag strapped to my leg
     
  4. I have no issues but I can recommend using brown pants. The stain will show less that with grey or white.
     
  5. In latter years my rampant anal beard has become something of a barrier to proper wipeage. I'm thinking of having it waxed, any other suggestions would be welcome.
     
  6. Haemorrhoids won't help, should you suffer from them. They result in a larger surface area to wipe. They also provide nooks and crannies where faecal matter may lurk. Curry and Stella won’t help either, neither will fryups or processed food lacking in roughage. So a small, but vicious, war may at this very moment be being waged in the big-timer posterior.

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  7. You can't beat a 147 ... a clean break. One wipe and your off!
     
  8. Apply VEET along the crack, wait for 5 mins and wash off in the shower. Problem solved for a month or so - repeat the process. This prevents a) arrse pubes like barbed wire ripping the paper to shreds and b) prevents any 'gruffnuts' hanging on. A word to the wise: don't get any inside your hoop whilst applying, as this will make your average ringburn after a vindaloo pale into comparison.

    Point-to-note: In Australia they have a similar product for men - it's called 'Nads'. I kid ye not.
     
  9. Blimey! Waxed? That might be a touch drastic.

    And fry-ups and processed food is also bad? Oh dear. You're going to tell me that red meat and alcohol cause cancer next.

    B-T
     
  10. Brilliant name for a punk band. :D
     
  11. Might I suggest a bed sheet by the pan. I can clean my crack in one swift slide.
     
  12. I've learnt three new words today. ARSSE at its best.

     
  13. Or use a bidet, seems the perfect solution to me...
     
  14. Wouldn't that turn big-timer homosexual? :x
     
  15. stand on the toilet seat and croutch down, leaves a nice smooth exit with pratically no cling ons.

    I love being a singley, lve nothing better too do than research things like this