Skiffing Certification

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Cutaway, Feb 4, 2005.

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  1. Cutaway

    Cutaway LE Reviewer

    First a public health warning, brought to you by the CHHA - Cutaway Health and Hygiene Administration.

    "Do NOT scratch your arrse then pick your nose."

    It was ignoring the above advice which led me to the idea of SIC (Skiffing Immunisation Course.)
    After I'd passed the above important information on, Fish-heid & myself were discussing preventative measures and realised that we could immunise ourselves over a period of time, which if successful would obviously lead to our becoming instructors.

    The thought of having a class full of students, (see Course Stereotypes thread,) for six to eight weeks and spending each day giving them the Dirty Sanchez is nearly too good to resist.

    Just think of the topics to be covered:
    Various types of skiff.
    Coatings - (which can range from the minimal Charlie Chaplin to a huge Kaiser Wilhelm.)
    Best timings and opportunities.
    Primary and secondary tgts - (is rank important ?)
    Dietary considerations.
    Choice of underwear - (should they be sealed above and below with black nasty ?)
    Arrse-crack additives.
    Avoidance of soap.
    Chafing prevention - (prevent chafing while still retaining the ideal aroma, taste & texture.)
    Skiffing during a tab. ("Close those gaps !")
    The list is endless !

    A course photograph is a must, with all the students sporting a thick Zapata moustache, while the DS stand on each side, hands behind their backs.

    The certificate for those successfully completing the course wouldn't be a grotty computer printour, but a lovingly crafted item suitable for framing. 'fingerpainted' by the DS themselves.

    Of course there'd have to be a qualification badge, I've thought of crossed fingers with dangleberries, for Instrs it should be surmounted by a chocolate starfish.
    To blend in with CS95 we've decided the badges will only be issued in subdued versions.

    How about a Combat Skiffing badge ?
    Then we'd also have to introduce a wee jobbie to go on campaign ribbons for MIF. (Mentioned In Fingerpaintings)
    Perhaps even a real gong for 'Skiffing Above and Beyond the Call of Duty,' though I'll have to ask the Medal Office about that.

    Anyway, as this is in it's infancy and in keeping with the current trend of asking soldier's opinions about everything, we'd like to know the level of interest for becoming immunised against skiffing, and also any other input to the cse and badges etc.

    Cuts, SMG
  2. I think those 'Scottish Regiments' should add at least a 'jock-strap' to their kits...


  3. Cutaway,

    You clearly haven't done your Training Needs Analysis! You must first identify the requirement for your soldiers to be able to deliver the Dirty Sanchez and what level of skiffing it would be appropriate to attain in line with rank and payband. Once you have this info the lessons required to deliver the course will practically write themselves.

    I'm just taking myself round the back for a good kicking!
  4. "Taking yourself round the back" requires a high degree of manual dexterity, and a very strong stomach. Not recommended for the faint hearted! 8O
  5. But a fantastic trick when you're oot on the pish!!
  6. That said - quality thread, duff title.

    i think it should be part of the NBCD (under "defence") course.

    just a thought.

    IA Drills of discovering you are a skiffee....

  7. Cutaway

    Cutaway LE Reviewer

    Right, criticism is taken on board and the title duly changed.
    I hope that's the reason the thread died, not just because of the influx of non-service, liberal, PC bunny-huggers.
    Anyway back to the thread.

    I have just been informed that two unnamed site members - neither Trained Skiffers - attempted some self certification very, very recently.
    The results were predictably disappointing, leaving them both in tears...... and only one due to laughing.

    Let there be no doubt about it:


    I'd hate for us to become as litigious a society as America, where every finger must be tattooed with the warning:

    "Only to be used by trained operators. Reading of the instruction book is no substitute for correct instruction."

    Skiffing is indeed a science not to be played with by the uninitiated, but it is also a science which can only be put to practical use if fully trained operators deliver the Skiff in an artistic manner.
    It is the pointless daubing of adhesive bodily fluids across the face unless accompanied with the appropriate flair, élan and panache.
    Then, and only then, does it truly become a Skiff !

    Let this be a lesson to the both of you, do not dabble in the Dark Arts !
  8. Could you possibly do an advanced course for those brave enough, going in to how to properly deliver a dirty Bepe? :D
  9. Cutaway

    Cutaway LE Reviewer

    That sounds like a Dirty Sanchez under another guise.
    While we note the existence and application of these techniques, we have found that they are but pale imitations of a well delivered Skiff.

    But you are correct in assuming that there will be advanced cses, this has been discussed but they will only be available if it's shown that there is a requirement for them.

    However, judging by the way this thread is going the Official Skiffer will soon be consigned to ceremonial only.
    That gentlemen, will be as black a day for the Army as the 31st of July 1970 is for the Royal Navy......

  10. Speaking for the dark blue contingent, I will be loathed to see the army having to endure the tortures equivalent to pains we suffered then.

    For that reason alone. Support skiffing and avoid cheap imitations.

    Remember the real reason for the non-attendance on these courses will be budgetry rather than lack of requirement. Don't let TCH remove your right to skiff!