Skid Removal



I was verbally accosted by my wife this morning for leaving a dirty great skid superglued to the side of the toilet bowl, during my pre-bed ablutions.

No big deal I thought. I had a particularly full bladder so I ventured in there with the intention of applying some high pressure wazz on the blighter. I thought I had a good diet, but last nights kentucky/ben and jerries combo seems to have created a "Billy the Kid" thats completely immune to conventional removal techniques. My slash just bounced off, creating collateral damage to the wall. The fcuker is stuck there faster than Qmans dislike of Mancunians.

It's appearance is like a map of Italy, shaped out of a pepperami. I've even tried the toilet brush. Always wondered what that was for. After 15 minutes i'd managed to erase the equivalent of Sicily but that left me completely ballbagged. Unless I get some useful suggestions i'm going to have to go at it with my nails and a toffee hammer.
I would suggest leaving it for a day or two, it wont shift itself but guaranteed the missus will have cleaned it by then, thus saving yourself hard work and pieces of hard cake under your fingernails :D

I have just almost fallen off my chair laughing uncontrollably. The future Mrs VB claims to be mystified as to how it is possible for an apparently intelligent man to be able to hold a responsible position, function in polite society and indeed be respected by some, yet be hugely amused and reduced to utter helplessness by the tale of a skidmark.


Tippex it. When the missus flushes the tippex goes but you can then blame her as you had 'cleaned' it before she went.
You say it looks like Italy?
Try and make an entire map of Europe from skids! That should impress the Mrs.
If it doesn't, it'll certainly impress your mates! :D
Stubborn Wheel spin removal requires the time proven method, or the doris goes ballistic.

When finished wiping turn about and have a fiddle with yer champ until you get a semi on, run your fingers under the tap so the urge to slash comes back.

Aim you semi hard super charged lamb cannon at the offending mud mark and let loose.

If this fails, pour bleach on it and repeat until gone.

If this fails after two or three goes, knock it on the head and come out of the bathroom screaming 'which dirty fcuker left a squashed malteser on the side of the trumping pot' then go back into the lounge muttering 'dirty bastard animals' to yourself :D
OOoooooh Lordy, I'm such a childish fcuker !! This thread is sooooo funny !! :lol:

Convoy, you should just belittle your Mrs at every opportunity, especially in front of friends and family !!
A judiciously applied electric toothbrush and some whitening toothpaste might help you remove the offending skidmark or at the very least help to blend it in with the rest of the pan :idea:


I've just had another crack at the fcuker.

I drank a litre bottle of Irn Bru in a wonner, and waited for half an hour.

I've just tried to blast it again. All i've succeeded in doing is making it look more like Norway, whilst getting phosphorous burns on me legs from the splashback. :lol:

I'm receiving X-rated scowls as I type. Looks like i'll be ringing my brother in the next half hour to see if he ever returned that angle grinder to HSS.
Try using lighter fluid squirted directly from the can through the flame of a lighter as a sort of flamethrower....if your asked by your unhappy missus what your doing you can explain it away as being similiar to something you saw on "Platoon" and that you are burning your shit away 8)
Get our pal Toppers to stick a phlegm ball to it, that will do one of two things

1. Melt a hole in the trumping pot

2. Make a substance that defies any laws and could stick a fighter plane to the runway on full reheat
Can I suggest you
a. grab mem' sahib by the throat.
b. force head into mouth of big white telephone.
c. invite dirty bitch to lick bowl clean with tongue.

If she refuses this perfectly reasonable request, repeat a and b, then use hair to scrub offending marks from bowl.
Let us know how you get on.


Right, i've had a degree of success.

I've managed to get it down to a sh*t rendered 1:250,000 representation of Ibiza. It took a while though.

I loosened it up a bit first, with that hose that Ricky Tomlinson has been using on the British Gas recruits. Then I went at it with a 7lb lump hammer, tapping strategically until I detected striation. A good whump, just at the right spot, has left me in the unenviable position of having a much smaller skid, but with major dung splinters all over my face.

The last bit looks like it may have been absorbed into the porcelain, forming some sort of weird faeces/ceramic hybrid. Better get me dossbag out then.

PS If i'd used capitals, Major Dung Splinters would have sounded like a dutch rodney.
Might be a good time to replace the commode and upgrade to one of those high-tech turbo models that flush with such force as to be able to suck your chute clean if you flush while sitting.
Letterwritingman said:
A judiciously applied electric toothbrush and some whitening toothpaste might help you remove the offending skidmark or at the very least help to blend it in with the rest of the pan :idea:
Just make sure it's your wife's toothbrush.
Just rub some Persil on the offending stain - works on my shreddies

If it can not be shifted by any process known to man (or woman) nip down to the nearest B&Q and purchase a pristine new pisser identical to the existing one (less the topographical map of SE Europe).

Fit the new one and return to B&Q with the kevlar plated old one, confront the nearest dullard with a face like a pizza and the IQ of a paper clip, becoming incandescent with rage complaining bitterly about the slipping standards of bog manufacturers these days. Demand your money back and add that you will never shop at B&Q again.
Blackhands suggestion is sound however involves getting a plumber in and adding to the expense.

If the offending trumping pot can hack rectal explosions from the likes of Convoy then surely its up to a thunderflash with the pot lid down.

Granted it may not remove the mud mark but at least you've been able to make a big bang with the trouts approval.

If by now its still there, just get some enamal paint and wallop over it.
Personally, if it's hardened against the toilet bowl, I'd make you wife scratch it off with her finger nails. Then I further suggest a scrubbing brush and Dettol for the offending finger nails before you allow her to come anywhere near you with her hands.

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