Discussion in 'Lonely Hearts' started by TheConfusedPirate, Aug 22, 2003.
The heart of the site is the forum area, including:
ok ok enough said!
Bleedin hell - why can't men just talk in normal language?
I guess what you really mean is
''Male in Catterick area seeks any female for sex.''
Cant see you getting many replies here though - we are more choosy than you seem to be.
I'm not. Confused Pirate, my name is Tammy, please PM me.
Confused Pirate, have spare bunk, c'mn join me!!!
And to think I thought the peeps on here were DISCERNING.........!
'Cept you Gunny.
Dear Confused of Catterick,
I read with interest your post to the ARRSE Lonely Hearts Column. May I take this opportunity to extend my sympathies to you for being a sad lonely little tw*t. It's hardly surprising that you don't have a girlfreind and if you were honest, you'd tell us that you never have had.
However, you should not despair as help may be at hand, as there are plenty of weirdo's just like you, here on ARRSE. Indeed, many of them masquerade as women. You may wish to do likewise. If this isn't your cup of tea, look up the thread where some equally weird individual, was looking for a boyfriend around the beginning of the year, but she did stress that he had to be serving in the Gulf (so as to impress the other girls down at the Bingo).
As a matter of interest, have you tried writing to our sister columnist 'dear Deirde'? I assume that being a weirdo, you probably have done and have drawn a blank there as well.
Anyroad 'lonely', may I take this opportunity to wish you the best of luck in your search for a girlfriend. As a parting bit of advice, try Clearasil, mouthwash, the occasional shower and some deodarant. Who knows, it just might tip the scales in your favour and remember..........a problem shared, is a problem halved!
Ma, I didn't know you were a Relationship Councillor !! Can you give me some advice? Lonely 37 year old, still have full head of hair, don't wear glasses, 5ft 11ins and have the usual 37 year old build ! I seem to pick the wrong women. All are either manic depressants, or have slighty odd habits or are just plain barmey !! What am I doing wrong?
Wanna elaborate on that statement Gunny?
Sorry friend, got my knuckles rapped for inviting you to take my spare bunk, could have done with a pirate on board Anyway good luck in the future.
Dear Loser of Louth,
I'm glad you have written to me and may I say that you have done so just in the nick of time!
You mention that you have encountered manic depressives. On the face of it, these women do appear normal, however as you have found to your cost...they are anything but. In future, get her as pissed as you can, as fast as you can. Once drunk, depressives tend to open up and become tearful over past relationships. The sooner you can illicite this information, the sooner you can give her a 'body swerve' and head of in search of pastures new. The down side of this ploy, is that if she is not a depressive, you've just got her to drunk to f*ck and she'll no doubt vomit over your shoes.
You will have to elaborate on the 'habits' before I can provide any advice on this category. What I can say though is,farting, belching and scratching of the genitalia are not uncommon nowadays amongst certain types of women, but shagging one with such anti social habits, can be likened to shagging one of your mates and lets face it, some blokes wouldn't mind that, but I doubt you are in that category.
Onto the third category you have listed. Mad women can be fun, if you like to live on the edge and are a fully paid up member of the 'Dangerous Sports Club'. The downside here is however, you must remain sober when dating one. Should you get drunk and pass out at hers after your kebab, you may wake up to find that she has shredded all of your clothes and is going to call the police unless you leave. Being naked in Tottenham is not much fun, especially when you live in Hounslow. Do not agree to handcuffs in bed! Unless it is her who wishes to wear them. Please pay particular attention here, as failure to do so, may result in your ring piece being stretched by a well endowed black man called 'Bubba', who just happens to be engaged to your mad woman.
I hope that this has been of assistance to you and wish you all the best in your search for a normal 38DD long legged thick blonde called Tracy.
I have enclosed a leaflet entitled ' Shag the right Chick' for your information. I hope this helps.
Nice to see you found a vocation Ma......
Always here to lend an ear Lippy..........got any personal problems you'd like to discuss? Or would you rather appear on 'Trisha?
Tanx Ma. I feel better now.
Involes a lot of scratching and twitching.
Separate names with a comma.