SICK PARADE (Inspected by Numb Nuts)

#1
Guys
I remember way back in 1981 I broke my Fibula & Tibia playing Football for the Bn. (In plaster for 8 months and on crutches for 11)
Anyway I missed out on an overseas trip with the Bn so I was sent home on sick leave for the duration 7 weeks.

Bn come home and I am beckoned back to London. Arrive back and I am met by my Pln Sgt who tells me I am on the ‘Gate and canteen’ (Cannot Leave Camp or go to the NAAFI for a drink) as I am on the sick and have to be in bed by 10:30 (Which would be verified by the Piquet Sgt checking in on me) Wonderful.

Next morning I have to attend Sick Parade to go to see the Medical Officer just to verify I am not bluffing my case (As most soldier’s break their legs just to get out of doing some work)

I dually get ready for parade (At 07:30) Bull my shoes yes shoes, I had to take along my Right Shoe to show it had been Bulled (The one I cannot get on because of the plaster, this mucked about with uniformity or something)

There must have been about 12 soldier’s on parade awaiting to be inspected, by the Duty Warrant Officer. As he approaches the Piquet Sgt brings us all up to attention, I was allowed just to pull my left foot in to the position of attention as I was on crutches (There all heart) As the Warrant Officer inspects each soldier individually and asking them what was their ailment was and he was greeted by the usual responses. “ I’ve got the flu Sur” “I’ve been sick all night Sur” or I’ve got a Sare(Sore) Heid (Head) Sur” and he would give the box standard reply/insult_ “Wnaker,” “Tosser,” “Waste of Space,”

He is almost at my position and I am thinking to myself no way is this man going to ask me what is wrong with me, this man is a Warrant Officer Class Two in my Regiment. Surely he can see my “Pot” as I have had to cut my Barrack dress trousers to get over the Pot, come on anyone with one Ineeba Brain Cell could see this. He gets to me and he states “What the Fcuk is wrong with you ?” Fcukin Bingo

Well my comic side slapped my military side straight in the Gob and I answered “Sur I fell on my Back and broke my Nose”. Well there was a deafening silence for all of a Nano Second and then he screamed Fcukin Lock Him Up Piquet Sgt, Double Him Away to the Guardroom” Double me away? Christ I could hardly walk never mind double. But the Duty Dcik did as he was told there was the Duff Deit Duff Deit as I hobbled off to the Nick.

As they say Happy Days ( I enjoyed the Military that much I stayed for 23 years)

Aye

Magic


Anyone else have a sick parade story?
 
#3
You can probably guess what Division I served In?

Magic
 
#5
Broken leg and hobbling through Tidworth on crutches,got approached by an officer who enquired "Don't you salute officers in your regiment?" I can't remember my reply,if any.
 
#8
The_Magician said:
Well my comic side slapped my military side straight in the Gob and I answered “Sur I fell on my Back and broke my Nose”. Well there was a deafening silence for all of a Nano Second and then he screamed Fcukin Lock Him Up Piquet Sgt, Double Him Away to the Guardroom” Double me away? Christ I could hardly walk never mind double. But the Duty Dcik did as he was told there was the Duff Deit Duff Deit as I hobbled off to the Nick.
6/10 - you must try harder.

You could have gotten a 9/10 if you had said the cnut jailed your crutches and made you hope everywhere for a fortnight! :D

Still funny though...
 
#9
Guards, Household Division.

The Guy in Tidworth for not Salutng I got the same for not giving an Eyes Left to some 2nd Lt he was placed in the Rembrandt and I was placed in the "Report" for being "Insolent" Another two days on Privs

Aye

Magic
 
#10
DMSDAVE said:
Broken leg and hobbling through Tidworth on crutches,got approached by an officer who enquired "Don't you salute officers in your regiment?" I can't remember my reply,if any.
Would the officer be a wearer of a beret non agressive? :)
 
#11
#12
Reminds me of the time I was posted to a field ambulance (important to keep this in mind, field ambulance, full of MEDICS)

Young lad reported to Ord Sgt having trouble breathing requesting to go sick and at one point leant against the door frame. Que Ord Sgt having apoplectic fit, screaming at him to stand up straight. Lad did so and then promptly passed out. Turns out he had a collapsed lung...
 
#16
Severely scrungled toes on the right foot after a particularly robust rugby match at Hounslow in the mid-70s. The next day, motoring along at reasonable pace with 2 x crutches and the gleaming white pot for all to see, I believed myself to be maintaining the standards of the Regt.

Until I was spotted by the Duty Beast. 'Yew!! Yes, yew, yew 'orrible person! Swing those crutches shoulder 'igh!!'.
 
#17
Grey_Mafia65 said:
Turns out he had a collapsed lung...

So what discipline is discipline he had another lung didn’t he?
I liked the fact that the med centre at Larkhill is bloody miles away (or so it seem when you have twisted an ankle or having raging man flu). They work on a very sound principle there if can make it to sick parade then you obviously aren’t that ill.
 
#18
Grey_Mafia65 said:
Reminds me of the time I was posted to a field ambulance (important to keep this in mind, field ambulance, full of MEDICS)

Young lad reported to Ord Sgt having trouble breathing requesting to go sick and at one point leant against the door frame. Que Ord Sgt having apoplectic fit, screaming at him to stand up straight. Lad did so and then promptly passed out. Turns out he had a collapsed lung...
Aye when I first broke my leg it was only dangling off and not hanging off so I was only given 2 Burprofen and told to report back the next day!!!

Aye

Magic
 
#19
The best one was the Irish Guards Lance Sergeant Medical Orderly at Pirbright in the 70s and 80s. The one way conversations to those who dared go sick went like:

" You F$%£in lazy malingering Bast$£%^ what's the matter with you? You F$£%* idle waste of oxygen - who do you think you are comin in here? If you can walk you can train you FU£$%^"* useless Ba%$&£" -

"but sergeant I am very ill"

- shutttup you lazy mailigering foreskin! Stand to attention, stand at ease, stand to attention etc. You've lost your name for being in bad order you scruffy waste of rations!

- sit there and wait for the Medical Officer to see you, you lazy F£"*^&% skivving anchor!

Needless to say only those who were about to receive the "last rites" went sick.
 

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