Sick Jokes


i (unfortunatly) am in the wonderful town of Chatham and on parade we are oftern asked to tell a joke that the Cpls have not herd before. my problem am really strugling for new ones as have been through all my favs! can any one help? in true sqaddie style the sicker the better (e.g. what pleases 1 in 10 people? Gang Rape, whats blue and makes women scream in the morning? Cot Death)

whats funnier than a dead baby?

A dead baby in a clown suit

Whats white wears blue and cant climb tree's?

A fridge in a denim jacket
A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend "You won't believe what happened. I was taking a short cut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it. I untied her, and then we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything.

His friend replies, "That's great: did you get a blow job?"

Oh, no: I never found her head.

What has two legs and bleeds profusely?

Half a cat.

What's red and orange and looks good on hippies?


Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor.
The doctor says: "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."

Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"

The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."

Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son. The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?" The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."

There was a cruise ship that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island.There where only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl. They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women.

After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself.

It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it and after a while nature once more took it's inevitable course.

Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing. So...

They buried her.

Q: How many babies does it take to paint a wall red?

A: One, but you have to throw it really hard.

Q: Why did the baby cross the road?

A: It was stapled to the chicken.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall?


What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a boiling pot?


How do you get a goth out of a tree?

Cut the rope.
Came home from work today, put my dinner in the oven, went back 20 minutes later and it had all gone, completely vanished.

Thats the last time I buy those feckin McCann oven chips
"The Good Samaritan"

A guy walked into a bar. As he was ordering his first drink, he looked around and saw a guy down the end of the bar falling off his stool. He said to himself, "Aw, man, this is disgusting, somebody oughta do something."

He walked over and said, "Hey buddy, let me give you a ride home." He picked the drunk up and dragged him to the door of the bar. He had to prop the guy up against the wall to open the door, but the guy fell down!

When he got the guy out to his car, he propped him up against the car to get out his keys, and the guy fell down again!

Soon they were on their way. He asked the drunk where he lived, and the drunk pointed to a house. He parked and helped the drunk out of the car.

He dragged him up the steps, and propped him up against the railing so he could ring the bell. Again, the guy fell down!

Finally the drunk's wife came to the door. "Look, lady, I brought your husband home for you."

She says, "Well, that's very nice of you, young man, but where's his wheelchair?"
Man walking down the street noticed a street vendor with a sign FROGS FOR SALE.. "greatest blow job you will ever have”.

The man approached and the vendor said, trust me, these frogs give the best blow job you will ever get. The man proceeded home with his new purchase.

About 3am the man’s wife was awakened by strange noises and a light coming from the kitchen. She arose to investigate. When she looked in the kitchen she was amazed to see pots and pans scattered all over, cookbooks opened, her husband frying a steak, and the frog up on the counter watching her husband.

She asked "what the hell are you doing”.

He replied "as soon as I teach this frog to`re outta here!!
father O'Connor keeps chickens in a coop behind the church. One Sunday he goes to feed them and notices that one is missing and its the ccok. He knows that there has been ccok fighting going on in the village, so the next week at mass he asks "Has anyone got a ccok?" and all the men stand up, "no, no, I mean has anyone seen a ccok?" - all the women stand up. "No, No, No, No - has anyone seen MY ccok?" - 16 altar boys, 3 nuns and a goat stand up

(edited because of swear word police)
An Australian, South African and an Englishman are having a cool beer in the desert.
The South African finishes his beer, throws his glass in the air and shoots it with his gun. 'In South Africa we have so many glasses, we never have to drink twice with the same one.'
The other two are impressed.
The Australian finishes his beer, and does the same. 'In Australia, we have so much sand, we never have to drink from the same glass twice either, we simply make more glasses!'
The other two are impressed.
The Englishman finishes his pint slowly, then carefully puts his glass down, before shooting both his companions in the guts. As they slowly die, he picks up his glass and says to them 'In England, we have so many fcuking Australians and South Africans....'

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