Show us your chilli sauce...

stuskimac

Old-Salt
Stolen from the Internet.

Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table, asking for directions to the beer truck, when the call came in… I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 – MIKE’S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI​

Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) — Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 – EL RANCHO’S AFTERBURNER CHILI​

Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQflavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 – ALFREDO’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI​

Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 — A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting red-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4=2 0- BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC​

Judge # 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. Woman is starting to look HOT … Just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 – LISA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER​

Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

CHILI # 6 – VARGA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY​

Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 – SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI​

Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing. It’s too painful. I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 – BIG TOM’S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI​

Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 — No report.
That had me in tears!
 
As the Thais so, chopped chillis in some soy or fish sauce at side of plate, fantastic
My mate Jim (RIP) had a Thai bride called Nang, absolutely delicious. I walked into the hotel he ran one morning after a night shift for a quick beer. There she was in the corner and eating some soup for breakfast, called me over and said "Dave you like spicy, try" honestly this was hotter than the steelworks I had just left. It was a cold fish soup, almost black in colour, I do not know where that chilli was from, called or f all.
I can say that was the fastest beer I have ever drank! My afterthoughts though were.........That was breakfast, how do you follow that up, is your ring like a blood orange? So many questions, as my friends wife I did not ask out of respect, but they were there.
 

Old Stab

LE
Book Reviewer
Not a hot sauce but I had the Hot onion bahjis from Morrissons a few months ago.. Fooking hell!

I scoffed a large pot of yoghurt to cool my mouth down
 
One of the reasons I think Covid seems to have left me alone, is that the vast majority of the time by blood content must be around 5% white and red cells, and the remaining 95% white phosphorus. Anything entering my body therefore, is killed off long before my immune system eventually musters up a semi...

Whether it's a nice chilli con carne with a couple of teaspoons of Norfolk Reaper to crank it up a notch, or a splattering of Scorpion over a home made pizza, there's no denying the great feeling about 30 minutes after smashing the culinary equivalent of molten lava.

Like any addict who starts his honest habit for a quick buzz, it seems to me the effects start to become a little lame and it's not long before a vindaloo is seen as a mild alternative to avoid a burning arrse when you've got to be at the office first thing in the morning - hence you search for something with a little more venom to accompany your Friday night tipple.

I realised this one night when I realised I was dipping cheese & crackers into neat Encona Carolina Reaper sauce and barely registering a tingle. This led me to the good lady furnishing me with Hellfire "Fear This", which at 2 million SHU, has to be the hottest I've tried to date. I have to say, the Norfolk Reaper is not far off the mark either.

What's your holy grail of chilli sauce? And which recipes have they found their way into which you'd recommend to any chilli lover?

View attachment 617145
An excellent post. Thank you.

From left to right:

Chlli Oil - For Pizza prior to heating up in oven.

Chilli Flakes - For pizza once cooked, as well as pasta, fish stew, boil in the bag meals (when I was still in),

Franks - For Bacon Sandwiches primarily but has other uses.

Cholula - For cold sandwiches but also other stuff.

M&S - I effing kid you not. If you have not tried this before please give it a go. I use it almost exclusively for burgers but it goes brilliantly with just about any meat you can think of, even chicken.

Missing from parade.

Tabaso - For eggs.

Marie Sharpes - To remind me of Belize 93/94 when I really got to appreciate the joys of hot stuff!

iyrfY2flTpmEOQd+R0T8cw.jpeg


I repeat - Try this below.

9K875Z62QfyebICwmZvkzQ.jpg
 
Not a hot sauce but I had the Hot onion bahjis from Morrissons a few months ago.. Fooking hell!

I scoffed a large pot of yoghurt to cool my mouth down
Yes,

You think you would be 'safe' with yogurt wouldn't you?

But not in Yankee Doodle Land you wouldn't be.

Yogurtland is spicing things up with the Cheetos® Flamin’ Hot® topping that’s available this holiday season for a limited time only. It pairs perfectly with a variety of Yogurtland’s frozen yogurt and light ice cream flavors.

2287.jpg
 

Boris_Johnson

ADC
Moderator
DirtyBAT
Yes,

You think you would be 'safe' with yogurt wouldn't you?

But not in Yankee Doodle Land you wouldn't be.

Yogurtland is spicing things up with the Cheetos® Flamin’ Hot® topping that’s available this holiday season for a limited time only. It pairs perfectly with a variety of Yogurtland’s frozen yogurt and light ice cream flavors.

View attachment 617217

Flamin' Hot Cheetos is just the bestest!

It probably liquidises your innards slowly but surely and is about as nutritious as blue raspberry fizz bombs coated in spray cheese, but god damn I love my Cheetos.

You can now get this bad boy in the UK too...

81bd+KKpJIL._AC_SX522_.jpg
 

jarrod248

LE
Gallery Guru
My mate Jim (RIP) had a Thai bride called Nang, absolutely delicious. I walked into the hotel he ran one morning after a night shift for a quick beer. There she was in the corner and eating some soup for breakfast, called me over and said "Dave you like spicy, try" honestly this was hotter than the steelworks I had just left. It was a cold fish soup, almost black in colour, I do not know where that chilli was from, called or f all.
I can say that was the fastest beer I have ever drank! My afterthoughts though were.........That was breakfast, how do you follow that up, is your ring like a blood orange? So many questions, as my friends wife I did not ask out of respect, but they were there.
Do not rim a Thai who enjoys eating raw chillis.
 
My current sauces .. always on the lookout for new ones ;)
07E0149F-A9E8-4398-ACE2-E7C95046A80A.jpeg
 
When I first joined the Mess, we customarily had, at lunch, a small decanter on the table full of chilli sherry - a few drops of which were just the job to perk up an otherwise bland G1098 soup. Imagine our surprise when, during a visit of a couple of POs, one of them topped up his water glass with the stuff and necked it! Having just imagined our surprise, now spend a few moments imagining young Tarquin’s….
One is not certain that the two are linked, but we never saw the young man back again.
 
Many years doing my Belizeian holiday tour I had Marie Sharps on everything but my cornflakes. Even when the Gurkhas came and we ate in their mess I added it to their curries. I have since had hotter but Marie Sharps was nice.

I put a couple of bottles in an MFO box (foolishly on the top) and sent it back to BFG. On opening said box the bottles had smashed (possibly due to the care in packing and delicate handling of the Crabs) but all that remained was some broken glass and a small orange dot on the lid.

Current chilli of choice is View attachment 617197

Many years doing my Belizeian holiday tour I had Marie Sharps on everything but my cornflakes. Even when the Gurkhas came and we ate in their mess I added it to their curries. I have since had hotter but Marie Sharps was nice.

I put a couple of bottles in an MFO box (foolishly on the top) and sent it back to BFG. On opening said box the bottles had smashed (possibly due to the care in packing and delicate handling of the Crabs) but all that remained was some broken glass and a small orange dot on the lid.

Current chilli of choice is View attachment 617197
You beat me to it, I was about to extol the virtues of Marie Sharps, which was also my intro to proper chilli in Belize.
 
When I first joined the Mess, we customarily had, at lunch, a small decanter on the table full of chilli sherry - a few drops of which were just the job to perk up an otherwise bland G1098 soup. Imagine our surprise when, during a visit of a couple of POs, one of them topped up his water glass with the stuff and necked it! Having just imagined our surprise, now spend a few moments imagining young Tarquin’s….
One is not certain that the two are linked, but we never saw the young man back again.
Thank you, that opens up a whole box of memories of spotty 17 year old POs in ill-fitting suits embarrassing themselves at lunch. Oh how we laughed!
 

Boris_Johnson

ADC
Moderator
DirtyBAT
The other night, I was faced with one of many First World problems.

Nephew's 30th, he'd picked a curry house in Marks Tey.

Work in the morning, therefore a school night. But going to an Indian and eating a fecking Korma or Rogan Josh is like being Superman without your powers...

The OH is like, "why not have something hot?"

"Well, because I have to leave from yours in the morning, it's a 50 min drive and I don't want to be shuffling around your place at 0600 in the dark, destroying your downstairs bog for half an hour, in between letting the dog & cats out, cos everyone else is asleep... "

"So have something milder then? "

"What's the point in that?"

"Well have something spicy then?"

"I'll need a couple of beers to put the flames out and I don't want to drink on a school night..."

(how she puts up with me I'll never know...)

After spending 20 minutes of talking myself out of it, waiter comes along, takes everyone's orders. I'm still staring at the menu with intent and great concentration. It goes quiet and I realise everyone, including him is waiting on me. I look up...

One word.

"Phal"

:)

3 times the b@stard mutt pretended she wanted to go out before she actually did...! Have you ever tried nipping off a nuclear shite?
 

Chef

LE
I like Encona hot sauce with ribs. For anyone near Ashford The Chilibite in the high street used to have a whole range of chili sauces.
 
"Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing. It’s too painful. I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach."

I've been here, the only thing missing was the lump the size of a golf ball that appeared on the side of my neck. That, and the shame of going to a St John bloke for help.
 
Whilst googling to try and find the name of the thermo-nuclear hot sauce we got tangled up with in the Caribbean some years ago on a particularly messy occasion, whilst on a yachting trip, these items popped up in the search.
I guess the advertising strap line, ‘what it says on the tin’ may or may not apply.
 

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