Shovel Recces - The ins and outs of a soldiers poo

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Bad_Crow, Oct 12, 2007.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. Just got myself a load of Johnsons wet wipes due to much bog roll wastage with my recent turd state, however nothing in my eyes is better than the small Kleenex packs for an average shovel recce.

    Whats your choice of comfy bum for them lovely moments in the field when you just have to drop a 500 pounder?

    It got me thinking of my last shovel recce whilst walking over Dartmoor a few weeks back.

    I was hand railing the dart i believe and felt the first touch. However not having my emergency bum wipes or pampers i started to flap a bit. With joe public enjoying a lovely day near spitchwick I decided to do a hasty river crossing then make my way into the woods. So off comes the boots on goes the harbour slippers and i get in amongst it. After being taken 5-10m's down stream i manages to get out and gets onto dry land hand digs a hole and lets the poo go.

    Not a bad one really however that last little tail end of it was a bit messy and left me with a chocolate milkshake dripping down the crack of my hoop. So hastily i drags myself round using my hands like a dog after a dump. Now thinking "Bugger" i have brown tar, soil, leaves, grass and ants up my arrse crack now, how am i going to Mag to grid it. SO after much soul searching i decided to wet a load of grass, 'waddling' with kecks round ankles to the river i fell over twice. However i eventually gets there. Wets the grass and gets on with it being careful to throw my poo covered hasty arrse wipe away from the river.

    Feeling better for the experience i jumps back in and before setting off pauses about chest deep in the water against a rock covered in a soft moss. I just couldn't help myself. So i drops kecks spreads arrse cheeks and polishes my hoop on the spongy foliage.

    Now so much happier about having a clean hoop i starts to pull my kecks up. Only to let go of my bergan and watch it rapidly floating away. In a moment of madness i forgot about trousers and went for the bergan and thus ended up half floating half drowning down stream after it. What felt like miles down stream (Probably 25 yds) i had been reunited with my bergan and dignity of having my trousers done up.

    Out of the water and drying my feet i vowed to never forget my comfy bum... EVER again!
  2. old_fat_and_hairy

    old_fat_and_hairy LE Book Reviewer Reviews Editor

    F Sigs 52 ( pads of 100) Used to be my choice.

  3. Seems like theres only the two of us with an arrse!

  4. NEVER forget wet wipes! They are my hoops best friend after too many encounters with the local flora and fauna trying to insert themselves inside my body. The little packs of hankies are useful for a wank but that is the limit of their usefulness I find. Too much sh1t, not enough paper.
  5. Can't beat good ol' dock leafs, but be very wary of hidden nettles.
  6. Years ago I had just finished a shovel recce and was about to return to an AFV legure when I noticed a mate heading in my direction. The noise & darkness meant he couldn't see me so he duly dropped his kegs.....

    I slid my shovel over the point where 'x' marks the spot & sure enough he scored a bullseye. I rolled away with my trophy as he stood up. He was dumfounded at not seeing a steamer & even inspected the inside of both trouser legs incase he'd had an ND!

    When I told the remainder what had happened they roared with laughter & took it in turns to repeat the act each night until finally being rumbled almost a week later (by this time he was getting quite concerned that there might be something wrong with him!)

    Sadly 'Egor' is no longer with us. It was a pleasure serving with such a wonderful man for the best part of a decade & I will honour his memory on 11 Nov.
  7. Bad_Crow asked:


    But only if all other paper products or leafy vegetation fail or are not immediately available.
  8. One of our bloke in the early ninties when in Germany had other ideas: whilst on the piss at local night club, the said bloke came back from the toilet slightly drunk and stated "have you ever had one of those sh"ts where you wipe and nothing appears on the paper?" at the same time we could smell a recognised fragrance, as he went to the bar to buy the next round, you could see all the sh"t pasted over his tail of his Ralph lauren shirt (having just pushed his shirt up his arrse with the carsey roll) he had to borrow scissors from the bar staff to cut of the bottom of his shirt.
  9. Shovel recce?

    I always find that the doss bag of a Signaller is perfect for emptying ones back into. Of course it helps if they're not there during the "visit" and you're not on the same training area by the time they return.
  10. I always use a pair of buddy's gitch lifted from bergan while he's not looking, and then put them back.
  11. Shovel Recces are not to be accompanied by any form of bum fodder other than the leaves taht nature provides.

    For Turdis visits I use the dry(ish) provided and a wet wipe jsut to make sure.
  12. Anyone got the link to arrse poo chart?
  13. Andrex do moist toilet tissue in packs of ten - 20 I believe. They're specifically designed for delicate ring peices. I find wet wipes a little harsh.
  14. If your really posh, a folding chair proffed from the CP with a hole cut in the seat.

  15. Always used to carry a roll of green CB after seeing the state of Soviet training ranges covered in bits of streaked security-rated paper!

    Green CB meant a cam'd up shovel site if you had to crash out half-way through.

    Perfected the art of the Brigade of Guards' 3-minute sh1t too, and still use it to effect today.