Should Cyprus Join NATO

Discussion in 'The Intelligence Cell' started by 2diffs, Apr 10, 2009.

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  1. CYPRUS JOINS NATO

    Can you imagine the following scenario?

    Cyprus contingent attached to NATO during a field exercise in Troodos

    OC: “Captain Panicos, these are your orders,
    I need you to form your men up on the start line at 0430hrs tomorrow and move off at 0500. You will then advance on the right flank supporting the British Rifle Company and using air support from the Americans"
    "You will draw ammunition tonight at 1945hrs and prepare for inspection at 2000hrs"
    Captain Panicos: "are we talking Cyprus time or English time Major?"
    OC: “All times are Local"
    Captain Panicos: "so we will start at about 0600 then."
    OC: “No you move off at the same time as the British"
    Captain Panicos:" But the British always work on precise time, Cyprus time is more flexible"
    Company Commander: "Don’t argue Panicos I am running the show, see you at inspection"
    Time 2000 hrs same evening at inspection.
    Captain Panicos:" All men present and correct Sir, ammunition drawn, but some of the men are complaining sir."
    OC: "What’s the problem Pan?"
    Captain Panicos: "They have no 12 Bore ammo on issue sir"
    OC: "They only need blanks for the rifles and machine guns, where does the 12 Bore come in?"
    Captain Panicos: “For their shotguns Sir, the tanks will flush out the birds and we need to get them before the enemy does!"
    OC:"That’s OK then, I can get my batman to bring my Purdies. I’ll also get on to the Americans; they used Army 12 bores for CQB so they probably have some surplus stuff around. If not we'll borrow some claymores and your front line guys can carry them pointing forward. They have a similar effect to a shotgun, but a bit more drastic. I suggest they wear body armour and clean underwear."
    Captain Panicos: "Would you like to inspect the men sir"
    OC: “Yes Pan, but I can see from here that there is a problem with their uniforms"
    Captain Panicos:" How’s that sir, I can't see anything wrong!"
    OC: “Well sergeant Stelianou over there is wearing a fluorescent hat and carrying what looks like a crate of Kio in his pack, that corporal over there has a barbeque strapped to his Bergen and the reservists on the back rank have paint all over their Kit."
    Captain Panicos: "well the reservists have just finished painting the Town Hall in Ayia Napa and Stelianou has to wear a Fluorescent hat to stop him getting shot!"
    OC:" Now that’s a good idea! Perhaps our guys should wear them in Afghanistan.".”OK fall the men out, see you tomorrow on the start line"

    Next Day 0500Hrs
    OC: "Panicos, where are the men from 2 section?"
    Captain Panicos: "Dunno sir, I saw them in the Kafenion about 10 minutes ago, let’s send 3 section down to get them out."
    OC: "Right OK get a move on, the Brits are ready to go over the top we will have to delay the attack. Whilst you are about it can you collect the DR (Dispatch Rider) on your way back, he was doing wheelies on the way up and his passenger came off and they fell under a tank."
    Captain Panicos: "Is he OK sir"
    OC:" Yes Pan, his head got trapped in the tank track and that stopped it before it could do any damage!" "The Girl on the pillion has had to go back though; she broke her Ipod and twisted one of her high heels."
    “Anyway why was he doing a wheelie on an army Bike?"
    Captain Panicos: "Standard procedure Sir, we practise it all the time, it stops us cutting our heads off on the wires that the Partisans stretch across roads"
    OC: "That explains why all the mopeds on the Island never wear out the front tyre" "Get on with it Panicos, were late starting!!"
    Captain Panicos: "Why aren’t we using our own air support sir?
    OC:" Because if you haven’t noticed, every time your fellows fly north there is a big whoosh and a thing like a telegraph pole shoots out of the ground and hits the plane"
    Captain Panicos: "Oh yes, I forgot about our NATO ally the Turkish Army. They never seem to play ball on these exercises"
    OC: "Don’t worry about them Pan, we just have to look out for the American air cover, when you see them coming what would you do?
    Captain Panicos: "Run for the nearest hole sir?"
    OC: "That's right Pan, your getting the hang of this army business now"



    NATO FORCE EXERCISE TROODOS
    CH 2
    NEAR THE START LINE

    OC: Ok Capt Panicos we have rescheduled the Startex to 0730, do you think you can achieve that?

    Captain Panicos: “Yes Major, I can hear the tanks coming up the track now, sorry change that, it’s a Rally car, oh no change that again, it really is the tanks, the rally car is parked on top of the lead tank’s turret. They must have been taking that corner a bit sharpish!!”

    OC: “Well get the bloody thing off, you don’t want to go over the start line covered in advertising material”

    Captain Panicos: “Oh I’ve just heard over the radio, they didn’t crash into the tank, it was broken down and he has negotiated a recover deal with the tank driver.”

    OC: How did he do that then I thought he worked in Dherenia?”

    Captain Panicos: “Yes he does boss, but he is here today test driving the second tank 'cos he’s seen some similar ones for sale in Bulgaria and he’s hoping to set up a deal with the National Guard.”

    OC: “And you are letting him do this!! I suppose you are in for some commission then?”

    Captain Panicos: “No sir I but my cousin is.”

    OC: “Right Pan no more time for chatting I’m going back to the Command Vehicle, keep touch on the radio net OK.”

    Captain Panicos: “Problem there Boss, batteries are flat on my operator’s set, we can still use my Mobile though, and I’ve got a lot of free texts this month so it’s no big deal.”

    OC: “That’s OK Pan; our sets are usually useless anyway they’ve withdrawn all the good stuff to use in the real wars.”

    Captain Panics: “Major, who’s was that Lynx helicopter that just flew over? “

    OC: ”That’s the Colonels’ he is checking up on the delay to the exercise”

    Captain Panicos: “I thought you said they had sent all the good kit to Afghanistan!!”

    OC: “No Pan, you still don’t understand this seniority bit, it’s only the squaddies that have to make do”

    Captain Panicos: “Right I get the picture, works the same way up in Nicosia, brand new Black 5 series BM’s for the ministers, beaten up second hand tanks for us.”

    OC: “Have you heard of the new exchange program? NATO wants you to send all your artillery pieces missiles and tanks over to Famagusta after the exercise; the Turks have agreed to exchange them for newer American kit…..once they have confirmed you have sent a full set!! And the Brits are going to refurbish you choppers and give you your electronics back as long as you get rid of those 3 ugly Russian attack helicopters. See there are some advantages to being in NATO.”

    Captain Panicos: I think that’ll be a problem boss, you must remember that the Pres’ likes things with big red stars on them, I think its something to do with his politics.”

    OC: Well those Mi 24’s scared the s***t out of our American CIA friends when they were helping the Muj’ before 911, that’s why they taught them to use Stingers. Bit of a mistake what!”

    “By the way Pan, I was on holiday in Saigon a few weeks ago, they have a shed load of Huey choppers lying about, apparently the Yanks forgot to take home their equipment when they moved out. Do you know if the spares will work on your machines? You could get the Pres‘ to buy them up, I’m sure you must knows a few Brit mechanics that could make the bits fit even if they are from a different model.”

    “Just a mo Pan, my signaller has got a call on his Nokia, it says we have another startex delay something to do with Health and Safety!!. Apparently they are making a snap inspection and they have impounded our weapons because they don’t have a hazard warning on them and the ejector mechanism isn’t guarded. Might hit somebody in the eye apparently.” “The Colonel has just called too; he wants me to meet him ASAP with my risk assessment so we can go through it with the inspectors.”

    “Pan best check your tanks over, make sure they have guards on all the moving bits and put up signs reminding them not to point weapons at people, the HSE guy say that that this is really dangerous. The pillock thinks we use live rounds on exercise!!! He also says don’t fire them in the air either, he says what goes up must come down and his yellow plastic hat needs a wider brim.”
    “See you later Captain.”

    2 Hrs Later:

    CO: “Right Captain Panicos, the HSE boys have now been run off by the Pres’ military attaché, he told them that there is a problem in Limassol with a certain developer using oil drums for scaffolding, so they decided to investigate that instead.
    “Startex is now H hr plus 3, i.e. now and a bit to use your local vernacular; the enemy have moved forward to about 1 click over the ridge, I suggest you get into action immediately.

    Capt Panicos: (on his Nokia) “The troop will now advance over the ridge and attack down hill to take the enemy positions, out.”

    The Cypriot contingent moves forward under a barrage of simulated shellfire, following their tanks which are laying down a lot of smoke and noise.

    Unfortunately as they move over the crest they are bracketed by a series of mortar explosions and the lead tank which is 50 meters down hill is declared hit by the umpires. The other tanks withdraw to a hull down position on the ridge and the attack stalls.

    CO: “Captain Panicos, what is going on, press on with your attack or the Brits on your flank will be cut off.”

    Captain Panicos: “Right sir, I’m just loading up my Truck with the machine gun and several of the lads, we will go forward and assess the situation.”

    Panicos loads up the Camouflaged Izuzu pickup, straps a 50 Cal on the roof pintle and rockets up the hillside to the ridge.

    CO to his driver: “They look like a bunch of Somalis in a technical from here.”

    Pausing for a second the truck then shoots forward down the hill, firing left and right with weapons sticking out of every window.

    Seeing the Boss fearlessly rushing into battle, the contingent pick themselves up and proceed to rush down the hill following Panicos’ headlong rush towards the enemy.

    The CO watching this from his forward OP on the ridge is amazed to see the pickup’s high speed dash down the hill; it hits a bump and flies 20 meters before landing and crashing through the enemy roadblock and coming to rest on its side. The troops immediately pick themselves up to find the demo platoon have fled. Within minutes the position is under the control of Panicos with the tanks moved into defensive position protecting their front. The Brits are straggling down the adjoining hill cursing and swearing as they fight their way through a series of obstructions made up of old fridges cookers and sofas which are strung out at the side of the road.

    Twenty minutes later the CO sends up a red flare and declares endex, “Gather round for a debrief and brew lads” he says.

    CO: “Pan that was a brilliant attack, you took everybody by surprise and the clever bit was yumping over the mined area on the approach to the roadblock. It really peed off the umpires as they thought you would be knocked out by crossing them.

    Captain Panicos:”thanks Boss, my driver likes a bit of rally driving, but he scared the hell out of me!!

    CO: “Well Pan what did he say when he hit the road block?”

    Captain Panicos: “I don’t know sir; he rushed off into the bushes shouting something about the mechanics not fixing the bloody brakes.”
     
  2. Ask the Turks. :)
     
  3. Better yet, ask the Turks and the Greeks!!!

    Item one on the agenda for Cypriot NATO membership, where shall we hold the meeting....... Greece or Turkey... no Turkey or Greece.
     
  4. Or just ask the Cypriots. :wink:
     
  5. What point would it serve? It's not a Public Baths where anyone can dip their toe if they want. What would the Cypriots bring to NATO that isn't already supplied via the SBAs?
     
  6. Croatia and Albania brought NATO membership to 28... Well, Cyprus will bring it to 29, one more member and it will be a round number!
     
  7. It'll never happen,the Gricks,are to paranoid about the Turks.

    Added to that the fact that we shouldn't trust the Grick Cyps,as far as we can throw them. I dare say I have a longer memory than most of you,those yoghurt munchers were murdering our guys back in the late 50's, Makarios backed it, and a nice little Grick Cyp by the name of Dr George Grevas,organised it and carried it out,and at the end of this little contretemps was hailed as a hero in Greece! :roll: You really want these blokes at your back?
     
  8. Maybe those yoghurt munchers were taking revenge for actions of Grick Cyp by the name of Dr George Grevas and Hellenic Raiding Force both backed by Churchil (directly or indirectly)?
     
  9. I think the Greek Cyps murdered far fewer than the germans did ten years before. Best not trust those b*stards either, nor the Italians, don't even get me onto the Vichy French!!

    If you don't take a stand, they'll be sugesting letting Provos into Parliament and allowing them to claim money from the state for the priveledge.
     
  10. Slightly "off topic" and I do apologise;

    was on holiday with Mrs Brummie in Limmasol. At the hotel was a barman with a big fcuk-off mustache, it was quite a sight. . Anyway, got quite chatty with him after the first week, turns out he was a relative of Col. Grivas, and invited me to the orange grove where the Colonel is buried.

    There is a house in the orange trees that the barman said was the former house of Grivas's mother, and that all the time our blokes were looking for Grivas, he was hidden in a room under the house.

    There is a sort of staging at the grave, with seats for VIP's when events are held there. The grave itself is quite imposing, I've got a photo somewhere, must look it out.