Short of cash? Got a rich relative? Here's what to do!

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Zero_Over, Jun 29, 2011.

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  1. Don't you just hate the way that selfish, well-off relatives refuse to do the decent thing and die ASAP leaving you with all the cash?

    Why not follow the example of this loving family:

    BBC News - Hampshire family 'tried to kill grandfather over inheritance'

    The only problem I have with it is that it took five of them and they still failed to kill him.

    Anyway - how would you kill a rich relative?
     
  2. I'd nail the rich old fart to an armchair in Tropper's front room with a sign round his neck saying, "Reminisces Welcome". 5-6 hours of that should do for him!

    If Tropper starts reminiscing about how he has actually had sex, would it be a Tropper Clopper Whopper?
     
  3. I'd try battering him to death with a brick in a bag.. errr hold on, I've just been called forward to the court room....
     
    • Like Like x 1
  4. If the teenage girls were fit they could have put a 'show' on for him. A heart attack is natural causes after all. Ask the Widow Shale if you don't believe me.
     
  5. when grampa shuffles off to the bog for a shit connect a hose up to a car exhaust and run it to the bog. when you hear the thump of his head hitting the wall,pull the hose out and wait for another relative to find his decomposing corpse.

    simple :)
     
  6. Lots and Lots of roughage and fibre in his food, followed by a stool softner, guaranteed. Will be found spreadeagled on crapper next am with grimace on mush and turtle head!.
     
  7. There are apparently s significant number of 'non-persons' in India whose relatives have bribed officials to issue death certificates. The poor sods are in utter limbo - they can't petition a Court because they have no legal standing without an identity and in a predominantly rural society the only people who can testify to who they are are either the relatives who've done the deed or locals who're entirely in the relatives' power.

    They get the inheritance and at most risk a 'bribery and theft' charge instead of murder.
     
  8. TheIronDuke

    TheIronDuke LE Book Reviewer

    Cracking. One of the many things I love about India is the "Court of Judge Nutmeg" legal system. We taught them everything they know you know. Makes you proud to be British.

    Back on topic. Wait for a birthday or Christmas. Tell the coffin dodger it is a special treat and all the family will be there and, because you love him, you have arranged for Nipper The Stripper to blow him at 6.30pm.

    A big lobster on an 8oz fillet steak, medium rare. Jersey Royal spuds smothered in butter and Helmans full-fat. Some lettuce on the side so nobody gets suspicious. Double Death By Chocolate dessert with custard made with double cream. Wine, liqueurs and a spot of brandy. At 6.20 wheel him out, get Nipper to get her kit off and kneel down then kidney punch the fucker. Say he fell over drunk and died. Sorted. Guess what the Coroner is going to conclude?