Army Rumour Service

Register a free account today to become a member! Once signed in, you'll be able to participate on this site by adding your own topics and posts, as well as connect with other members through your own private inbox!

Shopping For Christmas Presents for SWMBO & Other Pointless Exercises

For over twenty years, this time of year feels me with dread.

Not only is it Christmas, but it's her birthday on the 28th, and so I have to find two lots of presents.

She's not a girly girl and so jewelry and fashion is not an option.
She doesn't like perfume or smelly things.
She's recently given up chocolate.
She doesn't drink, so the recent trendy gins won't cut it.
The thought of a spa day or similar fills her with horror.

Help!!
Adventure days? White water rafting, parachute jump, that sort of thing?
 
I have found - after nigh on 30 years of experience that the best way is to sit at the table with pen and paper and say 'Tell me in detail what you want for Christmas. Colour, size etc' I write it down and buy it. It seems to work. There are a few givens - the earth would shift of its axis if there wasn't a 1000 piece jigsaw under the tree [and in return I know there will be a bottle of decent whisky for me]
 
I have found - after nigh on 30 years of experience that the best way is to sit at the table with pen and paper and say 'Tell me in detail what you want for Christmas. Colour, size etc' I write it down and buy it. It seems to work. There are a few givens - the earth would shift of its axis if there wasn't a 1000 piece jigsaw under the tree [and in return I know there will be a bottle of decent whisky for me]

A 1000 piece Jigsaw?

I'm starting to see a picture there.
 
For over twenty years, this time of year feels me with dread.

Not only is it Christmas, but it's her birthday on the 28th, and so I have to find two lots of presents.

She's not a girly girl and so jewelry and fashion is not an option.
She doesn't like perfume or smelly things.
She's recently given up chocolate.
She doesn't drink, so the recent trendy gins won't cut it.
The thought of a spa day or similar fills her with horror.

Help!!
Perfume!! Yes! Thank you, she’s run out of the poncey French stink she like
(no, not Gerard Depardieu)
 
For over twenty years, this time of year feels me with dread.

Not only is it Christmas, but it's her birthday on the 28th, and so I have to find two lots of presents.

She's not a girly girl and so jewelry and fashion is not an option.
She doesn't like perfume or smelly things.
She's recently given up chocolate.
She doesn't drink, so the recent trendy gins won't cut it.
The thought of a spa day or similar fills her with horror.

Help!!
She doesn't like perfume or smelly things.

I suppose a blow job is out of the question then....;-);-);-)
 

DarkBrig

War Hero
IMG-20201213-WA0002.jpg
 
SWMBO got sofas this year and says there is no need to get her anything else but I have a feeling that might be a trap as the last time she said that and I followed orders I was on radio silence for two weeks and ohhhh what bliss it was!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 

OneTenner

LE
Book Reviewer
SWMBO got sofas this year and says there is no need to get her anything else but I have a feeling that might be a trap as the last time she said that and I followed orders I was on radio silence for two weeks and ohhhh what bliss it was!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Get her some matching cushions - if she complains you can always suffocate her with one of 'em.
 

OneTenner

LE
Book Reviewer
I like your thinking! Also, for totally unrelated reasons I started digging foundations for a new patio last week.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
I heard from a Serb acquaintance that using corn as a substrate below the slabs can prevent any noxious odours from penetrating the soil, so as to prevent any unwanted attention from (for example) trained search dogs.... Oddly enough,it's traditional in some parts for a newly laid patio to be celebrated by the burying of a freshly killed tom cat in a totally unrelated part of the garden.
 
I heard from a Serb acquaintance that using corn as a substrate below the slabs can prevent any noxious odours from penetrating the soil, so as to prevent any unwanted attention from (for example) trained search dogs.... Oddly enough,it's traditional in some parts for a newly laid patio to be celebrated by the burying of a freshly killed tom cat in a totally unrelated part of the garden.

Good tip, will make a note of that (for a friend of course)


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
Mine’s getting the usual shat; perfume, dressing gown, iTunes card, tickets to that cnut Sarah Milican and a massive toblerone. Oh and an Only Fools and Horses monopoly game because 1. She hates monopoly and 2. She hates Only Fools and Horses. I however love it so I’ll blag that, a couple of days after.
I ask her every bastard year from September onwards what she wants or to give me ideas and she never bothers cos she’s a facking cnut. By the time it comes to the wanky day, I’m threaders with it.
So instead of letting her ruin yet another, I’ve bought her shite, and because Brexit is coming I’ve worked longer shifts, so she’s had to do the shopping for the first time ever. Bout time she got her hand in her pocket, lazy bastard
 

Joker62

ADC
Book Reviewer
We agreed back in the summer not to go mad, as anything we want, we normally just go out and buy. Agreed a limit of 50 quid each. For her, 3 more charms for her bracelet, for me, I know I've got a magazine subscription (which I've had for the past 15 years, but only from her for 4), other that hat I haven't got a clue. Under the small tree we have it does look pretty bare.
 

Nemesis44UK

LE
Book Reviewer
Mine’s getting the usual shat; perfume, dressing gown, iTunes card, tickets to that cnut Sarah Milican and a massive toblerone. Oh and an Only Fools and Horses monopoly game because 1. She hates monopoly and 2. She hates Only Fools and Horses. I however love it so I’ll blag that, a couple of days after.
I ask her every bastard year from September onwards what she wants or to give me ideas and she never bothers cos she’s a facking cnut. By the time it comes to the wanky day, I’m threaders with it.
So instead of letting her ruin yet another, I’ve bought her shite, and because Brexit is coming I’ve worked longer shifts, so she’s had to do the shopping for the first time ever. Bout time she got her hand in her pocket, lazy bastard

Sounds like you're quite dissatisfied with your wife. Why not give her something she really won't expect, like a divorce. Or a donkey punch. Or just repeated elbows to her head while she sleeps?
 
Sounds like you're quite dissatisfied with your wife. Why not give her something she really won't expect, like a divorce. Or a donkey punch. Or just repeated elbows to her head while she sleeps?
Why would I do that?? My wife’s ace and I love her more than anyone else (50/50 with my dog mind you).
 
That’s an idea, diving with sharks, sky diving, hot air ballooning.
now where is that life insurance policy:???:
Sent mine diving with sharks, apparently traumatized sand tigers is a thing.
 

Latest Threads

Top