Shocking Texts

Discussion in 'The ARRSE Hole' started by Mighty_doh_nut, Aug 11, 2005.

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  1. Its only recently I've begun to use the camera facility and sms features on my mobile handset. It has its advantages and disadvantages.

    You are always reachable, which can be a good thing, a bad thing or an totally embarrasing as I'll explain now.

    I'd been bantering and arsing around via Text with Cait all day the other day with minging, quite horrid exchanges taking place. Buts hats off and a septic style salute to her for winning hands down later on in the evening.

    I was at my mother in laws Birthday do, in a Restaurant in town with my othe half, my little one and a couple of the 'Kurgans' friends.

    I was expecting a call from a client, which I was also using to get up between courses and go for a wander.

    I had my phone on silent and I felt it vibrate in my chest pocket 'Bingo' I thought, thats my rescue call.

    I took my handset out and opened the message...... 'HHHmmm does your mother in law like hot cum pumping up her asshole'

    I can't begin to eplain my reaction, I went bright red and physically laughed out loud, all eyes turned to the ignorant cnut looking at his mobile phone. Schoolboy giggles followed and the other half going into a strop. I nearly bit the end off my fork and almost choked on a king prawn.

    She asked me 'Is it one of your stupid army friends sending you idiotic jokes' I just had my head down chuckling and rapidly deleting it. Whilst she is understanding I don't imagine her seeing the funny side of a text about her mothers spuzzed in botty from a fit blonde chick...... I elected to lie :D

    I kept looking at the mother in law and wondering what she'd look like with her legs wrapped round her head with a trail of man baby batter dripping from her botty. The clotted cream rice pudding for dessert suddenly lost all its appeal

    Anyone else been stitched via Sms?
  2. As most people are aware i build video mobile networks such as 3, etc... and within this job when we bring a new site on air we have a communial mobile phone (which is hooked up to a PC) that we have to send texts out to all unsundry letting them know that 'site XXXX has been integrated'. Basically ots a way of the head bosses checking on us.

    Now this mobile doesnt send its number out when the texts go out. so much fun can be had with it.

    Take for instance

    The time i text a guy who i hadnt spoken to for a few months the Text went something like this

    'YOU B'stard, you got me pregnant, Have just done the test and its positive!! How could you!!'

    Within the period of four months it took him to work out it was me doing it, he got 3 or 4 texts a week, telling him how much of a cnut he was and why had he not rang, and basically me just acting as though i was a physco woman who was gonna stalk him.

    Shame when i did eventually see him he didn't see the funny side
  3. yes .... i was in Glasgow a little while ago, when i recieved a text saying

    "hello mate, i'm having pizza tonight fancy popping over??"

    bit confusing i thought, i didn't recognise the number so i just deleted it.

    the following friday ...

    "hello mate, having chinese tonight, fancy popping over or are you just going to blank me again??!

    so i replied ...

    "who is this"

    "don't be such a sh1t **** " was the reply ... WTF !! i've got a stalker i thought

    this went on for a while until i got a PM from a member of this site who shall remain nameless asking if i enjoyed my pizza.

    all i can say is ... serves you right MDN you c-unt , and cait .... good f*cking stitch mate.

    oh, and one last thing .... have you got anything to do with the following from

    "lop eared lezzers@ spank me .com"

    "your order of 3 jubblie bearing beauties will be with you a.m. tomorrow"

    ... it's got you written all over it you slag ..... good job my missus has got a sense of humour :D
  4. I received a text when I was visiting my Gran who was laid up in bed sick, now I cant lie I have never be close to the old dear (the scent of lavender, Everton mints and p.iss kinda puts you off) but I wouldn’t wish ill on her.

    Anyway there I was at her bedside as she laid there in her frail state, my mobile buzzed and I got a text from MDN, I knew I shouldn’t have read it and kicked myself when I did:

    “I want to tongue your grannies tender biffkin, I have my special snorkel equipment on”


    I nearly choked on my Victoria Sponge :D
  5. Sure I've seen that face on a Crimewatch!
  6. How about having a message to your new girlfriend finished off by a stitching tw~t who helpfully creates a diversion and sends it for you.

    "I'll get back into London at about 9........."

    Treching cnut

    "Oz you've got a phone call in the adjt's office"

    message ended by treching cnut

    "Get your knickers off, tea one sugar, I'll bring the love it"

    I always wondered why she was raring to go when I got there :lol:
  7. a mate of mine used to work (about 7-8 years ago) for a mobi phone company which will remain nameless (but mix red and yellow and you'll get the idea) as a teki. On nightshift him and his colleagues, if quiet, would go watch the text message servers monitors and read the messages scrolling past. The number of texts was less back then so you did have time to read what they said.
    You couldn't follow exchanges of texts but some of the one off he saw were classics. Including ones exactly like Sabres pregnancy tale except some of them were bound to be real!
    He said it was better entertainment than the playstation and the portable tv they had in the restroom.
  8. My sister came home from Australia at Christmas when my old man was a bit poorly.

    She is three years younger than me and I was doing the big brotherly thing and making sure her boyfriend was lookign after her etc....

    She came round to see me one night, I was on my own hadn't been long off the phone to the sites resident 'warped blonde'

    I sat catching up with my sis when the mobile buzzed....... Its was gone nine O clock at night so went to it with a sense of urgency and considering my dads state a slight panic went through me as I grabbed the phone.

    Relief and horror hit me when I opened it and it was from Cait

    'Does your sister have a tight little cnut'

    I was quite literally gobsmacked, and the shock tactics she employed most definatley worked.

    I recovered quickly, got Cait her answer and spent the eveing making love and pointy headed children with my sister.