Shit Jokes...

Discussion in 'Blue Jokes' started by Mugatu, Sep 18, 2012.

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  1. I'll kick off,

    I was addicted to sex so I decided to go cold turkey. Now I've been banned from Iceland.
     
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  2. My mate lives in a greenhouse, it's only a stone's throw away.
     
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  3. Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says
    'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

    He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and

    put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.

    And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were

    chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said

    Yes, this is my livelihood.'

    So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a
    lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

    So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's
    speaking please? ' And a voice said 'You are.'

    So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my

    house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.

    I went to the doctors. He said 'I'd like you to lie on the couch'. I said

    What for?' He said 'I'd like to sweep the floor'

    I went to the doctors. He said 'What appears to be the problem?'. I said

    'I keep having the same dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing

    towards me and I keep pushing them away'. He said 'How can I help?'. I said
    'Break my arms!'

    My wife had a go at me last night. She said 'You'll drive me to my grave'.

    I had the car out in thirty seconds.

    I went up into the attic and found a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt.

    Unfortunately Stradivarius was a terrible painter and Rembrandt made lousy
    violins.

    One year I got a bike for my birthday. So I went peddling off down the

    road and knocked an old lady down. 'Can't you ring your bell?' She said.

    'I can ring my bell,' I said 'But I can't ride my bike'

    We were coming in to land, and it affects your ears, doesn't it? The

    Stewardess gave me chewing gum. I put it in my ear. Took two days to get it
    out.

    This little old lady was frightened. She looked at me, she said 'Do

    something religious'. So I took up a collection.

    I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

    A policeman stopped me the other night, he taps on the window of the car and
    says: 'Would you please blow into this bag, Sir'. I said: 'What
    for,
    Officer?' He says: 'My chips are too hot'.

    I got stopped again last night by another policeman. He says: 'I'd like to

    follow you to the nearest Police Station'. I said 'What For?'. He said:

    'I've forgotten the way'.

    So I said to the taxi driver, 'King Authur's Close'. He said, 'Don't

    worry, we'll lose him at the next set of lights'

    A man walks into a greengrocer's and says, I want five pounds of potatoes
    please. And the greengrocer says, we only sell kilos. So the man says, alright
    then, I'll have five pounds of kilos.

    And he said 'My dog doesn't eat meat'. I said 'Why not?'. He said 'We

    don't give him any'

    I knocked at my friend's door and his wife answered the door. I said 'Is

    Jim in?'. She didn't reply, just stood there looking at me. So I asked

    again. Just then a woman appeared at his wife's elbow. 'Sorry luv' she

    said 'We buried him last Thursday'. 'He didn't say anything about a pot of
    yellow paint before he went, did he?'

    I went to Blackpool on holiday and knocked at the first boarding house

    that I came to. A women stuck her head out of an upstairs window and said
    What do you want?'. 'I'd like to stay here' 'Ok. Stay there'.

    I went to the doctor. He said 'you've got a very serious illness'. I said

    'I want a second opinion'. He said 'all right, you're ugly as well'.

    When I was in the scouts, the leader told me to pitch a tent. I couldn't

    find any pitch, so I used creosote.

    I went into this pub, and I ate a ploughman's lunch. He was livid.

    I got home from work and the wife said - I'm very sorry dear, but the

    cat's eaten your dinner'. I said 'Dont worry - I'll get you a new cat'.

    I went into this ice cream parlour and said 'I'd like a vanilla cone'.

    The assistant said 'Hundreds and thousands ?'. I said 'No - I'll just
    have
    the one'.

    He said 'knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of

    freedom in these trousers, yes.'

    I've always been unlucky. I had a rocking horse once, and it died.

    I said to the waiter, I said 'This chicken I've got is cold'. He said 'I

    should think so. It's been dead for two weeks'. 'Not only that', I said,

    'It's got one leg shorter than the other'. He said 'What do you want to

    do, eat it or dance with it?'

    Sometimes I drink my whiskey neat. Other times I take my tie off and leave my
    shirt out.



    Are you fucking bored with this shit yet? No? Ok you asked for it.


    My wife and I were fighting like hammer and tongs. She won, she had the
    hammer.

    I hurt my back the day. I was playing piggy back with my 6 year old

    nephew, and I fell off. '

    Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.' 'That sounds

    like Tom Jones syndrome. ' 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

    A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there

    anything you can do for him? ' 'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at

    him' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
    Finally, he says 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's
    cross-eyed? ' 'No, because he's really heavy'

    Guy goes into the
    doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my
    backside.' 'How's that?'
    'Don't you start'

    So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming

    baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

    I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he

    couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks

    are too high.'

    I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife. Filthy, dirty

    and covered with cobwebs.... but she's good with the kids...

    Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in
    my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older
    brother Colin Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

    Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'your round.' The Other

    one says 'so are you, you fat b*stard'

    A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and
    starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I
    help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

    Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go

    'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing
    on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

    You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a
    little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.


    I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?', I

    said (butchly) 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a
    caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said (campily) 'Make your mind up.'

    So I went to the dentist. He said 'Say Aaah.' I said 'Why?' He said 'My

    dog's died.''

    Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in

    went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said

    to me Oy you, get out of the filing cabinet.''
     
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  4. Two fish in a tank......... One turns to the other and says I thought you were driving?

    Two sausages in a pan one turns to the other and says "my god it's hot in here" the other one says "AHHHHHHHH A TALKING SAUSAGE !!!"

    Wheeeeeey
     
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  5. I came home to find my wife horny. "tie me up and you can do anything you want", she said.

    So I tied her up and went golfing.
     
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  6. ME: Can I be arrested for calling you a cunt?

    POLICE OFFICER: Yes

    ME: What if I only think you are a cunt?

    POLICE OFFICER: Well, there isn't much I can do about that...

    ME: Good, I because I think you're a cunt.
     
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  7. How do you know if a scouser has been in your back yard?

    Your wheelie bin is on bricks.
     
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  8. My girlfriend was putting sun cream on. "Do you mind doing my back?" she asked. "Let's pretend I'm your butler" I winked. "My name's Dawes. " "Ok!" she giggled, "Would you mind doing my back, Dawes?" And that was all the invitation I needed...
     
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  9. Bill was instructing CPR to a group of Year 10 pupils as part of their PHSE syllabus.

    Classes always used a mannequin known as "Resusci Annie". This particular model was just a head and torso, no legs as it was easier to store it in it's case.

    The kids would practise on Annie in groups before they were tested.

    On examination day Phillip, as he had been taught knelt down next to Annie, shook her asking "Are you alright," he then put his ear next to her mouth to feel for breathing. So far, so good.

    He the turned to Bill and with a straight face said, "Sir, she says she can't feel her legs."
     
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  10. Have you heard that new dubstep song?

    The one that goes "Wubwubwubwubwubwubwubwubwub erk wubwubwubwubwubwubwub"
     
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  11. Signallers

    Signallers Book Reviewer

    I once owned my own private jet, my wife owned the rest of the hot tub though!
     
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  12. Whats the difference between Jam and Marmalade, you cant Marmalade your cock up the wifes arse.
     
  13. Last week, I had my Valentine's message refused by Moonpig.com

    Apparently,

    "Roses are straight,
    Violets are twisted,
    Bend over, bitch,
    You're gonna get fisted."

    was not acceptable.
     
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  14. why are there no headache tablets in the jungle?

    Because the parrots eat 'em all.

    Jesus I really am dull
     
  15. Made me laugh





    when I was 8 or 9
     
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