Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says
'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and
put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.
And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were
chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said
Yes, this is my livelihood.'
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a
lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's
speaking please? ' And a voice said 'You are.'
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my
house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.
I went to the doctors. He said 'I'd like you to lie on the couch'. I said
What for?' He said 'I'd like to sweep the floor'
I went to the doctors. He said 'What appears to be the problem?'. I said
'I keep having the same dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing
towards me and I keep pushing them away'. He said 'How can I help?'. I said
'Break my arms!'
My wife had a go at me last night. She said 'You'll drive me to my grave'.
I had the car out in thirty seconds.
I went up into the attic and found a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt.
Unfortunately Stradivarius was a terrible painter and Rembrandt made lousy
One year I got a bike for my birthday. So I went peddling off down the
road and knocked an old lady down. 'Can't you ring your bell?' She said.
'I can ring my bell,' I said 'But I can't ride my bike'
We were coming in to land, and it affects your ears, doesn't it? The
Stewardess gave me chewing gum. I put it in my ear. Took two days to get it
This little old lady was frightened. She looked at me, she said 'Do
something religious'. So I took up a collection.
I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
A policeman stopped me the other night, he taps on the window of the car and
says: 'Would you please blow into this bag, Sir'. I said: 'What
Officer?' He says: 'My chips are too hot'.
I got stopped again last night by another policeman. He says: 'I'd like to
follow you to the nearest Police Station'. I said 'What For?'. He said:
'I've forgotten the way'.
So I said to the taxi driver, 'King Authur's Close'. He said, 'Don't
worry, we'll lose him at the next set of lights'
A man walks into a greengrocer's and says, I want five pounds of potatoes
please. And the greengrocer says, we only sell kilos. So the man says, alright
then, I'll have five pounds of kilos.
And he said 'My dog doesn't eat meat'. I said 'Why not?'. He said 'We
don't give him any'
I knocked at my friend's door and his wife answered the door. I said 'Is
Jim in?'. She didn't reply, just stood there looking at me. So I asked
again. Just then a woman appeared at his wife's elbow. 'Sorry luv' she
said 'We buried him last Thursday'. 'He didn't say anything about a pot of
yellow paint before he went, did he?'
I went to Blackpool on holiday and knocked at the first boarding house
that I came to. A women stuck her head out of an upstairs window and said
What do you want?'. 'I'd like to stay here' 'Ok. Stay there'.
I went to the doctor. He said 'you've got a very serious illness'. I said
'I want a second opinion'. He said 'all right, you're ugly as well'.
When I was in the scouts, the leader told me to pitch a tent. I couldn't
find any pitch, so I used creosote.
I went into this pub, and I ate a ploughman's lunch. He was livid.
I got home from work and the wife said - I'm very sorry dear, but the
cat's eaten your dinner'. I said 'Dont worry - I'll get you a new cat'.
I went into this ice cream parlour and said 'I'd like a vanilla cone'.
The assistant said 'Hundreds and thousands ?'. I said 'No - I'll just
He said 'knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of
freedom in these trousers, yes.'
I've always been unlucky. I had a rocking horse once, and it died.
I said to the waiter, I said 'This chicken I've got is cold'. He said 'I
should think so. It's been dead for two weeks'. 'Not only that', I said,
'It's got one leg shorter than the other'. He said 'What do you want to
do, eat it or dance with it?'
Sometimes I drink my whiskey neat. Other times I take my tie off and leave my
Are you fucking bored with this shit yet? No? Ok you asked for it.
My wife and I were fighting like hammer and tongs. She won, she had the
I hurt my back the day. I was playing piggy back with my 6 year old
nephew, and I fell off. '
Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.' 'That sounds
like Tom Jones syndrome. ' 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there
anything you can do for him? ' 'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at
him' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's
cross-eyed? ' 'No, because he's really heavy'
Guy goes into the
doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my
backside.' 'How's that?'
'Don't you start'
So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming
baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks
are too high.'
I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife. Filthy, dirty
and covered with cobwebs.... but she's good with the kids...
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in
my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older
brother Colin Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'your round.' The Other
one says 'so are you, you fat b*stard'
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and
starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I
help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go
'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing
on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a
little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.
I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?', I
said (butchly) 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a
caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said (campily) 'Make your mind up.'
So I went to the dentist. He said 'Say Aaah.' I said 'Why?' He said 'My
Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in
went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said
My girlfriend was putting sun cream on. "Do you mind doing my back?" she asked. "Let's pretend I'm your butler" I winked. "My name's Dawes. " "Ok!" she giggled, "Would you mind doing my back, Dawes?" And that was all the invitation I needed...
A professor at a university was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks,
'How many people here believe in ghosts?'
About 90 students raise their hands.
Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'
About 40 students raise their hands.
That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'
About 15 students raise their hand.
Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'
Three students raise their hands.
That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'
Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'
The Middle Eastern muslim student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'
Ahmed replied, "Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."
A shit joke is something like ' 2 lesbians in a bath and one says to the other where's the soap, the other replies yes doesn't it'
Just to explain it to you it is possible to write 'where' in two different ways where's means for example have you seen. Wear on the other hand though pronounced the same means something totally different, I will let your nurse explain.
The Headache joke however is actually a good joke for 8 or 9 year olds, as you say a couple of years ago, so I suggest that you go start your own thread of jokes suitable for kiddies and leave the shit jokes thread to those of us that know shit jokes, dear.
And whilst gnoshing-men may be a suitable name for some, its obviously well up in your thought train probably why you are waiting for fireman sam xx
Jimmy and his family lived in one of those areas where their toilet was a wooden hut over a trench.
Jimmy was playing when his father came to him and asked "Jimmy, did you push the toilet hut into the trench? at which Jimmy says "Dad, I can not lie. Yes I did it."
His father gave him one hell of a leathering at which Jimmy says, "But Dad, you told me that when George Washington's son chopped down the cherry tree and admitted it, his father did not punish him, so how come I admit to pushing the hut and you belt me?"
His father looks at him and says, "Yes Jimmy I remember but there is one difference - George Washington's father was not in the ruddy tree at the time!"
If we're talking about jokes for little kids, when I was about 7, a girl in my class asked me, "What's your favoutite animal?"
"A dog," I replied.
"What's your favourite number?"
"And what's your favourite colour?"
She then chuckled, "Hah! I've never seen a green dog with five legs before!"
Fast forward to me as a 21 year old walking to the bus stop from work. A young kid, playing in the street shouted to me, "Hey, mister, what's your favourite animal?"
"A horse," I reply.
"What's your favourite number?" he continued.
"Four," I answer, knowing what's coming next.
"So, what's your favourite colour?" he asks, hoping it's the same as my dayglo mohican.
"Brown," came my smug reply.
I smirked at the crestfallen kid, knowing I've destroyed his punchline and walk on to get my bus.