Shit Jokes...

My mate lives in a greenhouse, it's only a stone's throw away.
Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says
'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and

put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were

chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said

Yes, this is my livelihood.'

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a
lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's
speaking please? ' And a voice said 'You are.'

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my

house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.

I went to the doctors. He said 'I'd like you to lie on the couch'. I said

What for?' He said 'I'd like to sweep the floor'

I went to the doctors. He said 'What appears to be the problem?'. I said

'I keep having the same dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing

towards me and I keep pushing them away'. He said 'How can I help?'. I said
'Break my arms!'

My wife had a go at me last night. She said 'You'll drive me to my grave'.

I had the car out in thirty seconds.

I went up into the attic and found a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt.

Unfortunately Stradivarius was a terrible painter and Rembrandt made lousy

One year I got a bike for my birthday. So I went peddling off down the

road and knocked an old lady down. 'Can't you ring your bell?' She said.

'I can ring my bell,' I said 'But I can't ride my bike'

We were coming in to land, and it affects your ears, doesn't it? The

Stewardess gave me chewing gum. I put it in my ear. Took two days to get it

This little old lady was frightened. She looked at me, she said 'Do

something religious'. So I took up a collection.

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

A policeman stopped me the other night, he taps on the window of the car and
says: 'Would you please blow into this bag, Sir'. I said: 'What
Officer?' He says: 'My chips are too hot'.

I got stopped again last night by another policeman. He says: 'I'd like to

follow you to the nearest Police Station'. I said 'What For?'. He said:

'I've forgotten the way'.

So I said to the taxi driver, 'King Authur's Close'. He said, 'Don't

worry, we'll lose him at the next set of lights'

A man walks into a greengrocer's and says, I want five pounds of potatoes
please. And the greengrocer says, we only sell kilos. So the man says, alright
then, I'll have five pounds of kilos.

And he said 'My dog doesn't eat meat'. I said 'Why not?'. He said 'We

don't give him any'

I knocked at my friend's door and his wife answered the door. I said 'Is

Jim in?'. She didn't reply, just stood there looking at me. So I asked

again. Just then a woman appeared at his wife's elbow. 'Sorry luv' she

said 'We buried him last Thursday'. 'He didn't say anything about a pot of
yellow paint before he went, did he?'

I went to Blackpool on holiday and knocked at the first boarding house

that I came to. A women stuck her head out of an upstairs window and said
What do you want?'. 'I'd like to stay here' 'Ok. Stay there'.

I went to the doctor. He said 'you've got a very serious illness'. I said

'I want a second opinion'. He said 'all right, you're ugly as well'.

When I was in the scouts, the leader told me to pitch a tent. I couldn't

find any pitch, so I used creosote.

I went into this pub, and I ate a ploughman's lunch. He was livid.

I got home from work and the wife said - I'm very sorry dear, but the

cat's eaten your dinner'. I said 'Dont worry - I'll get you a new cat'.

I went into this ice cream parlour and said 'I'd like a vanilla cone'.

The assistant said 'Hundreds and thousands ?'. I said 'No - I'll just
the one'.

He said 'knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of

freedom in these trousers, yes.'

I've always been unlucky. I had a rocking horse once, and it died.

I said to the waiter, I said 'This chicken I've got is cold'. He said 'I

should think so. It's been dead for two weeks'. 'Not only that', I said,

'It's got one leg shorter than the other'. He said 'What do you want to

do, eat it or dance with it?'

Sometimes I drink my whiskey neat. Other times I take my tie off and leave my
shirt out.

Are you fucking bored with this shit yet? No? Ok you asked for it.

My wife and I were fighting like hammer and tongs. She won, she had the

I hurt my back the day. I was playing piggy back with my 6 year old

nephew, and I fell off. '

Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.' 'That sounds

like Tom Jones syndrome. ' 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there

anything you can do for him? ' 'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at

him' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's
cross-eyed? ' 'No, because he's really heavy'

Guy goes into the
doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my
backside.' 'How's that?'
'Don't you start'

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming

baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he

couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks

are too high.'

I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife. Filthy, dirty

and covered with cobwebs.... but she's good with the kids...

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in
my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older
brother Colin Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'your round.' The Other

one says 'so are you, you fat b*stard'

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and
starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I
help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go

'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing
on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a
little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?', I

said (butchly) 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a
caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said (campily) 'Make your mind up.'

So I went to the dentist. He said 'Say Aaah.' I said 'Why?' He said 'My

dog's died.''

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in

went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said

to me Oy you, get out of the filing cabinet.''
Two fish in a tank......... One turns to the other and says I thought you were driving?

Two sausages in a pan one turns to the other and says "my god it's hot in here" the other one says "AHHHHHHHH A TALKING SAUSAGE !!!"

I came home to find my wife horny. "tie me up and you can do anything you want", she said.

So I tied her up and went golfing.
ME: Can I be arrested for calling you a cunt?


ME: What if I only think you are a cunt?

POLICE OFFICER: Well, there isn't much I can do about that...

ME: Good, I because I think you're a cunt.
How do you know if a scouser has been in your back yard?

Your wheelie bin is on bricks.
My girlfriend was putting sun cream on. "Do you mind doing my back?" she asked. "Let's pretend I'm your butler" I winked. "My name's Dawes. " "Ok!" she giggled, "Would you mind doing my back, Dawes?" And that was all the invitation I needed...
Bill was instructing CPR to a group of Year 10 pupils as part of their PHSE syllabus.

Classes always used a mannequin known as "Resusci Annie". This particular model was just a head and torso, no legs as it was easier to store it in it's case.

The kids would practise on Annie in groups before they were tested.

On examination day Phillip, as he had been taught knelt down next to Annie, shook her asking "Are you alright," he then put his ear next to her mouth to feel for breathing. So far, so good.

He the turned to Bill and with a straight face said, "Sir, she says she can't feel her legs."
Have you heard that new dubstep song?

The one that goes "Wubwubwubwubwubwubwubwubwub erk wubwubwubwubwubwubwub"


Book Reviewer
I once owned my own private jet, my wife owned the rest of the hot tub though!
Last week, I had my Valentine's message refused by


"Roses are straight,
Violets are twisted,
Bend over, bitch,
You're gonna get fisted."

was not acceptable.
why are there no headache tablets in the jungle?

Because the parrots eat 'em all.

Jesus I really am dull
A professor at a university was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks,
'How many people here believe in ghosts?'
About 90 students raise their hands.
Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'
About 40 students raise their hands.
That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'
About 15 students raise their hand.
Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'
Three students raise their hands.
That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'
Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'
The Middle Eastern muslim student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'
Ahmed replied, "Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."
Done a lot of growing up in the last 2 years have you?

This is the shit jokes thread, so post a shit joke you O2 theiving sheeps cunt.

Your username should be gnoshing-men.
A shit joke is something like ' 2 lesbians in a bath and one says to the other where's the soap, the other replies yes doesn't it'

Just to explain it to you it is possible to write 'where' in two different ways where's means for example have you seen. Wear on the other hand though pronounced the same means something totally different, I will let your nurse explain.

The Headache joke however is actually a good joke for 8 or 9 year olds, as you say a couple of years ago, so I suggest that you go start your own thread of jokes suitable for kiddies and leave the shit jokes thread to those of us that know shit jokes, dear.

And whilst gnoshing-men may be a suitable name for some, its obviously well up in your thought train probably why you are waiting for fireman sam xx
Jimmy and his family lived in one of those areas where their toilet was a wooden hut over a trench.
Jimmy was playing when his father came to him and asked "Jimmy, did you push the toilet hut into the trench? at which Jimmy says "Dad, I can not lie. Yes I did it."
His father gave him one hell of a leathering at which Jimmy says, "But Dad, you told me that when George Washington's son chopped down the cherry tree and admitted it, his father did not punish him, so how come I admit to pushing the hut and you belt me?"
His father looks at him and says, "Yes Jimmy I remember but there is one difference - George Washington's father was not in the ruddy tree at the time!"
If we're talking about jokes for little kids, when I was about 7, a girl in my class asked me, "What's your favoutite animal?"
"A dog," I replied.
"What's your favourite number?"
"And what's your favourite colour?"
She then chuckled, "Hah! I've never seen a green dog with five legs before!"

Fast forward to me as a 21 year old walking to the bus stop from work. A young kid, playing in the street shouted to me, "Hey, mister, what's your favourite animal?"
"A horse," I reply.
"What's your favourite number?" he continued.
"Four," I answer, knowing what's coming next.
"So, what's your favourite colour?" he asks, hoping it's the same as my dayglo mohican.
"Brown," came my smug reply.
I smirked at the crestfallen kid, knowing I've destroyed his punchline and walk on to get my bus.

I was a shitbag even back in them days as well.

Similar threads

Latest Threads