Shit happens. Alternatives to toilet paper after Brexit

BBC's Politics Live had a roving report from a UK tissue and toilet paper manufacturer. Although a proportion of finished product is imported much of it is manufactured in the UK, However, a large proportion of raw material is imported from the EU. It was claimed that there is only a few weeks supply stored at any time and that any import delays or obstructions would lead to shortages.

There is a possibility that TP will be flying off the shelves as desperate punters panic. Maybe it's time to consider the strategic and environmental issues of toilet paper, wet wipes and iffy alternatives like newspaper that can block the bog.

Likewise, if you have tips for field expedient arrse wipes, they might be, erm, handy.
Remainers should wipe their arses with a cactus. Give 'em something real to cry about.
 
A major bog paper crisis looms... we need an SME here right now...

If you have a problem... if no one else can help... and if you can find him... maybe you can hire... @earth
 
In days of old when knights were bold
And paper was not invented
You wiped your arrse with tufts of grass
And walked away contented.
In days of old when knights were bold
And fought to test their mettle
You had to be careful when wiping your arrse
in case you found a nettle
 
I draw the line at sand, pine needles and rocks.
There's a lesson there. Never use pine or spruce needles you found on the ground for making tea. It might not put Bear Grylls off but probably everyone else.

Rocks, reminds me of The holy stone of Clonrichert. Just watch the whole episode of Father Ted: Tentacles of Doom. It's one of the best.

 
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Fairly universal in parts of the Far East. IMHO, better than bog paper.

The Nippons even have toilets that shoot a jet of warm water up to one's arrse when sitting on them.
Proving, once again, that they are the weirdest people on the entire planet.
 
Judging by the performance of our feckless government we should soon have an announcement that they have engaged Earth as a consultant.
 
I've been told by this bloke down the pub that the EU will no longer pump air through the channel tunnel if we hard brexit and we'll all die of asphyxia. Dead serious it is,
They're asking billions to keep the service going, I mean it's better than choking while you wipe your arrse with your bare hands innit?
 
I've been told by this bloke down the pub that the EU will no longer pump air through the channel tunnel if we hard brexit and we'll all die of asphyxia. Dead serious it is,
They're asking billions to keep the service going, I mean it's better than choking while you wipe your arrse with your bare hands innit?
Tell he he's a Total Recall walt
 
The Nippons even have toilets that shoot a jet of warm water up to one's arrse when sitting on them.
China also. Female friend was telling me how you could get it to pulse and ripple, move around etc. No wonder the birds have slanty eyes!!
 
Takes scare mongering to new heights! I seem to remember a few years back it was reported that a lot of the waste paper we exported to China was converted into bog rolls for the local population, so why cant we do this with a smaller population? Number of people in China x 1 motion per day x 4 sheets per motion ? = daily production norm. Perhaps a small + loading for dodgy pork or chicken factor.

Could no-deal Brexit mean loo roll logjam?
 
Takes scare mongering to new heights! I seem to remember a few years back it was reported that a lot of the waste paper we exported to China was converted into bog rolls for the local population, so why cant we do this with a smaller population? Number of people in China x 1 motion per day x 4 sheets per motion ? = daily production norm. Perhaps a small + loading for dodgy pork or chicken factor.

Could no-deal Brexit mean loo roll logjam?
Four sheets? Sometimes two will do but I'm wondering if I need to carve an arrse scaper to deal with some of my motions.
 

NSP

LE
Proving, once again, that they are the weirdest people on the entire planet.
Dunno about that. This one's in a hotel in Indonesia:-

Bum wash.jpg


Anyway, come the crapocalypse, I'll be okay. I built myself an 18rd magazine of ready rounds a few years ago and I've a bumper pack or two up on the garage rafter boards from stockpiling when offers are on:-

Magazine.jpg
 
Dunno about that. This one's in a hotel in Indonesia:-

View attachment 371969

Anyway, come the crapocalypse, I'll be okay. I built myself an 18rd magazine of ready rounds a few years ago and I've a bumper pack or two up on the garage rafter boards from stockpiling when offers are on:-

View attachment 371970
18? You're clearly full of shit.
 

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