She was just too gopping and you just couldnt bang it......

Queensman. I worked with a charming ex-WRAAF in a Secret Spy Base for 30 years. Charming as she was, she had the plainest face ever.
Chatting over tea one nightshift she said of Gib;

'I was the best shag on the island, I had to be!'.
 

Cutaway

LE
Kit Reviewer
Not into quoting ?
 

bunsen

Crow
Many moons ago, I was at a party where I imbibed copious amounts of grog and soon decided it was time to end my chastity streak. I caught the eye of a young lass who I invited to come outside to spin a yarn and get cosy. We moved outside, away from the other guests, behind some scrub and soon started playing the tonsil-tennis. At this point I was so plastered I could already feel a headache coming on as if the hangover was knocking at the door trying to let itself in. After our short match of tonsil-tennis the young lass grabbed my third leg and proceeded to put her mouth to use. By the end of that round we were both on the ground, half naked and about to commit the deed when I had the bright idea of repaying her oral skills with my own. Unfortunately at that point, the headache seemed to worsen at the insistence of my body to continue with the vigorous and rigorous motions.

As I pulled down her jeans and underwear, I was greeted, not with the soft feminine smell that arouses oneself, but with a putrid and pungent odour that was reminiscent of rotting fish larvae. My face instantly recoiled. However, being the polite gentleman that I am, coupled with the fact that I had had enough to poison an elephant, I continued with the task, hammering away and making a star between the beef flaps with my tongue.

Unfortunately, after two minutes of fervent tongue lashing, my headache had had enough. It consulted with my stomach, and they both agreed that it was time to empty the contents of my stomach via my mouth. A moment later the young lass gasped in horror (promptly followed by much screaming) as she looked down to see her orifice filled and covered with the pasta I had consumed that afternoon.

To be fair she was actually quite attractive, however her minge was the definition of gopping.

tl;dr Eat dinner before a night out on the lash.
 
I was driving the ten miles from my delightful hiring in a beautiful country village with two pubs to work (bless the QM and his 'unaccompanied Majors will not live in the Mess and must have SSSA' policy). About two miles from Camp I spot a young man, short hair, poloshirt, jeans and desiboots. He was running fit to burst and looking at his watch with equal fervour. I pulled up, shouted 'JUMP IN' and got my foot down. I dropped him by the singlies block and went on my way. I saw him a few days later and he confessed that a) he had made morning muster by the skin of his teeth, b) She was a fat munter and c) If I needed her number......
 
I was driving the ten miles from my delightful hiring in a beautiful country village with two pubs to work (bless the QM and his 'unaccompanied Majors will not live in the Mess and must have SSSA' policy). About two miles from Camp I spot a young man, short hair, poloshirt, jeans and desiboots. He was running fit to burst and looking at his watch with equal fervour. I pulled up, shouted 'JUMP IN' and got my foot down. I dropped him by the singlies block and went on my way. I saw him a few days later and he confessed that a) he had made morning muster by the skin of his teeth, b) She was a fat munter and c) If I needed her number......
Shortly after you confessed to drenching his face and well defined peectorals in spunk.
 

ACAB

LE
I can't believe even Gunny couldn't bang it....she MUST have been bad! :wink:
I picked up some horror in Chelsea and was ready to lay it. i bent her over her settee and flicked her skirt up over her waist. Things were going swimmingly until I noticed the shit stains on her white knickers. Exit stage left, el feckin rapido. Fucking minging horror.
 
I picked up some horror in Chelsea and was ready to lay it. i bent her over her settee and flicked her skirt up over her waist. Things were going swimmingly until I noticed the shit stains on her white knickers. Exit stage left, el feckin rapido. ******* minging horror.
Tut tut. That's what curtains are for, wiping your bezzer clean of gentlemen's relish, fanny batter and shit. How could you forget that?
 

Cutaway

LE
Kit Reviewer
I picked up some horror in Chelsea and was ready to lay it. i bent her over her settee and flicked her skirt up over her waist. Things were going swimmingly until I noticed the shit stains on her white knickers. Exit stage left, el feckin rapido. Fucking minging horror.
You'll be sitting down to piss next.
 
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i have simple rules:

If it's over 3 hours drinking no going down on her, no getting my nose near any bits that might smell (pussy, asshole, armpits, under tits etc), wear a condom, use lube and keep your shirt and trousers on. Fuck through the fly and keep your nose well up in the air. Dump your gunge and get out. And give her the RSMs name and if possible his phone number.
 
i have simple rules:

If it's over 3 hours drinking no going down on her, no getting my nose near any bits that might smell (pussy, asshole, armpits, under tits etc), wear a condom, use lube and keep your shirt and trousers on. **** through the fly and keep your nose well up in the air. Dump your gunge and get out. And give her the RSMs name and if possible his phone number.
You patentlyneed to drink fasterif youcanrememberall thatafterthreehours
 
Well, there was this clerk, it was in Kentucky, she didn't like gay people, and well I just couldn't, not even with that final bourbon!
 
Won several Rugby Tour awards for 'the pig of the night'!!

Touring the Black Country was the most memorable; got fobbed off with the ugly one, as usual, while the flanker took her mate; she worked in a pork scratching factory; tasted and smelled like it too!!! Have never had a scratching since!
 
As a Sapper, I can say that I have NEVER turned down a shag. Even from the Stomp or some of Chathams finest. I have very low standards and fail to live up to them.
 

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