shat myself

[butters]

shat myself last night, not going to bore you with too many details but i was at a house party surrounded by beautiful women and being very charming after a crowd pleasing bout of naked pressups, 2 minutes later im on the street with a pair of jeans full of cottage pie and not a clue whats just happened, anyone else swamped in such a devestatingly innapropriate time/place?

 

[The_Snail]

shat myself last night, not going to bore you with too many details but i was at a house party surrounded by beautiful women and being very charming after a crowd pleasing bout of naked pressups, 2 minutes later im on the street with a pair of jeans full of cottage pie and not a clue whats just happened, anyone else swamped in such a devestatingly innapropriate time/place?

There is a difference between swamping and shatting, or did you Grand Slam?

 

[CC_TA]

Where's the pictures you beefer?

 

[The_Snail]

Was it at Newcastle Airport, and were they Calvin Kleins, and did you put them in a Tesco bag?

If so, I saw them today.

 

[jagman]

Was it at Newcastle Airport, and were they Calvin Kleins, and did you put them in a Tesco bag?

If so, I saw them today.

To be fair, I would imagine it happens a lot at Newcastle airport and his may not be the only ones there today.

 

[Taff49]

I was at Newcastle Airport at 6am last wednesday and saw one bloke passed out in the departure lounge and watched another (pissed) lad get himself arrested for being drunk and disorderly. Not bad going as I hadn't even had my first latte of the day at that point.
So I agree, if it was newcastle airport it isn't out of the ordinary behaviour.

Sorry, what was the original question?

 

[Cuddles]

Naked pressups? Is this a euphemism for making the beast with two backs? In front of a crowd? In which case shatting oneself whilst on the job is definitely material for more erm...specialist...web-sites than here.

 

[Onetap]

shat myself last night....... after a crowd pleasing bout of naked pressups, 2 minutes later im on the street with a pair of jeans full of cottage pie and not a clue whats just happened

Someone had a dump in your jeans while you were doing your naked press-ups. Simple.

Diahorrea can be a hereditary disorder, it runs in your jeans.

 

[mortars2cg]

The other day ,after a week of eating fried food,pies ,cider ect(,which is at odds with my normal Med. style diet of pasta,rice ,fish)I was runing for a bus and had a slight follow through,the sad thing was I wasn,t bothered in the slightest.

 

[Cuddles]

The other day ,after a week of eating fried food,pies ,cider ect(,which is at odds with my normal Med. style diet of pasta,rice ,fish)I was runing for a bus and had a slight follow through,the sad thing was I wasn,t bothered in the slightest.

you can take the boy out of the mortar platoon but you can't take the mortar platoon out of the boy! Or not until they've all finished...

 

[Mango_Juice]

Oh Dear!! I've never even been close to physically shitting myself i don't know what everyone's problem is. maybe just my youth and as you get slightly older you become sloppy?(no pun)

 

[maguire]

fired about half a pint of fizzy bum gravy into my grundies one afternoon at work. nipped into the disabled bogs to hose myself down and rinse out the said undercrackers, and returned to find my boss hovering around my desk wondering where I was.
'I think I'd better go home.' says I. 'why?' she asks (proper miserable cow who HATED me btw).
'well...' I responded... 'I've just shat.'
funnily enough she agreed with me after that, so it was ten miles on the bus across manchester back to my place, clenching like I've never clenched before. and I was commando at this point, so there was no safety net between me and shit-filled jeans.

 

[jumpinjarhead]

I must say this thread warrants archiving in the "Best/Worst of NAAFI." It seems some ARRSERs have WAY too much time for contemplation of some of life's little surprises.

 

[llech]

As you get older, never waste a hard on or trust a fart. Or so I've been told!

 

[butters]

As you get older, never waste a hard on or trust a fart. Or so I've been told!

i was only expecting to drop a bit of gas, evidently the 12 cans of carlsberg export i'd consumed had other plans, i was basically inches away from several fresh faced stunners as i did it and all i can think about is the contorted look of abject horror on their faces as we all realised together what had just happened. any respect/rapport i'd built up with the naked pressup fiasco (which i spent the duration of winking at a bird, or so she says) was gone instantly, i tried to make it right by rushing to the toilet to start scooping it out into the sink, but by this point the word had already spread and around 50 of the trendiest youths in manchester were all well aware of my monstrous act.

i'd been expecting to shit myself eventually as my behaviour when drunk was taking an increasingly downward spiral which i thought had reached a head half way through my last lads holiday, when being chased down the strip in nothing but a pair of pint hotpants i accidentally headbutted a scottish girl in the face, sending us both crashing to the ground in a heap. i woke up with lots of angry scotsmen getting ready to fill me in and decided i'd best get out of there, spent the rest of the night hallucinating demons in the hotel room...absinthe is far too cheap in spain.

 

[Pit_Bull]

The morning of Christmas Day 2005 I think it was. I was back at my parents' house and after waking up, I staggered to the loo for the much needed morning piss following a rather good night at the local, drinking copious amounts of a beer I forget the name of. Could've been Doom Bar if anyone knows of it?

Whilst stood mid way through the routine piss, I felt the routine surge from my tum that signified a routine guff was en route. Nothing horrendous I thought, it'll just be a nice relaxed prrrrrrp, nothing more. In fact I thought it would be a SBD, such was my relaxed state and half sleepy mind would have led me to beleive.

What actually happened was a warm, wet torrent of sludge jettisoned itself from my botty into my shorts and down the back of my legs onto the new floor. I guess I could've done a 180 and, although I would've sprayed the bathroom with piss, slap my arse onto the lav to contain the remainder, but no, like a rabbit in headlights, I froze. I tried to contain it using my spare hand but to no avail.

So I spent my Christmas morning cleaning up my accident while my dear old mum scowled at me and giving me the 'serves you right' earache for drinking ale. Thank you Santa for my lovely present.

Never had nor want a public one though.

 

[butters]

Oh Dear!! I've never even been close to physically shitting myself i don't know what everyone's problem is. maybe just my youth and as you get slightly older you become sloppy?(no pun)

mate im only 21, i never thought i'd see the day either. you find things can get out of hand pretty quickly

 

[jumpinjarhead]

I take it from all these incidents that Sphincteroplasty is not on the NHS list.

 

[jimflint]

As you get older, never waste a hard on or trust a fart. Or so I've been told!

Is it possible to get a hard on without shitting yourself when you get old? Just asking.

 

[Cuddles]

There is a terrible awful certainty that grips you when you are drunk, a certainty that your emission will be gaseous and not solid or indeed liquid. It lasts right up to the first twitch of the palsied sphincter and the bubbly "John the Baptist" moment, presaging a full evacuation.

Evolution has played some rotten tricks on mankind - from the external and vulnerably mounted male genitalia to the female phenomenon of the fanny-fart...