SHARTREP

I gambled and lost while lay in my pit about 6 months ago resulting in a poor attempt at a dirty protest.
My Mrs, who was next to me, was less than impressed. Luckily for her my ricker was facing
the other way.
Having a shower & changing the bed sheets at 2am isn’t much fun, especially when I’m getting a bollocking at the same time.

We don’t mention it.
 
After the event:
Twas the day after boxing day, a cold grey light coming through the curtains at early o clock. Why did I awake so early? Wasafuckingtime? Ahh wait, a stirring down below. Urgency, sphincter clamped shut. Roll out of bed accompanied by the sound of a very wet fart. Scurry to the bathroom surrounded by a miasma of stench. Reach the porcelain and let go. Not so much a flock of sparrows but a flock of fucking geese. On and on and just when Its certain that there could be no more to come, more came. Dehydration setting in. Towel clamped between legs, survey the scene in the bedroom. A stinking brown watery trail leads to the bed Inspection reveals no shit in the bed. Winner! Start clearing up. Phone rings. Missile at XXXXX. ATGM. Attend immediately. Stirring in stomach. Arrse clenched tight. Grab bottle of water from fridge. Sit on crapper. Let go more gravy. Drink water. No more than a few seconds before water exits, still cold. Attend missile with towel clamped between legs. Bodyguard sniggering. Another day, another dollar.
 
Last edited:
Shartrep. 19.01.2020. 07.20hrs

Led in bed 0A cuddled up to me.
Raise arse cheek to fart. Very quickly realise that it ain't no fart. Portcullis closes faster than a fast thing, detaining the chocolate gladiator.

Leap out of bed with the speed of a thousand startled Gazelles, tread on the dogs head as I exit the bedroom and turn hard right for the sanctuary of the bog.

I can see a single drop of brown matter on one of the tiles. 0A is blissfully unaware of the situation as I can hear her snoring.
 
Had the fish on Ethiopian on the way home a couple of weeks ago (yeah, I know - self inficted). Hit the ground 4am, got home, cleaned up and off to the brewery for a pint. Some rumbling in the guts, but nothing untoward.

Bit of a feed, couple of jars, and on the way home the rumbling kicked off in earnest. On the freeway so nowhere to stop and offload the chocolate fountain. Sat there with arse clenched and beads of sweat beginning to run down my face while the degs in the back cowered away from the low frequency roar my guts were now producing.

Eventually the pressure became too much and the safety valve gave way. Drove the last 20 miles home sat in a pool of foetid arse gravy which made even the furmonsters' eyes water.

Clocked in at the house, into the shower and got myself cleaned up.

The degs are still fascinated by the driver's seat where a faint stain remains, despite my best efforts to scrub it out. Time for a full valet of the chariot, one thunks.
 
As you get older SHARTing is a way of life, if you don’t eat and drink anything that affects your bowels, your diet would consist of lettuce and water and even lettuce can induce jippy tum after prolonged exposure!
you might as well face it, over 50, you is gonna shart a lot!
 
Yesterday

In hozzy due to small bowel blockage since Friday. 1430, felt blockage clear, stoma bag filled.

1530, need to change stoma bag, stop half-way for piss.

While pissing, stoma farts, followed by explosive, projectile eruption of liquid shart for about 4 seconds, enough to cover the toilet and surrounding walls, floor and waste bin.

Innards now appear to be working, then.

The nice nurse cleaned it all up for me, although I spotted a shit remnant on the grout this morning and was obliged to ditch my slippers when I got home, as one had gotten a mild spatterin'.
 
You dorrty cunt!

I hope you rubbed some in her hair to assert your dominance.
 
As you get older SHARTing is a way of life, if you don’t eat and drink anything that affects your bowels, your diet would consist of lettuce and water and even lettuce can induce jippy tum after prolonged exposure!
you might as well face it, over 50, you is gonna shart a lot!
Jeebus

I feel like I am missing out on something :D :D
 
Jeebus

I feel like I am missing out on something :D :D
If you’re not Sharting on a regular basis you is definitely missing out. Nothing compares to forgetting you’re not 21 again and the an@l ring retention of Hercules, farting like a 21 hand dray horse, only to discover that the once tight sphincter has failed to retain anything and you have laid down the log in ya undercrackers!
 

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