Shagging short blokes

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Schermuly, Dec 3, 2012.

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  1. Saturday night, post bewitching hour and I’m done dancing (those Madonna moves sans excessive yoga practice are a killer). Pint in hand, I’m having a quiet smoke in the courtyard outside the club, while various hopeful sharks circle and try to engage in conversation. I do a bit of banter, but frankly I’m freezing my non-existent knackers off in my LBD and am thoroughly unimpressed with the ‘talent’ on offer. No big deal – I’m looking forward to going back to a warm house, a good chow and a couple of nightcaps while cranking up my favourite tunes through headphones.

    I finish my pint, nod a goodnight to the friendly doorman and set off home with a purposeful stride. Less than 20 metres down the road, a stray puppy is nipping at my heels, looking at me with soulful eyes and asking to be taken home. It’s the short/slight bloke from the courtyard who’s obviously ditched his drink and followed me. I have zero interest in him – he’s sweet in a very clean-cut/square kind of way, but the biggest problem is that he’s quite a bit shorter than me. I’m only 5’6”, so fuck knows how vertically-challenged he must be. He’s also got a rather nasal, fluting voice which makes my ears cringe (and to anyone more judgemental than myself would earmark him as a raving queen). He is a million miles away from my usual tall, cool, bad-boy type.

    Yet there he is, trotting along beside me as I head home. I try to shoo him away, but he’s not so easily deterred. I have to admit to being a bit fascinated by his tenacity. He’s got the quiet confidence of a runty dingo eyeing up the lioness of the pride and going, ‘Yeah – I can take you. Watch and learn, boys.’

    I’ve been on the toot since midday, having been to a wedding reception in the afternoon and a semi-pub-crawl since early evening. I’m well-oiled, but fine, and my ‘Boom-fuelled brain tells me ‘Don’t read him the riot act and cause a disturbance on a late-night street. If he wants to follow you home, he can do so at his own risk – and you can always chuck him out shortly if he’s boring. Probably with one hand’.

    Thus he ends up back at my gaff. I hit the scotch and he wimps out with a strong Italian coffee. Yet he is engagingly charming. One thing leads to another and against my better judgement, I take him upstairs. What a revelation. He’s not only accomplished, enthusiastic and competent - the little runt is insatiable. My standby packet of johnnies gets rapidly depleted and in the morning, his parting shot is a facial, which I thoroughly enjoy, despite the first salvo hitting the right eye. (Forgive the typos; I’ve currently got monoscopic vision :))

    So what is it with short guys? Do they go out of their way to become accomplished lovers as some kind of compensation for their lack of physical stature? I’ve only ever entertained a bloke shorter than me once before – a few years ago, myself and this charming (but extremely short) Oirishman were the only 2 left standing at the end of the night, and one thing led to another, and he was awesome. He’s also the only bloke I have ever seen open a foil packet and perfectly fit a condom with one hand only. Bloody Catholics. Impressive, nevertheless!

    Any short-arses on here got tales of pulling taller birds? Not that you’d admit to being short. Or ‘normal’ height blokes who’ve pulled Amazons? Do tell.
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  2. udipur

    udipur LE Book Reviewer

    What's it like to have a bloke go up on you?
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  3. No charge.
    • Like Like x 1
  4. Fair do's.


    (short span of attention)
  5. hand of god indeed :)
  6. Perhaps you should try a dwarf, using your calculations, they will go off like a rocket.
  7. Good grief, is this the Fiesta letters page?
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  8. Had to look that up.
    Are you short/gay by any chance?
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  9. Or midgets monthly.
  10. Jezus wept, please not.
    Severely stunted stunts on a more regular basis might stretch even my tolerance :)
  11. POIDH!
  12. Will you be playing Snow White in this years panto?

    At the after show Bukkakae party, you facial will leave you resembling a night cream advert.
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  13. It's worrying enough that you are even cognisant about night cream, NS.

    If you can type/spell it right, bukkake is probably highly under-rated :)
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  14. Short blokes get overlooked so don't get it as much - much more grateful. You should try an ugly short bloke we're, er, I mean they're even more grateful!
  15. I stopped reading when you mentioned you drink pints.
    • Like Like x 6