Sh1t Stories

Is it just me or when squaddies get together and have a few drinks the topic always turns to sh1t? I find this always seems to be the case and Mrs P_L often tells me off. So I thought the NAAFI bar on ARRSE would be a good place to share some of the more funnier poo incidents I have experienced without offending anybody.

I was exercise at Beckingham as a cadet a long time ago. We were loctaed in one of the farms and had been up for a good few hours so all the rest of the cadets got their heads down whilst my brother, a mate who is now a Sgt in 1 R Anglian and I stagged on. We were just chatting away when one of the younger cadets came up to us and asked where he should go for a dump. I was just about to suggest he went on the other side of the hedge when my mate pointed to a metal skip that was half full of scrap and said go in there. Fair play to the cadet, he wandered over, climbed in and started to have a cr@p. My brother then though it would be funny to shout "get out of there, the OC is coming!" This poor cadet was trying to wipe his arse, pull up his combats, put on his webbing and rifle and climb out of the skip all at the same time. We later became very good mates with the cadet, Alex, I'm sorry but it was so funny at the time.

Before I joined the Army I worked for my Dad as an apprentice thatcher. We were doing a house in Duxford which was owned by two very prim and proper old ladies. These two ladies owned two spaniels, one of whom was called Digby. We had been working at this place for a few days when John,(one of the guys I worked with) got the urge. Rather than go in the house he decided to go surface laying behind some rather tall plants. John was mid way through Digby wanders over and starts barking. John shooes the dog away and finishes off. He was walking away and turning round he sees Digby eating his freshly laid turd. John ran round the front of the house to tell us. We had only just stopped laughing when out comes one of the old women with cups of tea for us. We were chatting when round wanders Digby, complete with big winnets of John's turd on his whiskers. The lady squatted down and Digby started licking her face! We were trying so hard not to crease up, especially when she said "urgh, Digby! You don't half smell, have you been rolling in something?"

Whilst in Kosovo in 2000 one of the guys called Ritchier got absolutly wrecked on the local grog. He was put to bed in his Corrimec whilst the rest of us went back to the bar. Half an hour later Kev came back to see how Ritchie was getting along and had his camcorder with him. He opened up the door and was shocked. Ritchie had grandslammed in a big way! There was cr@p on the ceiling, the walls, the radiator, on his books etc. Ritchie must have had a sprinkler on his hoop! There was puke on his bed and a nce puddle of p155 too. Kev was filming this in absolute shock when Ritchie appeared from the shower. Kev started asking him what had happened etc. Ritchie was answering then decided to take his towel off and throw it over the worst of the sh1t. He was stood in the corridor starkers talking with Kev. It was a bit cold so every so often he would slap his knob to stop it shrivelling up! The footage made awesome viewing in the Sqn bar!

A few years later I was on exercise in Sennybridge. We were acting as OPFOR for our our Regt infantry exercise. My fire team was tasked to occupy a position by ourselves for a while then the rest of the section would turn up. We moved into the location and set up. I needed a Richard but there was not a Tardis to be seen. I wandered off down into a small, nearby valley as it was the nearest dead ground. At the bottom of the valley there was a stream with stepping stones going through it. For some reason I thought it would be funny to cr@p on one of the stones. This set a trend for the rest of my fireteam and the section when they turned up. When we finally got attacked the troop attacking came from the valley side and had to wade through the stream because of the turd landmines on the stepping stones!

Another OPFOR exercise Sean and I were at Caerwent as part of 12 Mech Bde OPTAG confirmatory exercise. We were in one building and on a radio signal from the DS we had to open up on a search op. We had been in the building for about half an hour and the op had started. Sean started going on about how he needed to have a dump but we couldn't leave the building. In the end I went into another room whilst he made a deposit. After a couple of minutes he called me back in. I have never seen a turd so big. We had to take a photo to prove how much of a monster this thing was. We put some old 5.56mm blanks beside it. It was 5 rounds long and a round wide. Sean must have been reamed by Winston for his hoop to stretch that much. We then got the signal to open up. When the guys came to clear the building they cried out in disgust when they saw The Beast"! Each day we were in there Sean tried to beat it but never managed to produce a bigger turd than the one on the first day.

Feel free to share your poo stories here.


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You don't half talk a load of sh!t P-L :D

Some fine examples of squaddie life there.
PL, have you been at 33?
When we left the Wool factory, Pristina, early 2001 I robbed a large jar of pickled onions from the scoff house under the cover of darkness......took it out to the Foden, and took a dump in it whilst the Rechy Mechs took photos, and laughed.

I then put said jar of pickled onions back where they came from, but right at the back :)

Whilst in Paderborn R Law and myself are returning to Alanbrooke Bks in the typical cream Mercedes taxi. R needs a piss, I need a cr@p. I say to Law that if he lags himself, I'll cr@p myself. Deal! Law lags, and I cr@p myslef in the taxi (crapping yourself whilst sat down requires more thought than you'd think!). The taxi driver opens all windows, as we're giggling like school kids. We pay,. get out and waddle up to the g'room to sign in. Back to block where I undress in the shower. Job done.
Not army, but worth the telling. Once in mid-Wales, staggering across a village pub car park with a couple of mates after a particularly strenuous night on the lash, one pal goes bowling through a hedge. Only trouble was, there was an open cesspit on the other side. Seeing his head emerging in the moonlight a la Apocalypse Now with a turd balanced on top was just too much!!! Needless to say he had a long walk home alone!!!
I had a shit once.

Then he got promoted and I got a new boss.

Oh happy day.

(Edited once for mongtype)
In Kenya, at Nanyuki with the Duke of Wellington's Regt the thunderboxes were a row of about twenty traps in a row of ten back to back. They covered an enormous pit which had been dug by the RE's. The pit was a good 10' deep and about 15' by 30'. The traps were all fixed together to form a sort of hut which was then lowered so that it covered the pit.
The regiment had just come back from Belize where they had contracted gastro-enteritis almost on masse due to over consumption of stims. Very quickly the latrine pit began to fill up so the tankers were called to come and pump some of the effluence out and take it away. The crane lifted the 'hut' off the pit ready to put the suction tubes in the (about 5' deep) mire. During the course of lifting the traps off the pit the chief 'wallah' managed to fall into the pit severely damaging his ankle. So there was this chief wallah screaming his head off and up to his neck in diarrhoea and p1ss and everyone else running round like headless chickens yelling medic. As I approached the RQMS shouted. "Quick, jump in there and help him he's broken his leg." Now this is Kenya, on the equator, and it's hotter than a vidaloo made by a chef with a grudge. The stench was bad enough from 30 yards upwind let alone jumping in the swamp. I stifled the retort of 'if you can diagnose a broken leg when the blokes stood in 5' of liquid shit then you're a better medic than I am, you jump in.' However just then a member of the AAC from the field next door came along and they said they'd winch him out and set him down beside the road so that a civvi ambulance could come and collect him. He was duly winched out and taken to hospital where they laid him on the ground and washed him off before they'd let him anywhere near treatment.
I am forever in the debt of the AAC because there is no way I was going to take a leap into the shit for anyone.
I have heard of walnut whips turning up on mess chesterfields on more than one occasion, in different messes too.

(not guilty btw)
I remember being on an exercise up in Scotland. There was 2 thunderboxes for about 150 blokes.
It got to the point where you couldnt physically sit down on the plastic throne, as the sh*t was piled so high. While waiting for the chaps to come along and empty the things, One of the blokes decided that he was going to go snap a log off, so promptly nipped into the bushes. Just as he was dropping the kids off, somebody thought it would be a 'fun' idea to lob a training grenade towards his loc. The thing landed right next to said cr*pping soldier. The poor bloke fell backwards into his recently laid turd.
While all this was going on, i looked on in horror as some poor sod was dressed up in 3R, with a shovel and black bag. 'Where the fcuk is he going?' was asked by a few people, as this bloke disapeared into one of the traps. When he emerged, wretching, with a half full black bag, we all understood.

Reminds me of another story when i arrived at my first regiment.
Two of the blokes had gone back and gone 2's up on a 50 year old bird. Good drills, considering they were about 21 at the time. So anyway, this classy lady is getting a spit roasting, done up the arrse by 'D' while 'K' was getting a nice toothless one. D has been going like the clappers and this birds arrse is like a blood orange. D pulls out, and the old bint shat herself! Theres crap all over the bed, and this whore is disgusted, and sods off to clean up. K decided that the floor is the best place for him, while D is so leathered he decided to just man up and falls asleep.
When they came into work, just in time for knock on, we were all stood in the corridor.
'Whos dropped their guts, thats f*cking rank!'
All eyes fell on D, who denied it. It was only when he turned round, and we all clocked the turd stuck to the back of his head. The grotty git hadnt had a shower out of fear of being late for work, and so had been rolling round in this birds muck all night, to leg it into work.

There was also a phantom sh***er in the block. Was funny, until the OC saw one of the said turds in the light fixtures, on his block inspection. The c*nt had pulled the plastic fittings down, shat in it, and then put it back up. Why, ill never know.
Buller Bks in the Shot the holding Sqn was always packed which meant that there was never any bog roll left in the traps once we'd had an inspection. it got so bad you would have to use bits of newspaper to wipe your ring after a shite. Now the only problem was newspaper doesn't flush very well. and after a few lads had been through you soon had a stack higher than a holding pattern waiting to come into Heathrow. the turds at the top were almost flowing out the bog. Thankfully always managed to avoid that block job! It got so bad in the end some dirty cnut took a dump on the shower steps and someone else ended walking through it nice foot print it

Then there's this one when I followed through on a scooter rally

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