Is it just me or when squaddies get together and have a few drinks the topic always turns to sh1t? I find this always seems to be the case and Mrs P_L often tells me off. So I thought the NAAFI bar on ARRSE would be a good place to share some of the more funnier poo incidents I have experienced without offending anybody. I was exercise at Beckingham as a cadet a long time ago. We were loctaed in one of the farms and had been up for a good few hours so all the rest of the cadets got their heads down whilst my brother, a mate who is now a Sgt in 1 R Anglian and I stagged on. We were just chatting away when one of the younger cadets came up to us and asked where he should go for a dump. I was just about to suggest he went on the other side of the hedge when my mate pointed to a metal skip that was half full of scrap and said go in there. Fair play to the cadet, he wandered over, climbed in and started to have a cr@p. My brother then though it would be funny to shout "get out of there, the OC is coming!" This poor cadet was trying to wipe his arse, pull up his combats, put on his webbing and rifle and climb out of the skip all at the same time. We later became very good mates with the cadet, Alex, I'm sorry but it was so funny at the time. Before I joined the Army I worked for my Dad as an apprentice thatcher. We were doing a house in Duxford which was owned by two very prim and proper old ladies. These two ladies owned two spaniels, one of whom was called Digby. We had been working at this place for a few days when John,(one of the guys I worked with) got the urge. Rather than go in the house he decided to go surface laying behind some rather tall plants. John was mid way through Digby wanders over and starts barking. John shooes the dog away and finishes off. He was walking away and turning round he sees Digby eating his freshly laid turd. John ran round the front of the house to tell us. We had only just stopped laughing when out comes one of the old women with cups of tea for us. We were chatting when round wanders Digby, complete with big winnets of John's turd on his whiskers. The lady squatted down and Digby started licking her face! We were trying so hard not to crease up, especially when she said "urgh, Digby! You don't half smell, have you been rolling in something?" Whilst in Kosovo in 2000 one of the guys called Ritchier got absolutly wrecked on the local grog. He was put to bed in his Corrimec whilst the rest of us went back to the bar. Half an hour later Kev came back to see how Ritchie was getting along and had his camcorder with him. He opened up the door and was shocked. Ritchie had grandslammed in a big way! There was cr@p on the ceiling, the walls, the radiator, on his books etc. Ritchie must have had a sprinkler on his hoop! There was puke on his bed and a nce puddle of p155 too. Kev was filming this in absolute shock when Ritchie appeared from the shower. Kev started asking him what had happened etc. Ritchie was answering then decided to take his towel off and throw it over the worst of the sh1t. He was stood in the corridor starkers talking with Kev. It was a bit cold so every so often he would slap his knob to stop it shrivelling up! The footage made awesome viewing in the Sqn bar! A few years later I was on exercise in Sennybridge. We were acting as OPFOR for our our Regt infantry exercise. My fire team was tasked to occupy a position by ourselves for a while then the rest of the section would turn up. We moved into the location and set up. I needed a Richard but there was not a Tardis to be seen. I wandered off down into a small, nearby valley as it was the nearest dead ground. At the bottom of the valley there was a stream with stepping stones going through it. For some reason I thought it would be funny to cr@p on one of the stones. This set a trend for the rest of my fireteam and the section when they turned up. When we finally got attacked the troop attacking came from the valley side and had to wade through the stream because of the turd landmines on the stepping stones! Another OPFOR exercise Sean and I were at Caerwent as part of 12 Mech Bde OPTAG confirmatory exercise. We were in one building and on a radio signal from the DS we had to open up on a search op. We had been in the building for about half an hour and the op had started. Sean started going on about how he needed to have a dump but we couldn't leave the building. In the end I went into another room whilst he made a deposit. After a couple of minutes he called me back in. I have never seen a turd so big. We had to take a photo to prove how much of a monster this thing was. We put some old 5.56mm blanks beside it. It was 5 rounds long and a round wide. Sean must have been reamed by Winston for his hoop to stretch that much. We then got the signal to open up. When the guys came to clear the building they cried out in disgust when they saw The Beast"! Each day we were in there Sean tried to beat it but never managed to produce a bigger turd than the one on the first day. Feel free to share your poo stories here.