Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by convoy_cock, Nov 8, 2004.

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  1. Reading STAB in the darks frank and brave comments about dyslexia, gave me the nerve to come forward about the condition I suffer from.

    I am a Sh-itabetic. :oops:

    I'm not proud of it, but maybe bringing it out in public will help me to eliminate the feelings of inadequacy and loneliness that a poo problem can generate.

    For those of you unfamiliar with the condition, i've took the liberty of posting up a description of it from a prestigious medical dictionary.


    A person who suffers from unpredictable bowel movements, forcing them to rigidly plan their daily life. Close proximity to the nearest toilet by time or distance is an absolute necessity, if shat pants are to be avoided.
    The sh-itabetic lives in constant fear of pappering his kecks. The condition is on the increase in the UK and has led to a marked downturn in the sale of light coloured trousers for men. Sufferers are conspicuous by their unusual gait, known as the 'sour apple quick step.' The continued worry generated by the condition can lead to the more serious Irritable Arrse Syndrome, which is almost untreatable, without a peg on your nose and the windows open.

    Come on, hands up.
  2. Is this a recognised cure ? - or can a cork be used when in polite company?
  3. The hands up method is routinely unsuccessful unless you're the 'Man from Atlantis,'
  4. I imagine that about 50% of immodium's annual production goes into my Dad's coffee over the course of the year just to make sure he can make the 1hr journey to the office without needing to carry a shovel and a packet of kleenex in the boot of his car.
  5. God bless Immodium.

    When I did the Great North Run, for some reason I thought that good prep the night before, was 6 Guinness and a kebab. I was petrified that I was going to poo myself for the entire circuit. I was particularly worried about straining on the uphill sections. I had three 'BFT sh*ts' before we got down to the start. I then did nearly a whole pack of those turd-eliminating-blighters which left me tight as a drum for the duration. The next time I had a cacky was 5 days later and it was the same colour as a Doctor Who ice lolly.

    I think the only solution in the long term is to make contact with an unscrupulous plastic surgeon and ask him to replace my sphincter with the drawcord on an NBC hood. :)
  6. ugly

    ugly LE Moderator

    I remember blagging some lomitol from the med centre for a OP in NI. It stopped a runaway train and Naafi burger squirtz
  7. PMSL :lol:

    ahhhh yes indeed god bless kaolin, kaopectate, lomotil, immodium and gastro-stop the five food groups for the sh-itabetic
    cannot begin to tell you how often that stuff needs to be reordered. all too frequent conversation...
    "yes sir the entire supply. no sir i don't know how. no sir i don't know who. yes sir we already put it in the restricted access cabinet."

    ...then again i have access to the keys :wink:

    always pays to be friendly with nurses :D
  8. convoy!!
    i think i have found an earlysymptons case of Sh-itabtes or even worse.. last night at 22.00 hrs i was summoned to the hospital by daughter with ..Dad ..he has used up all his nappies can you get some more.

    some more nappies!!! f#####ing #### they cost money etc blah,blah blah
    so off i go and purchase said nappies..then up to maternity i entered her room i was greeted with a most unmedical sweet and sour, curdled, pukey type smell..."WTf!!! is that smell "it's him says daughter pointing to the Klingon in the cage next to her..i look over at said grandson.. who with a big sort of grimacy smile is asleep dreaming of valhalla i think.. is also wrapped in what looks like a blanket G.S. they not got proper blankets? says I..yeh loads but he has puked, and crapped like he had a whale's blow hole instead of an arrse.. they are all down the laundry she says....he has also used all those nappies in 48 hours..that is approx 1 an hour i say!!! look not my fault says she..think it was something to do with you showing him that skiffing thread on arrse hospital pc night he was born(ok i did get a bollocking for that from ward staff :lol:

    ..he tries to stick his hand in his arrse or play with his nuts!!!every time his nappie is released, they dont want him in the baby room cos he makes all the other babies cry..and their mothers faint cos of the smell..right on cue junior-junior lets something rip that what sounded to me was an old lightening jet taking off with afterburners on :wink: followed by approximately 10 seconds later by this fine vapour..creeping over the top and slithering round the then crept up all the way to my nose...

    OMFG! it was hideous..i can only describe it from a far distant was like a month old rotten animal carcass you find after 30 days in the sun..or worse.....i felt sick my body retracted on its self searching for a safe haven.

    daughter says it happens after every feed and lasts til his next one!!!! no wonder he has ridges on his forehead..

    i am so proud :lol: