Sexist Jokes

#3
Blokes.......

they're generally deemed to be sexist and jokes :D
 
#5
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
 
#6
What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?


nothing, you've already told her twice
 
#8
What do you give the girl who has everything? - Penicillin
 
#11
What did the blind woman with one leg and syphilis get for Christmas?

























Cancer. The whore.
 
#13
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the refrigerator and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the refrigerator.
 
#14
The meaning of WIFE.....

Washing
Ironing
F*cking
Eating

Not my definition........someone told me it!!
 
#16
Why is a Christmas tree better than a man?

It's always erect

Stays up for 12 days and nights

Has cute balls

And it looks good with the lights on.



How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!



What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

How is a woman like a condom?
Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your d1ck.
 
#17
Why do women have short feet?
So they can stand closer to the stove.

Why dont women have a penis?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant.

Why did the woman cross the road?
Never mind that, what the fuck is she doing out of the kitchen?

Why is the part of a woman between her hips and her breasts called a waist?
Because they could have easily fitted in another pair of tits there.
How many people does it take to write a sexist joke?
Two. The man to dictate it, and the woman to fecking type it.

What do you do when your dishwasher breaks?
You hit her.

Wanna hear a funny joke?
Women's rights.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, let the bitch cook in the dark!

Remember those 15 soldiers captured for straying into Iranian waters who then sold their story?
14 men, 1 woman.
Doesn't take a genius to work out who was reading the fucking map does it?

Why do women live longer than men?
Because God adds them the time that they wasted on parking.

How can you tell if it's your turn to do the washing up?
Look down your trousers and if you've got a cock then it's not your turn.
 
#20
One for the ladies (if there are any ladies on arrse)

Dear friends,

It's important for us men to remember that, as women grow older, it
becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as
when they were younger. When you begin to notice this, try not to yell
at them.

Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive
woman.

Let me tell you how I handled the situation with my wife, Amy.

When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Amy to get a
full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and
for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started
working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to
rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner.

I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake
me when she gets dinner on the table.

I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is
not a practicable alternative.

Besides, I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's
not unusual for the dishes to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can, by diplomatically reminding her several times each
evening that 'they won't clean themselves.' I know she really
appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done
before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging, I think, is complaining. For example, she'll
say that it's difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills
during her lunch hour.

But, boys... we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer
encouragement.

I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she
won't have to rush so much.

I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't
hurt her (if you know what I mean).

I like to think tact is one of my stronger points.

And when doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.

For instance, she had to take a break when she was only half-finished
mowing the yard.

I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a
nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for awhile.

And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one
for me.

I know, I know..... I probably look like a saint by the way I support Amy.

I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men
will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. Nobody knows
better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However guys, even if you just start using a little more tact and a
little less criticism of your aging wife due to this article, I'll
consider that by writing it, it was well worthwhile. After all, we are
put on this earth to help each other. Good luck.

Signed,
Bill

EDITOR'S NOTE:

Bill died suddenly on April 15 of a perforated rectum.

The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch
Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5
inches of grip left showing, and a sledgehammer laying nearby.

His wife Amy was arrested and charged with murder.

The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty.

They accepted her defense that Bill, somehow, without looking,
accidentally sat down on his golf club.
 
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