• ARRSE have partnered with Armadillo Merino to bring you an ARRSE exclusive, generous discount offer on their full price range.
    To keep you warm with the best of Merino gear, visit www.armadillomerino.co.uk and use the code: NEWARRSE40 at the checkout to get 40% off!
    This superb deal has been generously offered to us by Armadillo Merino and is valid until midnight on the the 28th of February.

severed head quiz

#1
During mediaeval sieges, the attackers had the sporting habit of using their siege engines to fire prisoners' heads into the fortresses, just to wind up the defenders. Stylish, eh?

QUIZ

1-You are a defender and you have just been knocked flat by your Mum's head. What do you do?

2-What are the ballistic properties of the average head?

3-Name at least three individuals (except me) or groups (past, present or future) who deserve to be used as ammunition, targets, or both.

4-Why has this practise been allowed to fall into disuse?

5-Whose head would have the greatest effect on a fortress?

6-What improvements can you suggest? Examples include volley fire, incendiary ammunition, counter-battery fire etc.

7-Whose head would you most/least like to be hit by?

8-Give at least three examples of potential commercial opportunities.

9- Suggest possible categories for inter-Service competitions-rate of fire, accuracy, range etc.

10-What am I wearing underneath? :wink:
 
#2
puzzledgrunt said:
During mediaeval sieges, the attackers had the sporting habit of using their siege engines to fire prisoners' heads into the fortresses, just to wind up the defenders. Stylish, eh?

QUIZ

1-You are a defender and you have just been knocked flat by your Mum's head. What do you do?

2-What are the ballistic properties of the average head?

3-Name at least three individuals (except me) or groups (past, present or future) who deserve to be used as ammunition, targets, or both.

4-Why has this practise been allowed to fall into disuse?

5-Whose head would have the greatest effect on a fortress?

6-What improvements can you suggest? Examples include volley fire, incendiary ammunition, counter-battery fire etc.

7-Whose head would you most/least like to be hit by?

8-Give at least three examples of potential commercial opportunities.

9- Suggest possible categories for inter-Service competitions-rate of fire, accuracy, range etc.

10-What am I wearing underneath? :wink:
1: Say "Ouch"

2: Average head? Womens' heads would probably be more accurate over longer distances due to the longer hair (shuttlecock effect).

3: I'll come back to that one later.

4: I've no idea, perhaps due to the fact that most heads are neither explosive nor armour piercing.

5: Leonardo Di Caprio's

I'll answer the rest later......perhaps.
 
#3
1. get a bit miffed she still owes me a fiver
2. better than a brick
3. The french, the welsh and the labour party
4. pantywaist noncey faggots think it's cruel
5. gordon browns as his head is full of shit
6. set light to every fifth head and use to adjust fire
7. I'd like to be hit by joanna lumleys head, then I could skull fuck her, least like to be hit by cherie blairs head
8. headopoly, tiddlyheads and maim that head in one
9. falling heads, trap shooting and bayonet practice.
10. fuck knows.
 
#4
1-You are a defender and you have just been knocked flat by your Mum's head. What do you do?

it wouldnt happen. My mum would distract you with idle conversation and take your head.

2-What are the ballistic properties of the average head?

not as good as you would imagine

3-Name at least three individuals (except me) or groups (past, present or future) who deserve to be used as ammunition, targets, or both.

jade goody, jade goodys family, anyone who has ever met jade goody

4-Why has this practise been allowed to fall into disuse?

damn liberals and muslims.

5-Whose head would have the greatest effect on a fortress?

wayne rooney due to shear size

6-What improvements can you suggest? Examples include volley fire, incendiary ammunition, counter-battery fire etc.

instead if heads, use bullets.

7-Whose head would you most/least like to be hit by?

most like to be hit by any of the birds from holyoaks. Least like to be hit by any of the men from holyoaks

8-Give at least three examples of potential commercial opportunities.

headproof vests
genuine SAS PARA anti head smocks ala waltbay
an open ended, cost plus reconstruction contract.

9- Suggest possible categories for inter-Service competitions-rate of fire, accuracy, range etc.

dodgehead.
comedy ventriliquism

10-What am I wearing underneath?

that dull nagging feeling that you've wasted your life on this site?
 
#7
puzzledgrunt said:
During mediaeval sieges, the attackers had the sporting habit of using their siege engines to fire prisoners' heads into the fortresses, just to wind up the defenders. Stylish, eh?

QUIZ

1-You are a defender and you have just been knocked flat by your Mum's head. What do you do?

Wouldn't be the first time, I was a stroppy bugger as a lad.


2-What are the ballistic properties of the average head?

Only one way to find out. Extensive field trials involving the population of Liverpool.

3-Name at least three individuals (except me) or groups (past, present or future) who deserve to be used as ammunition, targets, or both.

Parliament, the idiot who though the Police should be a 'Service' and anyone who drives a Vauxhall Astra.

4-Why has this practise been allowed to fall into disuse?

The lefty-treehuggers/New Labour/the EU/those penguins that whisper to me in my sleep.

5-Whose head would have the greatest effect on a fortress?

The bloke who could think how to capture it intact without a fight? Incidentally, is a fortress a female fort?

6-What improvements can you suggest? Examples include volley fire, incendiary ammunition, counter-battery fire etc.

Definitely incendiary. There's just something about the idea of setting Des Browne's head alight that I like.

7-Whose head would you most/least like to be hit by?

I would most like to be hit by the head of Victoria Beckham. That way I'll know for sure that a) she's dead and b) her IQ has just gone up.

8-Give at least three examples of potential commercial opportunities.

Advertising. Fire the head over a crowd trailing a banner with the name of the product on. And there's also corporate sponsorship. I dare say executive recruitment agancies would pay to have their 'headhunting' activities linked. And we could use it to give a badly needed boost to the British engineering sector. All those trebuchets and catapults have to come from somewhere, we could be a world leader in the field.

9- Suggest possible categories for inter-Service competitions-rate of fire, accuracy, range etc.

Falling plates would be a laugh. Not for the butt party, obviously. We could also have a Roupelle, only the severed heads wear the Resies.

10-What am I wearing underneath? :wink:

A sensuous silk camisole with matching knickers. That's what I'd wear in your position.
 
#8
puzzledgrunt said:
During mediaeval sieges, the attackers had the sporting habit of using their siege engines to fire prisoners' heads into the fortresses, just to wind up the defenders. Stylish, eh?

QUIZ

1-You are a defender and you have just been knocked flat by your Mum's head. What do you do?
A, have a game of footie

2-What are the ballistic properties of the average head?
A, fuk knows :?

3-Name at least three individuals (except me) or groups (past, present or future) who deserve to be used as ammunition, targets, or both.
A, the French, Liverpool supporters and lawyers

4-Why has this practise been allowed to fall into disuse?
A, bloody do-gooders

5-Whose head would have the greatest effect on a fortress?
A, Bruce Willis and Debbie Moores daughter

6-What improvements can you suggest? Examples include volley fire, incendiary ammunition, counter-battery fire etc.
A, I Agree with arby on this one

7-Whose head would you most/least like to be hit by?
A, most, any of the female cast of csi,miami, ny. Least Gordon Brown

8-Give at least three examples of potential commercial opportunities.
A,no idea

9- Suggest possible categories for inter-Service competitions-rate of fire, accuracy, range etc.
A, head hockey

10-What am I wearing underneath? :wink:
A, ladies underwear

Gives a whole new meaning to giving head don't it :D
 
#9
QUIZ

1-You are a defender and you have just been knocked flat by your Mum's head. What do you do?
Chuck it back!

2-What are the ballistic properties of the average head?
My mum would go absolutely ballistic if her head thrown.

3-Name at least three individuals (except me) or groups (past, present or future) who deserve to be used as ammunition, targets, or both.
Brown, Blair, next door neighbour (how many Christmas lights does one house need for God's sake!)

4-Why has this practise been allowed to fall into disuse?
Elf and safety gone mad again

5-Whose head would have the greatest effect on a fortress?
Elephant man's

6-What improvements can you suggest? Examples include volley fire, incendiary ammunition, counter-battery fire etc.
Use of the whole body, not just the head

7-Whose head would you most/least like to be hit by?
Blonde, bound to be lighter

8-Give at least three examples of potential commercial opportunities.
'I'm a celebrity head, fire me out of there'
Kiss me quick hats
Footballs for England squad. Slower thus allowing them the chance to actually kick it.


9- Suggest possible categories for inter-Service competitions-rate of fire, accuracy, range etc.
I'm with arby on this one... ventriliquism

10-What am I wearing underneath? Wink
What ever it is, my mum would like it back please!
 

Biped

LE
Book Reviewer
#10
puzzledgrunt said:
During mediaeval sieges, the attackers had the sporting habit of using their siege engines to fire prisoners' heads into the fortresses, just to wind up the defenders. Stylish, eh?

QUIZ

1-You are a defender and you have just been knocked flat by your Mum's head. What do you do?
Place it on the wall next to me so she can see the action.

puzzledgrunt said:
2-What are the ballistic properties of the average head?
The ballistic coefficiency of the average head, considering of course the velocity and shape, would be somewhere in the region of 0.2 to 0.1, though leaning towards the 0.1 figure. This is due to the realtively low mass and velocity from a catapult. Consider that your average cannon ball has a BC of somewhere in the region of .25.

puzzledgrunt said:
3-Name at least three individuals (except me) or groups (past, present or future) who deserve to be used as ammunition, targets, or both.
Brown as a target for a Bliar head, Bliar as a target for Broon's head, and Bliar firing at Bliar.

puzzledgrunt said:
4-Why has this practise been allowed to fall into disuse?
Because we've stopped using catapults. When you try and fire a head through a cannon using accelerants, the head tends to come apart a bit, and rathewr than knocking out or frightening the target, you only make them trhow up as they get covered is splattered mulch.

puzzledgrunt said:
5-Whose head would have the greatest effect on a fortress?
Vinny Jones - he's a nutter.

puzzledgrunt said:
6-What improvements can you suggest? Examples include volley fire, incendiary ammunition, counter-battery fire etc.
Deffo incendiary fire, so long as you don't mind that the recipients can't recognise their relatives. Driving spikes into the heads before launching will further the effect on impact.

puzzledgrunt said:
7-Whose head would you most/least like to be hit by?
Bliar - most - his ugly fcuking head gets everywhere. Least - Thatcher's son - can't find his arrse with both hands, so would get lost en-route.

puzzledgrunt said:
8-Give at least three examples of potential commercial opportunities.
Temporary tattoo stickers to go on foreheads with a personal greeting of your choice. Using the rigour mortised mouth as a handy business card holder as it flies towards your 'market'. Empty out the skull a bit and put those chinese biscuits inside with the little messages. The enemy will be heartened.

puzzledgrunt said:
9- Suggest possible categories for inter-Service competitions-rate of fire, accuracy, range etc.
The Queen's Medal for head throwing at Bisley. Extra points given for hair-do's, make-up, rictus, getting the head to land facing the opponent. No freezing of heads allowed.

puzzledgrunt said:
10-What am I wearing underneath? :wink:
A body?
 
#11
Unless you can somehow fin stabilise your head, you definately need to impart spin on it somehow for improved accuracy over distance. The nose and ears are obvious projections that can be used to engage with rifling. However, assuming a chemical propellant is to be used rather than mechanical (we've moved on a little since the catapult) the forces required to adequately obturate the head in the breach on firing would surely disfigure the head rendering the nose and ears useless. Perhaps some kind of sabot is needed; or, as an earlier poster hinted at, the trailing hair or off-kilter COG of a typical head could provide the drag required to stabilise in any case? However, drag means less range so more propellant needed, leading to greater requirement for obtuation.... difficult one. Probably best stick to 155.
 
#13
what about head bombing sortes? instead of catapulting the heads of firing them out of cannons, simply load up and drop them over the enemy. alternatively, record the dying words of the head donor and then attach small speakers to the head that will play the phrase on loop as the head drops. for instance an enemies' mothers head could be dropped playing the phrase "Tooommmmmyyyy!!! Yooo weeere allwaays a disappointmmmeeentt tooo meee and yoooourrr rreeeaalll fathheeers the postman."
 
#14
1- Be very surprised as she was cremated 2 years ago!

2- Poor

3- All politicians, the entire CSA and my ex-wife

4- Heads, unlike depleted uranium shells, decompose very quickly so mass storage is a problem

5- My ex-wife's. At least I'd be willing test the theory

6- Lots of spikes like the ball in Hellraiser

7-The opportunity to receive head should not be turned down

8- Anamatronic the head as a singing telegram
Mobile hat sales
Mobile sunglasses sales

9- Best war face

10-Something that is clearly too tight and restricting blood flow to your head.
 
#15
1. Immediately rinse my self off, she's a stinking gwar.

2. Fuckedifiknow

3. Ammunition= Jade Goody, Barry Scott and Father christmas( I hate that jolly fat barsteward)

Targets= The cast of hollyoaks, Jamie oliver and other pretend mockney cnuts out there.

4.Why has this practise been allowed to fall into disuse?

Hmmm thats a tough one, Health and safety, Not English enough, Chavs, and immigrants would be my, sit on the fence answer.


5.Whose head would have the greatest effect on a fortress?

see picture below


6. If we leave the head attached to Mlaaaaars and Catapulted them at the defenders, surely the wierd hooting and mlaaaaring noise coming at them would lower morale a bit?

7. see 5

8-Give at least three examples of potential commercial opportunities.

1: crash helmet safety tests.
2: Shrunken head auction in aid of a charity
3: Sell them to the England team for practice balls


9- Suggest possible categories for inter-Service competitions-rate of fire, accuracy, range etc.

Inter service head run, sort of like the gun run, but you have to strip the head down and manhandle it over a gruelling assault course.

10-What am I wearing underneath?

A bag of frozen chips and "A" Team Y-fronts
 

Attachments

#16
1-You are a defender and you have just been knocked flat by your Mum's head. What do you do?

Put a claim in to the insurance company

2-What are the ballistic properties of the average head?

Depends upon the hairstyle

3-Name at least three individuals (except me) or groups (past, present or future) who deserve to be used as ammunition, targets, or both.

Gordon Brown, Swiss Des and Jackqui Spliff,

4-Why has this practise been allowed to fall into disuse?

Lack of ammunition for training purposes

5-Whose head would have the greatest effect on a fortress?

Gordon Brown. The sense of joy would lead them to give it up.

6-What improvements can you suggest? Examples include volley fire, incendiary ammunition, counter-battery fire etc.

Judicious application of WP giving the flaming skull o'doom effect

7-Whose head would you most/least like to be hit by?

Think I can do without the experience.

8-Give at least three examples of potential commercial opportunities.

Sale of TV rights
Link with Big Brother/X factor type shows: losers are then entitled to snivel a bit
DIY Trebuchet kits

9- Suggest possible categories for inter-Service competitions-rate of fire, accuracy, range etc.

Inter Service headcount reduction knock out

10-What am I wearing underneath?

Something highly suspect
 
#17
Biped said:
puzzledgrunt said:
During mediaeval sieges, the attackers had the sporting habit of using their siege engines to fire prisoners' heads into the fortresses, just to wind up the defenders. Stylish, eh?

QUIZ

1-You are a defender and you have just been knocked flat by your Mum's head. What do you do?
Place it on the wall next to me so she can see the action.

puzzledgrunt said:
2-What are the ballistic properties of the average head?
The ballistic coefficiency of the average head, considering of course the velocity and shape, would be somewhere in the region of 0.2 to 0.1, though leaning towards the 0.1 figure. This is due to the realtively low mass and velocity from a catapult. Consider that your average cannon ball has a BC of somewhere in the region of .25.

puzzledgrunt said:
3-Name at least three individuals (except me) or groups (past, present or future) who deserve to be used as ammunition, targets, or both.
Brown as a target for a Bliar head, Bliar as a target for Broon's head, and Bliar firing at Bliar.

puzzledgrunt said:
4-Why has this practise been allowed to fall into disuse?
Because we've stopped using catapults. When you try and fire a head through a cannon using accelerants, the head tends to come apart a bit, and rathewr than knocking out or frightening the target, you only make them trhow up as they get covered is splattered mulch.

puzzledgrunt said:
5-Whose head would have the greatest effect on a fortress?
Vinny Jones - he's a nutter.

puzzledgrunt said:
6-What improvements can you suggest? Examples include volley fire, incendiary ammunition, counter-battery fire etc.
Deffo incendiary fire, so long as you don't mind that the recipients can't recognise their relatives. Driving spikes into the heads before launching will further the effect on impact.

puzzledgrunt said:
7-Whose head would you most/least like to be hit by?
Bliar - most - his ugly fcuking head gets everywhere. Least - Thatcher's son - can't find his arrse with both hands, so would get lost en-route.

puzzledgrunt said:
8-Give at least three examples of potential commercial opportunities.
Temporary tattoo stickers to go on foreheads with a personal greeting of your choice. Using the rigour mortised mouth as a handy business card holder as it flies towards your 'market'. Empty out the skull a bit and put those chinese biscuits inside with the little messages. The enemy will be heartened.

puzzledgrunt said:
9- Suggest possible categories for inter-Service competitions-rate of fire, accuracy, range etc.
The Queen's Medal for head throwing at Bisley. Extra points given for hair-do's, make-up, rictus, getting the head to land facing the opponent. No freezing of heads allowed.

puzzledgrunt said:
10-What am I wearing underneath? :wink:
A body?
I suppose you could call it that... :D
 
#18
Dragstrip said:
Unless you can somehow fin stabilise your head, you definately need to impart spin on it somehow for improved accuracy over distance. The nose and ears are obvious projections that can be used to engage with rifling. However, assuming a chemical propellant is to be used rather than mechanical (we've moved on a little since the catapult) the forces required to adequately obturate the head in the breach on firing would surely disfigure the head rendering the nose and ears useless. Perhaps some kind of sabot is needed; or, as an earlier poster hinted at, the trailing hair or off-kilter COG of a typical head could provide the drag required to stabilise in any case? However, drag means less range so more propellant needed, leading to greater requirement for obtuation.... difficult one. Probably best stick to 155.
Erudite yet disturbing-still, who am I to judge...in fact, who am I?

I'm Spartacus!
 
#19
arby said:
1-You are a defender and you have just been knocked flat by your Mum's head. What do you do?

it wouldnt happen. My mum would distract you with idle conversation and take your head.

2-What are the ballistic properties of the average head?

not as good as you would imagine

3-Name at least three individuals (except me) or groups (past, present or future) who deserve to be used as ammunition, targets, or both.

jade goody, jade goodys family, anyone who has ever met jade goody

4-Why has this practise been allowed to fall into disuse?

damn liberals and muslims.

5-Whose head would have the greatest effect on a fortress?

wayne rooney due to shear size

6-What improvements can you suggest? Examples include volley fire, incendiary ammunition, counter-battery fire etc.

instead if heads, use bullets.

7-Whose head would you most/least like to be hit by?

most like to be hit by any of the birds from holyoaks. Least like to be hit by any of the men from holyoaks

8-Give at least three examples of potential commercial opportunities.

headproof vests
genuine SAS PARA anti head smocks ala waltbay
an open ended, cost plus reconstruction contract.

9- Suggest possible categories for inter-Service competitions-rate of fire, accuracy, range etc.

dodgehead.
comedy ventriliquism

10-What am I wearing underneath?

that dull nagging feeling that you've wasted your life on this site?
Curses! Exposed again! :D
 
#20
eggnog said:
1. Immediately rinse my self off, she's a stinking gwar.

2. Fuckedifiknow

3. Ammunition= Jade Goody, Barry Scott and Father christmas( I hate that jolly fat barsteward)

Targets= The cast of hollyoaks, Jamie oliver and other pretend mockney cnuts out there.

4.Why has this practise been allowed to fall into disuse?

Hmmm thats a tough one, Health and safety, Not English enough, Chavs, and immigrants would be my, sit on the fence answer.


5.Whose head would have the greatest effect on a fortress?

see picture below


6. If we leave the head attached to Mlaaaaars and Catapulted them at the defenders, surely the wierd hooting and mlaaaaring noise coming at them would lower morale a bit?

7. see 5

8-Give at least three examples of potential commercial opportunities.

1: crash helmet safety tests.
2: Shrunken head auction in aid of a charity
3: Sell them to the England team for practice balls


9- Suggest possible categories for inter-Service competitions-rate of fire, accuracy, range etc.

Inter service head run, sort of like the gun run, but you have to strip the head down and manhandle it over a gruelling assault course.

10-What am I wearing underneath?

A bag of frozen chips and "A" Team Y-fronts
YE F*CKING GODS! JESUS CHRIST, EGGNOG WHERE DID YOU FIND THAT IMAGE? No, don't tell me...please!
 

Latest Threads