Septic fishing + limey Baiting (easily offended? dont enter)

Discussion in 'The ARRSE Hole' started by Sabre, Mar 10, 2005.

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  1. Having looked around arrse, i notice a lot of humour floatiing back and forth across the big pond. So hence i thought i might open this thread where the fun can really begin. so the gloves can come off.

    Just remember its all done in the name of humour

    So heres and example just to get the ball rolling

    'Hey y'all my name is cletus the yank with the billy bob teeth, My mother is also my dads sister,i come from the arse end of the hills, where i got me edumication and i shoot beer cans of the top of a automobile in my back yard, with a 12 gauge, then i gets called to go to war, were i shoot at everything my itchy trigger. be it moving or be it still i shoots it wheres my moonshine'
  2. Hey! Ah cayn cawll mah maw whail ahm up-ie here....


  3. Perhaps something witty or humourous?
  4. Apart from the fact that I don't think ARRSE really needs either permission, dedicated fora or clearance to slag off septics, I humbly offer the following check list to determine your Level of Septicity:

    • You have cut your grass and found a car.
      You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.
      You think the stock market has a fence around it.
      Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theatre. (note spelling)
      Your boat has not left the drive-way in 15 years.
      You own a homemade fur coat.
      Chiggers and nits are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.
      You burn your back garden rather than mow it.
      Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."
      You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as "the day my ship
      came in."
      You read Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
      The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
      You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
      Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the
      Governor to spare a loved one.
      Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall because
      of her language.
      Someone asks, "Where's your bowling bag?" and you answer, "She's at home
      with the kids."
      Birds are attracted to your beard.
      Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
      You were playing pool when any of your kids were born.
      You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.
      You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberatley.
      Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".
      You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
      You've ever given rat traps as gifts.
      You clean your fingernails with a stick.
      Your coffee table used to be a cable drum.
      You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.
      You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it
      look nice.
      Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
      Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
      Every socket in your house breaks HSE laws.
      You've totalled every car you've ever owned.
      There are more than five McDonald's bags currently in the floorboard of your
      The Home Shopping Network operator recognizes your voice.
      There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
      You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
      The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
      You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
      You think "taking out the rubbish" means taking your in-laws to a movie.
      You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
      Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."
      The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.
      You've ever bought a used cap.
      Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.
      You pick your teeth from a catalogue.
      You've ever financed a tattoo.
      You've ever stolen loo roll.
      You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
      People hear your car a long time before they see it.
      The accelerator pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
      You prefer car keys to cotton buds.
      You take a fishing pole into Sea World.
      You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.
      You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.
      You think the French Riviera is foreign car.
      You go to a stock car race and don't need a programme.
      You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
      Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
      You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.
      You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
      Your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her mouth before telling
      the policeman to 'kiss her ass'.
      Your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick.
      You own a denim leisure suit.
      You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
      Your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and
      nobody notices.
      You've ever been kicked out of the KKK for being a BIGOT.
      Your family tree does not fork.
      You see no need to stop at rest stops because you have an empty milk
      jug in the car.
      You have a rag for a gas cap.
      The dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
      You show your boyfriend you really love him by carving his name on your arm.
      You've ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge
      clearance restrictions.
      You've ever had to scratch your sisters name out of a message that begins,
      "For a good time call...."
      You have ever hit on somebody in a V.D. clinic.
      Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
      You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while your at work.
      Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
      All of your four letter words are two syllables.
      You've ever been too drunk to fish.
      You cut your toenails in front of company.
      You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet women.
      Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
      Hitchhikers won't get in the car with you.
      You've ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts.
      Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
      You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
      You can spit without opening your mouth.
      You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
      You call your boss "dude".
      You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
      You have grease under your toenails.
      You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
      Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
      You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
      You've ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
      You've ever worn a tank top to a wedding.
      You've ever cleaned fish in your living room.
      You actually know which kind of leaves make the best substitute for
      toilet paper.
      Your father walks you to school because you're both in the same grade.
      The directions to your house say "Turn off the paved road."
      Your wife has more children than teeth.

    Thanks for coming. :D
  5. Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

    Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!
  6. ...If your dog and your wallet are both on a chain,
    ...If your father walks you to school because you're both in the same grade,
    ...If you've ever hauled a can of paint to the top of a water tower to defend your sister's honour...


    (Jeff Foxworthy, the Music Album)
  7. A communique from 'out west'...

  8. I'm sure thats been ripped off from one Mr Spike Milligan.
  9. Bloody hell, a post from a scalie that doesn't involve 'Blandford is crap' or 'I hate all forms of discipline'. I'm honoured.

    In answer to your post, all I can offer is the assertion that a great deal of 'stuff' posted here on ARRSE is lifted from other, vastly more intelligent or crazy individuals. Only our opinions are truly our own. In this case, it was lifted from the desk of one of our septic officers here in Puzzle Palace - I can only apologise on his behalf for allegedly stealing Sir Spike's work.

    I have told him - and he asks me to pass on his comments:

    'Feck off and get a life you whiny Brit'.

    Cheers anyway.
  10. What a bunch of lady-boys! Sounds to me like you're just mad because Blighty is now a third world country, with Tony pulling you down farther and farther everyday. I will say one good thing about you Brits; you make fine lap dogs.

    If you were half as good as you think you are, you'd still own 75% of the world.

    :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
  11. The stealing of Sir spikes work is acceptable by us honest, god faring brits. Tell that sceptic officer his simple american brain doesnt deserve the right to view sir spikes material. Never mind ripping it off and claiming it to be his own.

    whats the matter America, can't think of anything funny yourself.
  12. You mean we're yank-bashing by way of humour!!?

  13. Lets be honest you cant say much about politics. America, only a country of idiots would elect a moron.

    Just think back to school and the bullies. The big one did all the hard work but there was always a little gobby one in the background telling him what to do.
  14. Couldn't think of anything of your own? I'm not suprised....
  15. Cutaway

    Cutaway LE Reviewer

    A bloke decides to take a trip stateside to check out why all the septics on Arrse have been big timing it so much.
    He's on a big coast to coast train and finds himself seated at the bar next to a busty Floridan blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.

    They chat for a bit and he mentions that he wants to see everything beautiful and wonderful in the States.
    During the conversation he glances at her shapely legs and despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the female’s skirt.
    To his delight, he realises she is going commando.

    The blonde realises he is staring and enquires, “You say you want to see some of the wonders of America, but you're looking at my flange !”
    “Yes, I’m sorry” says the Brit and promises to avert his eyes.
    “It’s quite alright,” replies the woman, “It’s very talented, come to my cabin and I'll show you."

    He follows her down to the cabin she lets him in.
    "Take a seat" she says, then sits on the bunk opposite and moves her legs apart. "Watch this, I’ll make it blow a kiss to you.”
    Sure enough the fanny blows him a kiss.
    The Arrser, who is getting really interested, enquires what else the wonder fanny can do.
    “I can also make it wink,” says the woman.
    He stares in amazement as the fanny winks at him.
    “Come and sit next to me,” she suggests, patting the seat.
    He moves over like greased cheetah shite and is asked, “Would you like to stick two fingers in?”

    "Bloody hell !" he replies shocked, "Can it whistle as too ?”