Self Sabotage

Things do not seem to have improved. In terms of being isolated and stressed, things seem to be worse. I have an almost 24/7 feeling of emptiness. Perhaps this is not unrelated to the fact that I am seeing a therapist for more intense CBT. I am trying to learn to step back when anxious and not to react impulsively, which means looking a past trauma.

Physically I seem to be tired a lot of the time, and with a strange burning feeling in my chest - reflux?

After the CBT appointment yesterday I popped into a bargain books place and saw a book offered for £6 as opposed to £14.99. It is Stress: the Psychology of Managing Pressure, by Diane McIntosh MD FRCPC and Johnathan Horowitz PhD, published by DK.

Although it deals with stress as opposed to anxiety or depression as such, it does talk about them. I note that they list a number of stressors - relationship, personal, and job and money. Quite a few of them apply to me. The book notes that being a carer is highly stressful and also has a section on the stress of loneliness.
 
I have had a couple of serious WTF moment in the last few days. One of them was about a friend who has gone EMCON silent. I know she had recently been seriously ill and I fear the worst. The second was when I entered the name of my best ever friend (female - she was like a sister) into a search engine. I was hoping to see that she is well and doing well. She is, but I was surprised to see what she has been doing.

Actually it is all good, but as someone who felt her pain when she was having a real crisis a few years ago it has been a real WTF moment. I am part of her past, and there is probably no way back.

As for me, I am having a little bit of a problem in understand who I am and why I have underachieved so badly. I wonder if part if it that I have a limited ability to compartmentalise? I think, looking it objectively: f*** f*** f*** f*** f***!

I cannot help thinking about the insight into male psychology provided by the USAF Failing Aviator brief.

 
Last edited:
I have had a couple of serious WTF moment in the last few days. One of them was about a friend who has gone EMCON silent. I know she had recently been seriously ill and I fear the worst. The second was when I entered the name of my best ever friend (female - she was like a sister) into a search engine. I was hoping to see that she is well and doing well. She is, but I was surprised to see what she has been doing.

Actually it is all good, but as someone who felt her pain when she was having a real crisis a few years ago it has been a real WTF moment. I am part of her past, and there is probably no way back.

As for me, I am having a little bit of a problem in understand who I am and why I have underachieved so badly. I wonder if part if it that I have a limited ability to compartmentalise? I think, looking it objectively: f*** f*** f*** f*** f***!

I cannot help thinking about the insight into male psychology provided by the USAF Failing Aviator brief.

I watched the first 20 mins of that; shame I've got stuff to do and can't watch more, but it's interesting that some of the stuff he says, such as having high levels of control, aren't only applicable to his audience, but it's the kind of stuff I hear regularly at AA meetings.

As an example, Wor Lass rarely drinks too much, she says she doesn't like that 'out of control feeling', which I find weird, because when I drank, I felt IN-control.

Oh, and the 'I'm fine' thing too. Fine = Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional (heard at an AA meeting).

Anyway, thanks; he's entertaining; I'll watch the rest later.
 
The second was when I entered the name of my best ever friend (female - she was like a sister) into a search engine. I was hoping to see that she is well and doing well. She is, but I was surprised to see what she has been doing.
a dwarf gangbang ?
 
I watched the first 20 mins of that; shame I've got stuff to do and can't watch more, but it's interesting that some of the stuff he says, such as having high levels of control, aren't only applicable to his audience, but it's the kind of stuff I hear regularly at AA meetings.

As an example, Wor Lass rarely drinks too much, she says she doesn't like that 'out of control feeling', which I find weird, because when I drank, I felt IN-control.

Oh, and the 'I'm fine' thing too. Fine = Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional (heard at an AA meeting).

Anyway, thanks; he's entertaining; I'll watch the rest later.
At the start he makes the point that as adults we are often compensating for childhood, or behaving as we learnt then. At the end he lists the signs of failing aviator - where your subconcious is trying to kill you.

a dwarf gangbang ?
No. She appears to have got back together with the guy she divorced after her marriage went sour. I spent a lot of time hearing how horrible it had been and feeling her pain. I felt guilty for not noticing any signs. Good for her if she is happy and it works out for her.
 
In recent weeks, I have had an unhappy reflection on my past and have concluded that I have self sabotaged again and again. I believe this relates to childhood trauma (a childhood brain injury) and the problems caused by that - both the direct ones (limited but liable to cause misunderstanding) and indirect ones (it was massively disruptive to the normal growing up process).

The most damaging ones for me are anxiety, reduced self esteem, and negative urgency (Google it). These have led me to act in well intentioned but counter productive ways that have reduced my level of educational achievement (I could have got a better degree if....), missed out on jobs I could have got if I had handled interviews better, performed less well in the workplace, and suffered socially. What were safety behaviours that served me very well as a child (and to some extant into adulthood) now seem to lose friends and alienate people.

I could do with reading a book called Feel The Fear BUT DON'T DO IT!

I think I need to be open with friends/colleagues, but I am not sure the best way to do it.
Are you an only child?
 
Are you an only child?
No - I am the youngest son. The older one was.is not brain injured - contrast and compare. The only successes I had which her never did were doing better educationally and wearing dark blue - sometimes. Contrast and compare.

Why do you ask?
 
No - I am the youngest son. The older one was.is not brain injured - contrast and compare. The only successes I had which her never did were doing better educationally and wearing dark blue - sometimes. Contrast and compare.

Why do you ask?

Occasionally only children suffer from the same feelings you are experiencing.
 
As for me, I am having a little bit of a problem in understand who I am and why I have underachieved so badly.
Whenever I look back over my life and think of what I think I could have done better I find it useful to think about how, in a totally random way the better could have gone horribly wrong; because then it isn't better. Example: because I got the better job I used a different route to work. Two days after starting the new job I had a fatal road accident on the new route, better outcome......
Second thing, who says you've underachieved, against what standard. I'm not a multimillionaire, never won an Olympic gold medal, became CDS, won a VC and survived, have I underachieved. Maybe a hypothetical someone else in your position would not be making as good a job of things as you are. As I get older it is becoming more and more obvious that if I were tested I would be somewhere on the autistic spectrum, but that just didn't happen when I was a child. Arguably all my life I've been mucked up by this undiagnosed problem, alternatively all my life I've coped with an inherent genetic disorder without needing medical help.
 
I think I can safely say I have underperformed in every area of life, both in comparison to peers (people I was at school etc with/other graduate Engineers) and my own aspirations. There is a better measure - I have had a proper assessment of intelligence and other strengths (and weaknesses).

The real problem is that post accident I got treated less well, and had reduced opportunities to learn how to communicate in social situations, and due to the crap I went through I learnt coping methods that are liable to be misunderstood.

I am trying to learn not to react fast to negative emotions. Not easy.
 
I think I can safely say I have underperformed in every area of life, both in comparison to peers (people I was at school etc with/other graduate Engineers) and my own aspirations. There is a better measure - I have had a proper assessment of intelligence and other strengths (and weaknesses).

The real problem is that post accident I got treated less well, and had reduced opportunities to learn how to communicate in social situations, and due to the crap I went through I learnt coping methods that are liable to be misunderstood.

I am trying to learn not to react fast to negative emotions. Not easy.
Cut your own path through the jungle, mate. Don't measure yourself against those whom (for whatever reason) you can't 'keep up with'. Some of the unhappiest people I have known have been those who have compared themselves constantly against life's 'fast-runners', be that in terms of military career, how foxy their Mrs is, what car they drive, what house they've got, etc etc. Don't fall into the trap.

Also, you will have differing talents that others don't have - exploit those to your maximum benefit.
 
Cut your own path through the jungle, mate. Don't measure yourself against those whom (for whatever reason) you can't 'keep up with'. Some of the unhappiest people I have known have been those who have compared themselves constantly against life's 'fast-runners', be that in terms of military career, how foxy their Mrs is, what car they drive, what house they've got, etc etc. Don't fall into the trap.

Also, you will have differing talents that others don't have - exploit those to your maximum benefit.
I try. The problem is clumsy communication. I understand this, and can compensate, perhaps by doing a bit of a presentation at a job interview or telling me about my weaknesses (and strengths), however we are all victims of a paradox. The rarer a message is, the less likely it is to be believed. Yet the rarer it is, the more infomation it conveys. Emotional/political acceptability can play the same role as rarity.
 
[QUOTE="Yokel, post: 8856502, member: 6671"however we are all victims of a paradox[/QUOTE]

not me... I greet the worlds daily shite with a smile on my face & spring in my step...
 
It's Dwarf's signature. You can ask him but I doubt he would be wanting to share.
You never know, I'll see if there's any chocolate left afterwards.

It might taste a little fishy though. :razz:
 
I need (I got told this by someone acting in a professional context) that I need to learn to self soothe in moments of anxiety instead of reacting urgently and adopting safety behaviours. This makes sense, but how? Stroke or brush the cat if at home? Imagine stroking (a) cat if out and about? The point is having something to keep my mind busy at those moments.

She also suggested that I need a 'safe place'. This sounds a bit Snowflake like for me, so I prefer the term 'Happy Place' from the film Happy Gilmore. Can I think back to a time and place where I felt really happy? Not really.

Any ideas?
 

Similar threads

Top