Self Righteous Cùnts.

Auld-Yin

ADC
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
Reviews Editor
An emergency occurred today, the dogs had run out of shapes. In a blind panic we bombed down the A1 at speeds approaching Mach 1 to the nearest pets at home. As is usual in these emergencies, I dropped ‘er indoors as close to the doors as possible and sat in a parking spot waiting as any conscientious getaway driver would. The engine was running to keep the all important air con on in order to maintain my cool, suave, je ne sais quoi.

Id been there about 30 seconds, minding my own business, keeping out of trouble when a shadow was cast over me, as I turned to see what it was I saw a smallish bloke, about 5’6” lifting his arm up, he rapped his knuckle on my window, to which I wound down the window. This little fücker was a cliche, straight out of 70s sitcom, he looked like a younger version of George off George and Mildred, but without the moustache, before he even spoke I knew what his voice was going to be like and it fleetingly crosses my mind that one of you cünts had clocked me and was on a wind up.

In an officious nasally tone, Monsieur Gherkin informed me that it was illegal to park with my engine running. Today I was in a relaxed mood, despite the emergency we were facing due to lack of shapes.

Dingerr - “Thank you for reminding me, I will bear that in mind for the future”.

Engine continues running

Mr Gherkin - “Are you going to switch your engine off?”.

Dingerr - “No, I need it to keep the air con running as I need to keep cool and I’m not legally required to turn it off”.

Mr Gherkin - “You have to turn your engine off, or I’ll be forced to report you”.

Gherkin gets his phone out and starts filming.

Dingerr - “Is that the law?”

Mr Gherkin - “Yes”

Dingerr - “Which law?”

Mr Gherkin - “The Road Traffic Act”.

Dingerr - “Outstanding, ill remember that for when I’m out on the public roads, but I’m sure you’ll agree that the RTA does not apply to me right here right now as I’m on private land, which I’m permitted to be on in accordance with the sign on the wall over there, which says nothing about switching my engine off”.

Mr Gherkin glares at me.

Dingerr - “Do you have the land owners permission to film on their land?”

Mr Gherkin is getting quite agitated now, but still doesn’t put the phone down.

Dingerr - “How about I report you to the Police?”

Mr Gherkin - “What for?”

Dingerr - “I’ve done nothing wrong and you are harassing me, I’m also disabled which is obvious from the wheelchair which can be clearly seen in the back, harassing a disabled person will be recorded as a hate crime, I’ll just take a pic of you”.

Mr Gherkin storms off.






Top that gherkins :1:
You big bully! :shakefist:
 
This pandemic has been mana for the self-righteous. The spotty face youth at the local convenience store now stands at the doorway, mask half way down his face, calling out 'Wait there, Pal'. I'm not his pal, and never will be.
Mr Eastwood walt
 
An emergency occurred today, the dogs had run out of shapes. In a blind panic we bombed down the A1 at speeds approaching Mach 1 to the nearest pets at home. As is usual in these emergencies, I dropped ‘er indoors as close to the doors as possible and sat in a parking spot waiting as any conscientious getaway driver would. The engine was running to keep the all important air con on in order to maintain my cool, suave, je ne sais quoi.

Id been there about 30 seconds, minding my own business, keeping out of trouble when a shadow was cast over me, as I turned to see what it was I saw a smallish bloke, about 5’6” lifting his arm up, he rapped his knuckle on my window, to which I wound down the window. This little fücker was a cliche, straight out of 70s sitcom, he looked like a younger version of George off George and Mildred, but without the moustache, before he even spoke I knew what his voice was going to be like and it fleetingly crosses my mind that one of you cünts had clocked me and was on a wind up.

In an officious nasally tone, Monsieur Gherkin informed me that it was illegal to park with my engine running. Today I was in a relaxed mood, despite the emergency we were facing due to lack of shapes.

Dingerr - “Thank you for reminding me, I will bear that in mind for the future”.

Engine continues running

Mr Gherkin - “Are you going to switch your engine off?”.

Dingerr - “No, I need it to keep the air con running as I need to keep cool and I’m not legally required to turn it off”.

Mr Gherkin - “You have to turn your engine off, or I’ll be forced to report you”.

Gherkin gets his phone out and starts filming.

Dingerr - “Is that the law?”

Mr Gherkin - “Yes”

Dingerr - “Which law?”

Mr Gherkin - “The Road Traffic Act”.

Dingerr - “Outstanding, ill remember that for when I’m out on the public roads, but I’m sure you’ll agree that the RTA does not apply to me right here right now as I’m on private land, which I’m permitted to be on in accordance with the sign on the wall over there, which says nothing about switching my engine off”.

Mr Gherkin glares at me.

Dingerr - “Do you have the land owners permission to film on their land?”

Mr Gherkin is getting quite agitated now, but still doesn’t put the phone down.

Dingerr - “How about I report you to the Police?”

Mr Gherkin - “What for?”

Dingerr - “I’ve done nothing wrong and you are harassing me, I’m also disabled which is obvious from the wheelchair which can be clearly seen in the back, harassing a disabled person will be recorded as a hate crime, I’ll just take a pic of you”.

Mr Gherkin storms off.






Top that gherkins :1:
Well said lad!
CFB
 

Cutaway

LE
Kit Reviewer
Lot of syllables there.

'Do one, ****' ony has three. I'm sure someone else will come up with something more succinct.
VOETSEK !
 

Dr Death

War Hero
Did you mention a army veteran?
Any pictures of the righteous little twat so he can be outed for being iknowthelaw walt?
 

Goatman

ADC
Book Reviewer
Poor Man's JohnG bumping his gums again then.
Just laughing at a delivery driver who likes to show everyone one the internet how hard he is.
 
I do get instances where I really want to slap people, but I simply can’t. In a way it’s fortunate and probably saved me time in court.

I have learned to adopt the laid back, couldn’t give a **** attitude when dealing with Gherkins as I know it really gets under their skin. I’m seething inside. Sometimes I get a bit shouty, but that’s usually for ignorant cünts, not gherkins.
Amen to that
 

Cutaway

LE
Kit Reviewer
And if I’d had legs I could have kicked fück out of him.
There's a bloke with just the one leg drinks in my local (obviously not at the moment because of Coronazombie Apocalypse) told me he took his leg home, intending to bury it in his garden.

I forget why.

Anyway, apparently he'd not thought through the details and whilst he got mobile quite quickly, using a spade was going to be a challenge.


His leg went all rotten and he had to ask the nice nurse who came round to check on him to take it away, which she arranged to have done.


I'm only telling this story because, had he had it freeze-dried, he could have used it as a club.
 
Last edited:
I was working in the M.E and I received an email from a client, copying in his whole senior management team. He informed me that one of our drivers had been caught driving at speed on camp ("sharp acceleration/breaking" had been logged in the In Vehicle Monitoring System- IVMS), that this was unforgiveable and that he wanted the culprit fired. Now. I wrote back asking him if I should/could complete a proper investigation and then start to go through the formal chain depending on what we found (at this point, the driver and vehicle were not identified). I received another "reply all" email back saying "Stop bogging me down in pointless details, do your job, get them fired and off the camp now", or words to that effect.

It took three of us three days to go through the IVMS records on the vehicles, only to discover
a) the vehicle belonged to the client (they had lost all their records)
b) the vehicle was in the garage getting a service, and
c) the mechanic accelerated the vehicle to a dizzying 10km/h to test the brakes (new brake pads fitted) before returning it to the client.

I duly wrote back to the utter c0ck, copying in his entire management team, attached a full report and asking him who he would like to fire. I received an email within five minutes saying "Let's take this offline, I don't think this is a matter that should be clogging up senior management's inboxes". I never heard any more about it.

*It gave me much pleasure to later discover that he had flown into country to start one rotation with an absolute belter of a black eye, courtesy of a contractor he had f*cked over on a previous contract and who he had bumped into in a bar in Dubai the night before flying in.
 

StBob072

LE
Book Reviewer
An emergency occurred today, the dogs had run out of shapes. In a blind panic we bombed down the A1 at speeds approaching Mach 1 to the nearest pets at home. As is usual in these emergencies, I dropped ‘er indoors as close to the doors as possible and sat in a parking spot waiting as any conscientious getaway driver would. The engine was running to keep the all important air con on in order to maintain my cool, suave, je ne sais quoi.

Id been there about 30 seconds, minding my own business, keeping out of trouble when a shadow was cast over me, as I turned to see what it was I saw a smallish bloke, about 5’6” lifting his arm up, he rapped his knuckle on my window, to which I wound down the window. This little fücker was a cliche, straight out of 70s sitcom, he looked like a younger version of George off George and Mildred, but without the moustache, before he even spoke I knew what his voice was going to be like and it fleetingly crosses my mind that one of you cünts had clocked me and was on a wind up.

In an officious nasally tone, Monsieur Gherkin informed me that it was illegal to park with my engine running. Today I was in a relaxed mood, despite the emergency we were facing due to lack of shapes.

Dingerr - “Thank you for reminding me, I will bear that in mind for the future”.

Engine continues running

Mr Gherkin - “Are you going to switch your engine off?”.

Dingerr - “No, I need it to keep the air con running as I need to keep cool and I’m not legally required to turn it off”.

Mr Gherkin - “You have to turn your engine off, or I’ll be forced to report you”.

Gherkin gets his phone out and starts filming.

Dingerr - “Is that the law?”

Mr Gherkin - “Yes”

Dingerr - “Which law?”

Mr Gherkin - “The Road Traffic Act”.

Dingerr - “Outstanding, ill remember that for when I’m out on the public roads, but I’m sure you’ll agree that the RTA does not apply to me right here right now as I’m on private land, which I’m permitted to be on in accordance with the sign on the wall over there, which says nothing about switching my engine off”.

Mr Gherkin glares at me.

Dingerr - “Do you have the land owners permission to film on their land?”

Mr Gherkin is getting quite agitated now, but still doesn’t put the phone down.

Dingerr - “How about I report you to the Police?”

Mr Gherkin - “What for?”

Dingerr - “I’ve done nothing wrong and you are harassing me, I’m also disabled which is obvious from the wheelchair which can be clearly seen in the back, harassing a disabled person will be recorded as a hate crime, I’ll just take a pic of you”.

Mr Gherkin storms off.






Top that gherkins :1:

Did he, by chance, utter the immortal words "I'm not Happy ..." ?
 

brockle

Old-Salt
You probably are a self righteous cünt and are never going to admit having your arse handed to you on a plate.
That'll be a bite then. You spout so much fiction it's hard to tell when it's in the non-fiction section.

Still, great dit. Keep 'em coming.
 

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