Selection

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous Jokes' started by LazyCaretaker, Sep 13, 2010.

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  1. What is a man's best friend?

    His dick because it always sitcks up for him.
    .....................................................................................

    A elderly, single, third grade teacher was informed she would have to teach sex education.

    She was quite upset and refused the assignment. She didn't think she would actually be able to talk about the subject. Eventually, she changed her mind as the alternative was to be fired.

    On the first day of school she drew a woman's body on the blackboard, pointed to the chest and asked the class "Does anyone know what this is called?"

    Jane, who was sitting in the first row, raised her hand and answered "It's called a 'breast' and my mommy has two of them!"

    "Very good," said the teacher. Then she drew a male body on the board, pointed to the groin, and asked "Does anyone know what this is called?"

    This time Billy raised his hand. "I know what it is! It's called a 'penis' and my daddy has two of them."

    "That's the right name," said the teacher, but I don't think your daddy has two of them."

    "Yes he does!" said Billy. "He has a little one that he uses to pee, and big one he brushes mommy's teeth with!"

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    How is bungee jumping like having sex with a prostitute?

    They both cost $100, they only last 30 seconds, and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.

    .....................................................................................

    Steve Young and his wife Cindy decide to go to a hotel for the weekend. When they get there Steve rips off his 49ers shirt, and accross his chest he has a huge NIKE tatoo!

    Now Cindy is a little confused but she dosn't really care.

    Next he takes off his pants and across his leg he has a huge FILA tatoo!

    Now Cindy is starting to get really scared, but she continues.

    Next, Steve takes off his boxers, and across his penis he has a tatoo that says AIDS on it!

    Now Cindy has had it and she says AIDS?

    Steve says don't worry sweetie. In a second it will say ADIDAS.

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    How is a man like a mouse?

    They both spend their time looking for holes.

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    How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

    Two. One to change it, and one to suck my dick.

    ........................................................................................

    Phillip fancied himself quite a ladies man, so when his cruise ship went down in a storm and he found himself stranded on a desert island with six women, he couldn't believe his good fortune. They quickly agreed that each woman would have one night a week with the only man.

    Phillip threw himself into the arrangement with gusto, working even on his day off, but as the weeks stretched into months, he found himself looking forward to that day of rest more and more eagerly.

    One afternoon he was sitting on the beach and wishing for some more men to share his duties when he caught sight of a man waving from a life raft that was bobbing on the waves. Phillip swam out, pulled the raft to shore, and did a little jig of happiness. "You can't believe how happy I am to see you," he cried.

    The new fellow eyed him up and down and cooed, "You're a sight for sore eyes, too, you gorgeous thing!"

    "Shit," sighed Phillip, "there go my Sundays."

    .......................................................................................

    What is a woman's asshole doing while she is having an orgasm?

    Waiting for her to come home.

    .......................................................................................

    When I was growing up I used to lick all the kids on the block except for the Browns; they were boys.

    .........................................................................................
    A young man, in the course of his college life, came to terms with his homosexuality and decided to "come out of the closet". His plan was to tell his mother first; so on his next home visit, he went to the kitchen, where his mother was busying herself stirring stew with a wooden spoon. Rather nervously, he explained to her that he had realized he was gay.

    Without looking up from her stew, his mother said, "You mean, homosexual?"

    "Well...yes."

    Still without looking up: "Does that mean you suck men's penises?"

    Caught off guard, the young man eventually managed to stammer an embarrassed affirmative; whereupon his mother turned to him and, brandishing the wooden spoon threateningly under his nose, snapped:

    "Don't you ever complain about my cooking again!"

    ..........................................................................................
    An virginal young lady (let's call her Madonna) goes to visit her girl friend in the clinic, who has just given birth to her first child. During the course of their conversation, Madonna mentions the fact that while she too would like to have a baby, she didn't exactly know how to proceed. The young mother is very helpful, and fills out an itemized list on the how-tos of becoming pregnant:


    Get all dressed up in the slinkiest dress you can find
    Go to (substitute your favorite nightclub)
    etc...
    Madonna scrupulously follows her friend's instructions, and sure enough, finds herself guided into the men's room at the nightclub. Her only problem is that the young man is a safe sex advocate and uses a rubber to consummate the act, and she being inexperienced is unaware of this obstacle. Once consummated he takes off the rubber and flushes it down the toilet.
    Madonna: Gee honey, what do yo want to call our child?

    Young man: (looks at the toilet, and then adresses Madonna) Well, if he gets out of this one, we'd better call him Houdini...

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    What came first, the chicken or the egg?

    - I'd have to say it was the rooster!