Selection 20

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous Jokes' started by LazyCaretaker, Sep 13, 2010.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. There is a priest who is summoned by the archbishop. He had to leave for several days. So he looked for a priest to fill in for him in the confession box. He called every priest he knew. None were available. He finally called a Rabbi. The Rabbi said "I don't know, our religions are very different." The priest said "It's okay you line the sin up with the punishment on this chart." The rabbi gave in and decided to fill in. The next few days the rabbi listened to confessions and helped the people. The third day a man came in and said"Father forgive me for I have sinned." Rabbi: How have you sinned?" Person: I had anal sex." The rabbi was stumped for that sin was not on the chart. So the rabbi asked the man to wait. The rabbi asked everyone what the punishment was for anal sex. Finally the altar boy walked in. The rabbi asked what does the father give you for anal sex? The altar boy replied "Usually two cookies and a glass of milk."

    < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < <

    After sex:
    Hooker asks: "Well sweetheart, did you get your money's worth?"
    Mistress; "Darling, did you enjoy that as much as I did?"
    Wife; " Beige,....Beige,....I think I'll paint the ceiling Beige."


    Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook. The first old guy said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face." The second old fogey one-upped him and said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers." The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times!"


    There was these newly weds that were both virgins and nervous about the wedding night. Finally when it came the wife took off all of her clothes and went under the covers while her husband took off his clothes one by one. First he took off his socks and his toes were messed up. His wife says "what happened to your toes?" He says "I had toelio". She says "you mean Polio", but he said, "no, toelio". Then he takes off his pants and the wife sees that his knees are all banged up and weird. The wife says "what happened to your knees?" He says "I had Kneaseles". And she says "you mean Measles" and he says "no, Kneaseles". Finally he took off his underwear and she says "Let me guess...small cox?"


    Little Johnny and Susie were only 10 years old, but they just knew that they were in love.

    One day they decided that they wanted to get married, so Johnny went to Susie's father to ask him for her hand.

    Johnny bravely walked up to him and said "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

    Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replied, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

    Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replied "In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

    Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith said with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Susie."

    Again, Johnny instantly replied, "Our allowance... Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that'll do us just fine."

    By this time Mr. Smith was a little shocked that Johnny had put so much thought into this. So, he thought for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny wouldn't have an answer for.

    After a second, Mr. Smith said, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

    Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and said, "Well, we've been lucky so far..."

    < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < <