Selection 2

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous Jokes' started by LazyCaretaker, Sep 13, 2010.

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  1. What's the definition of Trust?

    - Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.
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    How can you tell if a bank robber is gay?

    - He ties up the safe and blows the guard.
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    How can you tell the difference between a straight rodeo and a gay rodeo?

    - At a straight rodeo they yell "Ride them suckers!"

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    A little old lady with blue hair entered the lingerie shop and asked in a quavering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell-l s-s-sexual aids h-here?"

    The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance in his shop, answered, "Uh, yes ma'am. We do."

    The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart asked "D-do y-you ha-ave an-ny ab-bb-bout th-this l-l-ong?"

    "Well, yes ma'am, we do. We have several that size."

    Forming a circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are an-nny of t-them about thi-is b-big ar-round-d?"

    "Well.... yes ma'am, a few of them are about that big."

    "D-do aa-ny of t-them ha-ave a v-v-vibra-a-ator?"

    "Yes ma'am, one of them does."

    "W-w-ell, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?"

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    What did the elephant say to the naked man?

    - It's cute, but can it pick up peanuts?
    And the man replied "No, but it can pick up dates."

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    Jean Pierre was having a costume party and told all his friends that they must come dressed as an emotion.

    The night of the party the doorbell rang and there stood Ann Marie dressed in black and she said "I am gloom."

    A few minutes later the doorbell rang again. This time it was Hubert, dressed in green, claiming to be envy.

    The third time the doorbell rang, it was Michelle, all dressed in red for rage.

    The next time Jean Pierre open his door, there was Marcell, naked, except for a pear tied to his penis. "What emotion are you?" asked Jean Perre.

    And Marcell simply answered "I'm fucking despair."

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    Why does a dog lick himself?

    - Because he can't make a fist.
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    Do you know what a woman of 85 has between her tits that a woman of 20 doesn't?

    - Her belly button!
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    What does eating pussy and the Mafia have in common?

    - One slip of the tounge and your in deep shit.

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    Bob: "I just got a fucking speeding ticket"

    Tim: "How fast were you fucking?"

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    A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.

    "Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."

    Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took your advice and it works! It really works! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the first time anyone has ever helped me!"

    "Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."

    "By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a really nice house."

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