Selection 19

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous Jokes' started by LazyCaretaker, Sep 13, 2010.

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  1. A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Protestant Minister are on a cruise. Suddenly the boat begins to sink. The Protestant Minister yells, "Abandon ship! Women and children first!" The Rabbi says, "Screw the children." The Priest then replys, "Do we have time for that?"

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    A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."


    Judge: Look here Mickey Mouse, I cannot grant you a divorce from Minnie.

    Mickey (stunned): Why not?

    Judge: I have reviewed all the information you gave the court, but i can't find any evidence at all to support the grounds that she is crazy.

    Mickey (exasperated): Your honor! I didn't say she was crazy...
    I said she was fucking Goofy!

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    A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."
    The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
    "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
    The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back.
    "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
    On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
    The bartender said: "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
    "Yeah... My wife!"


    There were three guys in hell. an Italian guy , a bum and a gay guy. One day the devil says to them I'm gonna give you one more chance on Earth, but you can't have your favorite thing.
    "Italian guy, you can't have any pizza.
    Bum, you can never shag money again.
    Gay guy, you can never have sex with another man."
    So the devil sends them back to Earth and they wind up in front of a pizza shop. The Italian guy just can't control himself and he runs in and eats a piece of pizza, POOF! Now the gay guy and the bum are walking down the street and the gay guy spots a $100 bill and points it out to the bum. The bum bends over and picks it up with the gay guy behind him and, POOF!... POOF!
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    A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, "you're gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast. "The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson. The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?" asks the wife."Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis." The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft. "That was great," the pro says. "Now, take theclub out of your mouth and swing the club like you're supposed to!" says the pro.

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    This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him." His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh..well...ah....well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!" His mom says, "Why?!?" And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"


    There was a fly flying 6 inches above a lake.

    A fish in the lake thinks, "If that fy dropped 6 inches I'd get it!"

    A bear on land thinks, "If that fly dropped 6 inches, the fish would jump out of the water, and I'd get it!"

    A hunter thinks, "If that fly dropped 6 inches, the fish would jump, the bear will go to get the fish, and I'll shoot the bear!"

    A mouse thinks, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the fish would jump, the bear would go to get the fish, the hunter will go to get the bear, and I'll steal the cheese off his sandwich!"

    A cat thinks, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the fish would jump, the bear would go to get the fish, the hunter will go to get the bear, the mouse will go get the cheese, and I'll get that mouse!"

    Suddenly it all happened,
    The fly dropped 6 inches, the fish got the fly, the bear get the fish, the hunter got the bear, the mouse got the hunter's cheese, but the cat missed the mouse and fell in the water!!!!!

    The Moral Of This Story Is ...

    Every time time a fly drops 6 inches, a pussy gets wet