Selection 17

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous Jokes' started by LazyCaretaker, Sep 13, 2010.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. How can you tell soap operas are fictional?

    - In real life, men aren't affectionate in bed.
    < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < <

    Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?

    - Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time

    >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

    Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?

    - To stop the snoring before it starts.
    < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < <

    Three guys were out playing golf.

    The first guy says, "You would not believe what I had to do to get my wife to let me play golf today. I had to buy her a mink coat."

    The second guy says, "That's nothing. I had to promise my wife to take her on a carribean vacation for our next holiday."

    The third guy says, "I never have any problem getting away to play."

    The other two guys are amazed. "How do you do it?" they want to know.

    "Easy," says the third guy, "First I have a couple of beers after work, then I come in after she's asleep, make an awful racket, climb into bed, slap her on the rear and say-'so honey, what's it going to be intercourse or golf course?'.

    She always says: "Get your clubs."

    < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < <

    After marrying a young filly, a ninety-year old geezer told his doctor that they were expecting a baby.

    "Let me tell you a story," said the doctor. "An absent-minded fellow went hunting, but instead of a gun, he picked up an umbrella. Suddenly, a bear charged him. Pointing his umbrella at the bear, he shot and killed it on the spot."

    "Impossible!" the geezer exclaimed. Somebody else must have shot that bear!"

    "Exactly," replied the doctor!

    ...........................................................................

    A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress (taking another order at a table a few paces away) suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.

    Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

    After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

    The woman calmly looked up at her and replied, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."

    >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

    She wanted a formal wedding so her father painted the gun white....

    >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

    We've been married for fifty years, yet it seems like yesterday...

    and you know what a bad day yesterday was.

    >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

    Marriage may be the road to happiness, but there are lots of good side trails

    < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

    Do you know how a man resembles a petrol station?

    - From the belly-button down he's super. From the belly button up to his neck, he's normal, and from the neck up he's simply air

    >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
    An elderly couple were sitting on the back pourch enjoying a cup of tea.

    Wife: Oh! Honey, last night I had the most amazing dream.

    Husband: Yes, dear. And what was it about.

    Wife: I came down the stairs into the living room. And there was this beautiful Christmas tree. And all over the tree from top to bottom, it was covered with penises. And at the top was a large beautiful penis...

    The husband interrupts: That was mine wasn't it dear?

    Wife: Oh no. It was Tom Sellecks!

    The husband stews over this for a few moments. Then begins to tell his wife about the dream he had last night.

    Husband: It was similar to yours dear. Except that the Christmas tree was covered from top to bottom with pussies; and at the top was the smallest, tightest most beautiful pussy you ever saw...

    The wife interrupts: That was mine wasn't it honey.

    Husband: No, yours was the one holding up the tree.

    >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

    A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. He walks down to the store only to find it closed, so he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh, shit! It's so late, my wife's going to kill me! Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands. Then he goes home.

    His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. "Where the hell have you been?!?!"

    "Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."

    "Oh yeah? And what is that on your hands?"

    She sees his hands are covered with powder and screams, "You @&$*!% liar! You went bowling again!!!"

    < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < <

    A father comes home and asks where his son is. His wife replies that he's downstairs playing with his new chemistry set. The father is curious so he wanders down stairs to see what his son is doing. As he's walking down the steps he hears a banging sound. When he gets to the bottom he sees his son pounding a nail into the wall. He says to his son, "What are you doing? I thought you were playing with your chemistry set. Why are you hammering a nail into the wall?" His son replied, "This isn't a nail, dad, it's a worm. I put these chemicals on it and it became hard as a rock."

    His dad thought about it for a minute and said, "I'll tell you what son, give me those chemicals and I'll give you a new Volkswagon." His son quite naturally said, "Sure why not."

    The next day his son went into the garage to see his new car. Parked in the garage was a brand new Mercedes. Just then his dad walked in. He asked his father where his Volkswagon was. His dad replied, "It's right there behind the Mercedes. By the way, the Mercedes is from your mother
    >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
    God said to Adam "I have some good news and some bad."

    Adam asked for the good news first. God answered "I'm giving you a brain and a penis."

    "What's the bad news?" asked Adam.

    God replied: "I'm only giving you enough blood to for one of them to work at a time!"

    >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
    An explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb for the first time, and in the center of the tomb there is a lamp. So he picked it up and started to rub the dirt off of it, and out came a genie out of the lamp and he said "I want to know the person you hate the most"

    The explorer said "That's gotta be my ex-wife. Why?"

    "I am a cursed genie, I will grant you three wishes but whatever you wish for your ex-wife will get double the amount."

    "OK, I wish for a billion dollars"

    "Granted, but your ex-wife gets two billion"

    "I wish for a mansion in California with a swimming pool, and tennis courts, everything"

    "Granted your ex-wife gets two. This is your final wish"

    The explorer walked around the room and came back to the genie with a stick and said "Ya see this stick, I'd like you to beat me half to death."

    >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

    A husband went to work at 9 in the morning as usual. For some reason he had to be back home later during the day while running some errands. When he entered the house, he was surprised to see his wife in bed with a man who placed his head on her breasts. The husband demanded, "What on earth are you doing ?" To which the stranger replied, "I am listening to music !!"

    The husband shoved the stranger aside and said, "Let me listen" and placed his head on her breasts. He exclaimed in suspicion, "I don't seem to hear any music ." "Of course not," quipped the stranger, "You are not plugged in!"
    >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

    There are 3 stages of sex after marriage. The first stage is the "Anywhere" stage, when you'll do it anywhere - the kitchen table, the shower, on top of the washing machine during the spin cycle.

    The second stage is the "Bedroom" stage, when you'll only do it in the bedroom with the lights turned out.

    The third stage is the "Hallway" stage, when you pass each other in the hallway and say "Screw you!"

    >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

    Well, I am in another law suit. My mother is suing me for Palimony.

    She says after 18 years of living with her, I can't just walk out.

    >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

    There once was this man who worked in a pickle factory, who had this very great and powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. This went on for years, and he couldn't stand it, he decided to seek professional help for this odd infatuation of his. He spends a few months with the shrink, and the doc finally gives up and tells the man that his desire is so powerful to put his penis in the pickle slicer, that the only way to get over it was to do it. The man gladly agrees and says he will do it the next day at work....

    The next day he comes home from work about 11am. His wife is very worried and asks what happened. He explains to her for the first time this long time desire he has had to put his dick in the pickle slicer. And then explains that he couldn't take it anymore and today he did it. She gasps and runs over to him, yanks down his pants and briefs, only to see his member perfectly normal and intact. She looks back up and says I don't understand.... what happened to the pickle slicer?

    - "I think she got fired too...."

    >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

    A woman asks: "Why don't men get mad cow disease?"

    Another woman replies: "Because men are pigs!"