Selection 12

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous Jokes' started by LazyCaretaker, Sep 13, 2010.

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  1. What's the difference between your penis and your paycheck?

    - You dont have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

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    What the difference between true love and herpes?

    - Herpes lasts forever
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    A girl goes and gets a tatoo of Santa Claus on one thigh and a turkey on the other. She says it just goes to show you that there is something good to eat in between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

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    How can you tell if your girlfriend is horny?

    - You stick your hand down her pants and it feels like you're feeding a horse.
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    One day three ducks were swimming in a pond when a police officer pulled over the first duck. The officer asked, "What's your name and what are you doing here?"

    The duck replies "My name is Quack and I was blowing bubbles in the pond."

    The officer saw no reason to ask anything else so he let him go. The officer then pulled the second duck over and asked, "What's your name and what are you doing?"

    The second duck replied, "My name is Quack Quack and I'm blowing bubbles in the pond."

    The officer then let him go as well. The third duck swam by and the officer said, "Let me guess, your name is Quack Quack Quack and you were blowing bubbles in the pond too."

    The third duck said, "No, my name is Bubbles."

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    How do you get AIDS from a toilet seat?

    - If you sit down before the other guy gets off.
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    What's the difference between a "Ritz" cracker and a lesbian?

    - One is a snack cracker, and the other is a crack snacker

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    Three guys were traveling on the road and they were tired, so they stopped at a nearby farm. The farmer goes to the first guy "You can sleep with the pigs," to the second guy "You can sleep with the cows," and to the third guy "You can sleep with my 18 lovely daughters."

    In the morning, the ranch owner asks the three men how they felt.

    The first guy said "like a pig."

    The second guy said "like a cow."

    The third guy put on a big smile and said "Like a golf ball. I've just been through 18 holes."

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    How are a woman and a frying pan similar?

    - You have to get both of them hot before you put the meat in.
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    A man walks into a urinal and sees a small man peeing. He says "I usually don't look, but you have a huge dick"

    Small man: Well I'm a leprechaun

    Man: Well can I have a wish?

    Leprechaun: Sure

    Man: Well can I have a big dick like you?

    Leprechaun.: Sure, in the morning you will wake up with a big dick

    Man: Well can I have a second wish?

    Leprechaun: Sure

    Man: "I want a pot of gold"

    Leprechaun: "Ok you will wake up tomorrow with a big dick and a pot of gold"

    Man: "Well can I have a third wish?"

    Leprechaun: "If you let me do you in the ass"

    Man: "Well, ok"

    So they do it Greek style

    Leprechaun: How old are you?

    Man: 35

    Leprechaun: A little old to be believing in leprechauns aren't we?

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    What do you call it when you have nuts on your chest?

    Chestnuts!


    What do call it when you have nuts on your chin?
    Blow-Job!
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    What is it called when you have your appendix removed?

    An appendectomy.

    What is it called when you have your tonsils removed?
    A tonsilectomy.

    What is it called when a women has her uteras removed?
    A historectomy.

    What is it called when a women has a sex change operation?
    An addadicktome.
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    Jim was dating a new girl. After dating a while he finally got around to the big question ... Sex?

    The answer was always no.

    Not being one to give up easily he finally talks her into letting him put just the head in, promising on his word of honor that he won't go any further.

    Well, the big moment arrived and he put just the head in, but not being able to stand the stress, he rammed it in as far as it would go. She said, Goddam that feels good, go ahead and put it all the way in!

    At that Jim says, hell no, a promise is a promise!

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    A truck driver was driving downhill pretty fast, he saw a couple making love in the middle of the road.

    He honked really loud but nothing could stir their heaty lovemaking session.

    He braked just inches away from the couple. He got down angrily and shouted at the couple, "Didn't you both hear my truck?"

    The guy replied finally after jerking off," You see, I was coming and she was coming, then you were coming, but you're the only one who had brakes."

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    Did you hear about the two gay judges who tried each other?