I thought I would put myself up for grabs. I'll mention my good points, I have no bad ones. Business owner Intelligent Can use spell checker Will pay for it as long as I get a VAT receipt Very little taste, alive is preferable but not essential as long as no more that 4 hours has passed Ginge, which is a bonus for those that like Twiglets From the Black Country, the home of the Industrial Revolution for the whole world. If I can't fix it, you are fcuked. Carrying enough spare fuel to survive the next Ice Age. Your skinny fcukers will all die and get eaten by Polar Bears when the asteroid strikes. Charming. Incredibly charming. Very good liar, I'll make you believe every lie I will, without a shadow of a doubt, tell you. Will pretend not to be laughing at your anus contracting in and out whilst shagging you doggy style . Will never mention that I saw your bum hole doing spasms. Promise not to discuss your anatomy with my mates. That is actually a total lie, I will tell them every single detail right down to your uncaught **** pube that got caught in my foreskin. However, I will convince you that I never said a thing. Will never mention your unbalanced breasts. Will never judge or mention the blood stained knickers you leave on the bathroom floor. Again, a lie. I will take great delight in secretly telling my mates that you are that dense you couldn't tell the difference between getting a bit moist and dumping a potential foetus. Will never cheat on you, ever. Will promise not to laugh when you believe me after I have said the above. Will respect you, always. As long as you make my food and iron my stuff. And accept that I will respect you as a cooker / ironer. Promise not to laugh or make judgement at your friends / families problems that you may want to discuss with me. Will sit there and happily listen and advise. As long as you are as equally understanding when I call / text / post everything you have told me for my mates to help out with, even if it seems they are having a bit of a laugh at your friend / families expense. You shouldn't complain when my friends suggest suicide. You must not, under any circumstances, get fat. Not because fat chicks are hideously unattractive and smell like a Tuna fishing vessel, but because it is bad for your health. On the flip side, you must allow me to look any way that my lifestyle allows, if I get fat that means my Man Sense is expecting a famine and I am doing you a favour in order to protect the family. Finally, you must, under all circumstances, do as I say. As the hunter / gatherer I know what's best. Knowing how to kill Bison is a far better skill than knowing what colour goes best with Hessian. We know better. Any takers should apply to firstname.lastname@example.org Good luck in your application, just don't expect miracles.