10. You refine heroin for a living, but have a moral objection to beer.. 9. You own a Â£1,500 machine gun and a Â£5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes. 8. You have more wives than teeth. 7. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide. 6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against. 5. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry ammunition in your clothes. 4. You've never been asked, "Does this burka make my arse look big?" 3. You're amazed to discover that mobile phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs. 2. A common compliment is, "I love what you've done with your cave." And, the NUMBER ONE SIGN you might be a member of the Taliban: 1. You wipe your arse with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean!