Scotland – An explanation

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by JoeCivvie, Jun 10, 2011.

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  1. I thought I would write a piece about Scotland for Wiki, but decided to check it for accuracy on here first.

    All comments welcome.

    Scotland didn’t exist until the Emperor Hadrian, correctly identifying the threat from Scandinavia (only 6 or 7 centuries too early) had a defensive wall built along the northern shoreline of what would later become England.

    His Sappers tipped the spoil from digging out the foundations of the wall in to the sea, and this spoil gradually settled to become land.

    The weight of the spoil disturbed the underlying geology off the sea-bed, resulting in unique deposits welling up through the settling land-mass. These included the spunk off long-dead dinosaurs, which rose through the earth to form porridge bogs; and dinosaur fat - rendered by the pressure of the earth above - which bubbled up to create Lard Geysers. Both these came to play a key role in the diet of the people who came later.

    No-one is exactly sure where the people who came to be known as ‘Scots’ came from , but modern Anthropologists speculate they may have come from the cross-breeding of dwarf Neanderthals with a now extinct species off particularly vicious Orang-Utangs resulting in the small, gingerish race which now inhabits Scotland.

    Possibly driven out of more civilised cultures, the ‘Scots’ arrived in Scotland and began to populate it. As TV had not yet been invented, the ‘Scots’ favourite pass-time was incest and so they lived in big family groups called ‘clans’ just to make getting a shag easier.

    From earliest times Scotland has been ruled by whoever could shout ‘let’s kill the English bastards’ the loudest. Previous kings of Scotland have included Sean the Wifebeater, Mel the Gibson, King Harry of Lauder and Alexfurgy the Mad. All the kings have had the same consort from time immemorial, Princess Susan of Boyle (alternating Wednesdays and afternoon matinees she may be replaced by Princess Janet of Krankies.

    From earliest times the ‘Scots’ have been natural Catholics as they enjoy many of the same foibles as Rome, i.e. dressing in women’s type clothing, talking unintelligible drivel, and molesting small children. However, some have broken away to form a counter-religion, and now the two main religions in Scotland are called ‘Rangers’ and ‘Celtic’.

    The ‘Scots’ distinctive national dress developed from the desire to easily rise and go to the ‘Brew’ to sign-on. Consequently they would get out of bed, draping their blanket around themselves and head out of the door. This developed in to the ‘kilt’, which also catered to the ‘Scots’ predilection for cross-dressing. Wearing a skirt also made it easier to molest small animals and sheep.

    The ‘Scots’ persisted in wearing skirts until the gentle civilising influence of the English made many ‘Scots’ realise that cross-dressing was not really on.

    There are many cultures in Scotland, the majority being treatable with antibiotics. The only incurable one is called ‘golf’, which results in the sufferer wearing loud clothes, lying, and driving around in a small clown car.

    Before the potato was brought back from the New World, the Scots diet consisted almost exclusively of porridge dug from the porridge bogs, and Haggis, a small wild animal related to the Treacle Badger.

    Their main drink, ‘whisky’, is actually Haggis piss. Single ‘malt’ whisky is taken from older, wilier Haggis which are more difficult to catch, hence the commensurate rise in cost.
    Following the introduction of the potato, the ‘Scots’ discovered that dipping them in the Lard Geysers resulted in them becoming fried. By cutting potatoes in to small pieces to speed cooking time, the ‘chip’ was invented, and this is now the staple food. In recent times many non-indigenous food-stuffs have been imported in to Scotland, but all are, by tradition, fried.

    The main exports from Scotland are:
    Swearing, fighting, shouting unintelligibly, whisky, soldiers, loud golfing clothes.
    • Like Like x 26
  2. Gallus.......
    • Like Like x 1
  3. 3/10

    You forgot to mention heroin.
  4. Admittedly funny, but we must be running short on "Help with a walt", "Why are paras shit" and "Which Arrse members arse can I kiss today" threads if we're back to the "Lets take the piss out of the Jocks" thread.
    • Like Like x 4
  5. should'nt that read Scotland An Apology for existing
  6. wedge_cadman

    wedge_cadman War Hero Reviewer Book Reviewer

    National income. Comes from taking spams on a haggis shoot.
    Sport. No sport to talk about. But they do try to emulate other countries by attempting to copy football and rugby.

    Or something along those lines. ;)
    • Like Like x 1
  7. I thought that, given the recent 'I hate the Welsh' thread I should be an equal opportunity piss-taker.
  8. Our main export will soon be water.

    I believe our southern neighbours are running low.
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  9. Auld-Yin

    Auld-Yin LE Reviewer Book Reviewer Reviews Editor

    The Good Lord gave Scotland, wonderful people, lovely country and whisky amongst so many other bounties. However, to balance this he made sure that Scotland was given shite neighbours.

    Yes, I know that this is old, in fact probably almost as old as the shite in the first post :) Still, I suppose we should be sorry for the poor southern pooftas, they must be feeling insecure again to start off this thread - yet again!
    • Like Like x 3
  10. IN THE BEGINNING, The Lord Almighty, sitting on His throne
    on high, turned to the Archangel Gabriel, and said, "Gabe, I'm
    going to create Scotland today. I will make it a country of dark,
    beautiful mountains, purple glens and rich green forests. I will
    give it clear, swiftly flowing rivers and I will fill them with salmon
    and trout. The land will be lush and fertile, on which the people
    will grow barley to brew into amber nectar that will be much in
    demand the world over. Underneath the land I shall place rich
    seams of coal. In the waters around the shores there will be an
    abundance of fish and beneath the seabed there will be vast
    deposits of oil and gas..."
    "Excuse me Sire", interrupted the Archangel Gabriel, "Don't you
    think you are being a bit too generous to these Scots?"
    "Think so?" asked the Lord, "Wait till you see the neighbours..."
  11. When MacNab moved to London he constantly annoyed his English
    acquaintances by boasting about how great Scotland was. Finally, in
    exasperation, one said, "Well, if Scotland's so marvellous, how come
    you didn't stay there?"
    "Well," explained MacNab, "they're all so clever up there I had to come
    down here to have any chance of making it at all."
  12. A Scotsman, Englishman and Nigerian are all in the Maternity ward. The Doctor comes through with congratulations to them all, explaining that they are all the proud new fathers of baby sons. However he says, there has been a problem.
    "We were really busy, and somehow we have managed to get your three sons mixed up."
    In order to sort the situation out the Doctor suggests they draw lots to see who gets first choice.
    The result is that the Scotsman gets first choice. The Doctor takes the Scotsman through to the 3 babies.
    "I'll take that one" he says pointing to the little black child.
    "Hold on" says the Doctor "that's obviously not your son, he's black and both you and your wife are white!"
    "I know," replies the Scotsman, "but one of the other two is English, and I am just not prepared to take the risk."
    • Like Like x 4
  13. I have always believed this was a myth, Auld Yin. Granted, I'm just a mere fetus in comparison to your good self, trying to make his way in life, and I no doubt have much to learn. But I've been all around the country and the only conclusion I have ever came to is: "Shitehole".
  14. That's true - I was up in the land of the oatmeal ethnics for 3 separate weeks in May. One week, I landed at Glasgow in the rain on Sunday morning and left the following Friday lunchtime and it didn't stop raining the whole time I was there.
  15. Self-deprecation is a wonderful thing but "Peter Dow" will not be amused!! Expect incoming from him.