Science Humour?

#1
I saw a book on Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - just had to buy it. Fit's in nicely with the other 2,329 I've got arranged in alphabetical order in my library.

Also saw a good book on Multiple Personality Disorder - I was in two minds as to whether to buy it or not.

A friend bought me a book on overcoming irrational fears. I've got Bibliophobia. :-(
 
B

Boozy

Guest
#2
"If the universe is expanding, Why can't I find a parking space?"

"Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of"

"If scientists are so smart, why do they all count backwards?"

"If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate"

"A friend sent me a postcard with a satellite picture of the entire planet taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here".

"The surest sign of intelligent life elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us"

"Scientists have discovered a noise just prior to the big bang that sounds something like 'oops' "

"not all chemicals are bad. Without hydrogen and oxygen for example, there would be no way to make water... a vital ingredient in beer"
 
#4
There are 10 types of people who understand binary. Those who do and those who don't.

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a pint. "How much?" he asks.
"For you, no charge" replies the barman.

I prefer to call OCD CDO, that way it is in alphabetical order as it should be.
 
#5
A vacuum is an empty region of space where the Pope lives.

Entropy isn't what it used to be.
 
S

Snoreador

Guest
#6
Q. Two cats are sitting on a roof, which one falls off first?
A. The one with the smallest mew.

A good phrase to utter when leaving a room: "Let's make like a field and get the flux out of here"

sin(x), cos(x) and e^x go to a party. sin(x) and cos(x) are right in there, getting all the ladies, pouring drinks, downing pints (probably getting naked too). e^x is all by himself in the corner, nobody's really speaking to him, and he's clearly a bit down. sin(x) and cos(x) go to talk with him, and encourage him to join in. "Come on e^x, why don't you come and integrate with us?". "No" he replied, "it wouldn't make any difference".

I'm very sorry, I'll stop now.
 
#7
Two atoms are talking in a bar. One says to the other, "You're looking a bit miserable! What's the matter?" "You're right!" Says the other atom, "I've lost one of my electrons." "Are you sure?" asks his friend, " Yes," comes the reply, "I'm positive."
 
#8
Protons have mass?? I didn't know that they were catholic...

Where does bad light go? A prism.

Heisenberg was stopped by policemen for speeding. They asked him if he knew how fast he was going. He replied
"No, but I do know exactly where I am"

Pi says to the square root of -1
"Get real!"
"Not until you're rational!"

Black Holes destroy things? I didn't know physics was racist...

Particle physics gives me a Hadron

:D
 

Fang_Farrier

LE
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
#9
What does DNA stand for?

National Dyslexics Association
 
#10
There was a young scientist called Dwight
who could travel much faster than light.
He departed one day
in a relative way
and returned on the previous night.
 
#11
You're an engineer if you can prove it mathematically...
If you ever take something apart and put it back together with pieces left over you have just found a new way of making it more efficient.
 
#12
Albert Einstein......

"Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one."

"Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new."

"Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen."

"Technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal."

"If A is a success in life, then A equals x plus y plus z. Work is x; y is play; and z is keeping your mouth shut."

"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe."

"Peace cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved by understanding."
 
B

Boozy

Guest
#13
Power, Work, and Energy are walking along when suddenly someone walks up and kicks energy. All three fall down in agony.
"Hey!" yells energy, "I'm the one that got hit, not you guys! Why are you moaning?"
"Are you kidding?" Yells Power. "We just got kicked in the Joules!"
 
#14
Q: What did the hippocampus say at its retirement?

A: Thanks for the memories.


Q: What did the amygdala say at its retirement?

A: It's been emotional.



Q: Why did the neuron see a therapist?

A: Because it had trouble controlling its impulses.



Q: Why did the action potential cross the optic chasm?

A: To get to the other side.
 
#15
Q: What did the hippocampus say at its retirement?
A: Thanks for the memories.

Q: What did the amygdala say at its retirement?
A: It's been emotional.

Q: Why did the neuron see a therapist?
A: Because it had trouble controlling its impulses.

Q: Why did the action potential cross the optic chasm?
A: To get to the other side.
Fills me with glee, AL.

Hah! Some people have got a nerve! I thought these jokes had a cell-by date?

-----------------------

Would the action potential have really crossed the optic chasm to see what was on the other side?
 
#16
BBC News Headlines .... At Heathrow Airport today, a university mathematics lecturer was arrested while attempting to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor and a graphical calculator. According to police he is believed to have ties to the Al-Gebra network. He will be charged later today with carrying weapons of maths instruction. It also suspected that he taught his students to solve their calculations with the help of radicals!
 
#17
Q: Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex?
A: Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position!

:D
 
#19
Q: Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex?
A: Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position!

:D
Oh, I don't know - the wife always gives a deep psi when we become entangled. :twisted:
 
#20
HUMATRANS

(A Transportation Device for Homo Sapiens)

Abstract
This device principally operates on the
transmission of mechanical energy delivered
from the payload to circular rotators that
enable positive displacement of the operating
system. The linear motion of the payload
energy source is converted to circular motion
in the device.

1. COMPONENTS AND OPERATION

1.1 FRAMEWORK

The device is built around a triangular framework, to ensure
structural stability[1]. Its tubular construction enables
reduced gravitational load[2] without sacrificing mechanical
integrity. All the remaining components are mounted on this
structure.

1.2 BRANCHED COUPLERS

On this framework, two rotators are mounted through a pair of
branched couplers. The aft coupler is linear, while the forward
coupler is semi-parabolic[3]. Its non-radial orientation ensures
automatic return to default theta setting on normal operating
surfaces. Its non-linearity provides partial attenuation of low
frequency oscillations. The forward coupler is coincident with
the theta control.

1.3 ROTATORS

Each of the rotators has a cylindrical axial support at which
place the coupler is joined. The grooved peripheral structure is
connected to the axial support by a set of pre-stressed off-
radial connectors. These connectors ensure relatively evenly
distributed load. The peripheral structure carries an annular
cover made of isoprene polymer duly processed with sulfur. The
interstice between the cover and the peripheral structure is
charged with a gaseous mixture of nitrogen, oxygen and other rare
gases[4]. The gas mixture is prevented from leakage by a gas
retainer.

1.4 GROOVED LAMINAS

Semi-circular grooved laminas are mounted in proximity to both
rotators. These prevent a slurry of SiO2, Fe2O3 and H2O from
contaminating the energy source and operator from the operating
surface. These usually terminate in isoprene polymer extenders.

1.5 DECELERATION CONTROL

In operation, the rotators can be rapidly decelerated in the case
of necessity. This is accomplished by depressing either or both
the deceleration control bars on the theta control. These apply
instantaneous large mechanical loads on the rotators by
depressing isoprene polymer pads on the grooved peripheral
devices.

1.6 ENERGY RECEIVERS AND TRANSMITTERS

The aft rotator carries several circular energy receivers. These
receivers have finite discontinuities on their circumference.
The receivers are ordered in increasing radii. Each is
concentric with the aft axial support. A discrete endless
coupled energy transfer device connects any one of these
receivers to one of the two energy transmitters of similar
structure. These energy transmitter devices are mounted at the
lower apex of the main triangular framework. The transmitters
can be set in motion by imparting angular momentum via an
orthogonal radial shaft. This shaft carries a perpendicular
extension. The planarity of the extension is necessitated for
positioning the operator's energy output source. This extension
is pivoted to eliminate torsion of the energy source.

- 3 -

1.7 DECOUPLING MECHANISM

There is an ingeneous decoupling mechanism in the energy transfer
device. While positive angular momenta are transferred from the
energy transmitter to the receiver, the positive angular momenta
of the receiver are not transmitted to the transmitter. This
permits the energy source to be stressless during gravitationally
favorable transportation environments.

1.8 THETA CONTROL

Orientation mobility is ensured by a theta control. This is
connected to the forward rotator coupler. This has a short arm
symmetrically orthogonal to its main axis. It can be used to set
theta from -pi/2 to pi/2 radians continuously and it defaults to
zero on normal operating surfaces. The theta control usually
carries additional controls that select combinations of the
energy transmitters and receivers. These selections enable
nearly continuous variation of angular momentum ratios between
the energy source and the rotators.

1.9 POLYMER BASE

A polymer base is securely mounted at the rear apex of the
triangular framework. This supports the operator during
operation. It is usually buffered by metallic helices[5] to
minimize the transmission of low frequency oscillations from the
operating surface to the operator.

2. ACCESSORIES (Only on some models)

2.1 ENERGY CONVERSION DEVICE

An energy conversion device is used to convert mechanical energy
into electrical energy by electromechanical induction[6]. The
electrical flux generates a stream of photons by resistance[7]
flow through a conductor enclosed in vacuum[8]. The photon
stream enables optical feedback to improve when the ambient
radiation characteristics are below optimum.

2.2 AUDIO-FREQUENCY SYNTHESIZER

An audio-frequency synthesizer for generating approach signals is
used to transmit early warning messages to surrounding areas to
avert a possible momentum transfer.

- 4 -

2.3 EXTRA PAYLOAD SUPPORT

Extra payload can be transported by a support device. This is
mounted vertically above the aft rotator and is connected to the
aft axial coupler.

3. GENERAL REMARKS

The device is ecologically excellent since it is totally non-
contaminating. It is relatively very inexpensive, very easy to
maintain[9] and often portable. Its reduced width requirements
and height make it ideal for almost any kind of operating
surface. It also provides much-needed muscular training to the
users, besides agreeable diversement.

However, it is not self-propelled and so tends to deplete the
energy source during prolonged operations. It is a low-priority
device on most operating surfaces since it does not reach high
linear velocities. Due to its reduced gravitational stability,
the operator must be cautious not to provide a cushion[10] for
the internal combustion driven devices.

It cannot be computerized.

- 5 -

REFERENCES

1. Euclid, Principia Triangularica Stabilica, (Latin
Transl.), 45, 120 (145 B.C.).

2. Newton, I., J. Grav., 1, 1 (1705).

3. The exact equation is beyond the scope of this document.
A detailed explanation can be found in J. Math.
Parabol., -25, 45 (2045).

4. Lavoisier, A-L, Sur la Composition de l'Aire, Paris
Bench Press, Paris, 1781, Chapter 4, pp 104-121.

5. For a description of helices, see Watson, Crick and
Wilkins, Nobel Prize Acceptance Speech, Stockholm, 1962.

6. Faraday, M., Electromagnetic Ind., 4, 1 (1833).

7. Ohm, G.S., Proc. Roy. Soc. Elec. Engg., 222 (1827).

8. Edison, T.A., U.S.Patent No. 413478345 (1883).

9. This is essentially adding a mixture of higher alkanes.

10. Bureau of Statistics, Report on the Number of
Fatalities, Section 8, Table 19, p 153 (1979).
 
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