Saying Grace at meals

I been asked to say Grace at a mates wedding. I don't want to do the normal "For what we are about to receive etc etc".
If anybody has got any funnies they would be gratefully received but please bear in mind I am of a sensitive nature.......not

Deleted 20555

While we pray and close our eyes, may the meal grow TWICE in size!!

Boarding's left scars....
Good Food, Good Meat, Good God lets eat!
Dear Lord, we ask you if you will,
put your blessing on this meal.
We ask you Father, if it pleases,
protect us from these new diseases.

Please bless the spinach, and the romaine.
And cleanse it of some lurking ptomaine.
God, bless our ice cream and our cola.
Pray it's not teaming with ebola.

And pray the deli didn't sell us
coleslaw ripe with salmonellus.
We also ask a special blessing;
no botulism in the dressing.

While we regard your higher power,
make sure the deviled eggs aren't sour.
And please Lord, bless our sirloin tip,
and purge it of E. Coli's grip.

A special blessing on the sherry,
oh Lord, we need no dysentery,
so it not poisons, nor impacts,
or liquefies our lower tracts.

And Lord, make sure no one is able
to get sick and die upon this table.
So bless, Lord, all this food we share.
Insure no deadly virus there.

And once we're full and satiated,
we pray we aren't all contaminated,
and wind up just another toll,
for the Center for Disease Control.

One last thing Lord, if it's OK,
Please hold this blessing that we pray.
For all this fear, and all this fright,
has made us lose our appetite.

As said by the padre at a dining out last year

Rub a dub dub, thanks for the grub. amen.
Catholic School Girl's Prayer:

O virgin mother, we believe -
that you without sin did conceive.
So tell us then, how thus believing,
We can sin without conceiving.

Good Lord - Bless these sinners as they eat their dinners. Amen
Let us thank God for food when others are hungry; for drink when others are thirsty; for friends when others are lonely. Amen.
Heavenly Father, we ask you to bless this food and those who prepared it and those who will serve it. We also ask your blessing on [bride's name] and [bridegroom's name] who have come to you this day to unite themselves to you in love and sacrament, and upon their families. In Jesus' love.... Amen.
Some hae meat and canae eat
And some can eat that want it
But we hae meat
And we can eat
So tae the Lord be thankit!
O vengeful lord on high, creator and destroyer of worlds, smite those here gathered who reject thee and bring a plague upon their families. I ask you Yahweh, bring fourth a great famine and starve those evil doers who reject your sustaining bounty before us today. I beg of you great Jahovah, come upon all the infidels with a swift sword, burn the flesh of the apostates gathered here and lace their cups with a holy poisen. Lord I did pray for floods upon the land to wash away the sinful, now I ask you to bless our meal, while you do so I beseech thee to wipe out the hippy hordes who curse thy name and destroy ye the Pikey Chav's amongst us. Lord make fire and ash to rain upon all those of other faiths who do not worship thee, wipe France & Belgium from the map, upon Germany deficate and in America let yellow snow befall them. Amen!
I love my veg, I love my meat, I love the Lord, Now lets all eat.



We give you thanks for food and wine,
For the chefs and all who serve us.
From drunkeness and rowdy times,
Dear Lord, we pray, preserve us.
Yet, should we to temptation fall,
We pray you will forgive us,
And look kindly on us, sinners all,
And, God preserve our livers.

Least apt, but probably best received, our Padre on the eve of DS1: "Gentlemen, the Field Prayer of the 52nd Division. Oh Lord, we ask that you judge between us and our enemies, and if it be Thy will, grant us victory. Amen."

Short, to the point and covers a multitude of sins, just like the honeymoon should be.
In a rousing, James Brown-style church voice:

"Oh Lord! There is many people in the world this day, ain't got no dinner. An' we pray, oh Lord, yeah we prays, the next half-hour don't prove them to be ... truly, the lucky ones. Amen"

Latest Threads