Save the Army Money - GET FAT

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by PK, Jun 4, 2005.

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  1. PK

    PK Old-Salt

    Gotta envey them sometimes. Granted they can't do soldier like things such as pass a BPFA or BCFT but who needs fitness in this modern army anyway???

    Lets think about this for a second. The fat bloke (or bird) can be put into two categories:

    1) Downgraded and Fat - not nessecarly entirley their own fault but it still happens

    2) Generally Fat - Usually their own fault

    In both cases the fat person (so as to be gender inspesific :roll: ) has got this way due to lack of exercise burning off those lovely meals from the cookhouse.

    Now it is, in my opinion, impossible (or rather hard at best) to get fat eating 3 square meals a day and just going about your normal work which leads me to conclude that the fat person is infact spending their own money on more food to consume at a time that suits them best.

    Now for the point I'm getting to . . . fat persons (mainly catagory 2) can save the army money :roll:

    "How is this?" I hear you cry. Well firstly a catagory 2 fat person does not take any more money out of the system than your standard 'I can pass a BPFA/BCFT' soldier. Therefore we are spending the same amount of money at the moment. Here are a list of things that a fat person does not require that the army can get rid of to save money:

    1) PTI's/Gym's - lets face it the fat person is fat and isn't interested in PT
    2) Warm Kit - a fat person can provide all of this on or about their person
    3) Bergens - a fat person can get so many pouches around their webbing that a bergen is no longer required
    4) Spare/Emergancy Rations - a fat person can provided their own emergancy rations in the form of body fat . . . failing that they always seem to be able to find a mars bar somewhere . . .
    5) Matresses/Blankets - who needs one when you've got all that nice warm fat to bounce around on and keep you warm

    Another benefit is that fat people are jolly people, they only get put down by skinny people telling them how fat they are. Therefore if the entire Army is fat this problem is eliminated thus reducing bullying and sucides across the Army as a whole.

    I'm sure there are many more things that the army could save money on through making all it's soldiers fat. Also with the way technology is going it's all going to be robots and bombs before too long so a fat 'playstation generation' soldier will be ideal :lol:

    I rest my case . . .
  2. COOL................lets eat
  3. Already half way there :wink:
    Pass me another Ginsters...
  4. As a fat - but only now I'm very old - person, I reckon PK has hit nail on head. Also saving on sanger materials - just pile up the fat bstards. They float well so could use to wade armoured vehicles. However, this new and radical thinking does not go far enough - what about skinny gyts, spotty faced nerks and japanese sniper-type spectacle wearers?
  5. wow for the first time ever the bull feels wanted :wink:
  6. Is it unethical to skin dead fat b@stards and make cold weather outfits for the skinny ones?
  7. SO.....When and where were you molested?
  8. or just sigs
  9. An admirable sentiment, and some crackin ideas but as I was perusing this thread my giggles turned into full fledged belly laughs, this started my ample figure vibrating, causing shockwaves to eminate in the general direction of the cup of coffee on my desk. The resultant spillage ruined my keyboard. Said keyboard will be replaced by HM Forces therefore costing the Army money! Only a small anomaly in an otherwise seemingly faultless plan but surely something to be aware of.
  10. PK

    PK Old-Salt

    The system we currently have of making fat people thin more commonly known as rehab would simply be reversed ie fat people would educate thin people into spending their hard earned money on additional food.

    Under the system outlined above this would not be nessecary as all thin people would be fat too.

    About two weeks ago by some fat bird, however this all stems from packing for exercise and realising if i was fatter i wouldn't have to carry as much kit and would be able to fit it all in my many pouches around my webbing :wink:

    As for brain_fart i can only suggest sitting on a bean bag when working at your computer. This should absorb all the vibrations and/or shockwaves from the belly laughing thus preventing your coffee from spilling. Thank you for highlighting this issue and in the grand scheme of things I feel buying bean beags for all computer users would be cheaper than constantly replacing key boards :D

    Can you tell I've had a really boring weekend yet??? :lol: :roll:
  11. PK quoted "As for brain_fart i can only suggest sitting on a bean bag when working at your computer. This should absorb all the vibrations and/or shockwaves from the belly laughing thus preventing your coffee from spilling. Thank you for highlighting this issue and in the grand scheme of things I feel buying bean beags for all computer users would be cheaper than constantly replacing key boards :D"

    PK. Stop and think what you are saying...Have you considered the consequences of fatties (affectionate term) dumping themselves onto beanbags? Feckin polystyrene 'snow showers' from Lands End to John o' Groats :lol:
  12. Thanks for that C untos.

    Right then lets think about your fine bit of writing here the catagory 2 soldier as you suggested is not as useful as you would think. PTI's are still required because the reason most catagory 2 fatties (who are very rare in my opinion) actually do PT and take part in sports and other activities. If they dont then surely that should put them in catagory 1. The lazy useless fatties your cleary taking a dig at are all catagory 1 they are just far to lazy to actually go to the med centre and get downgraded so the spend their time thinking up new and unusual ways to avoid PT.

    Ok serious bit over.

    Some of your suggestions are cleary laughable. The idea that fat people can get more kit on their webbing belt for 1. Dont you know that under the current military system of kit issues all fat people get issued a medium webbing belt (or if they have run out a small) Therefor your idea is flawed because most of the pouchs get sucked into our rolls of fat. And a fat person would actually require a bigger bergan to accomodate his larger and heavier clothes.

    PTI's As i previously stated the fat person has bigger clothes therefor his kit in itself is heavier requiring bigger bergans that weigh more. This would mean the CFT weight would have to be increased to overcome this but as everybody is fat more training is required. You could say a fat person would drive everywhere but this would require a continuos and lenghty plan of Axl strengthening for all military vehicles to accomodate the extra weight. This would clearly cost more money as well as more vehicle maintence being required.

    The bedding suggestion is also flawed as the current standard of army bed could not support your new fatter army leading to more fat related back problems causing an overworked med centre and more catagory 1's

    Spare/emergency rations is laughable as the fat person requires more food to maintain his fatness and on ex/ops it's a bit difficult to get down greggs for a meat and potatoe so the army would have to put money into providing these to keep the fatties happy therefor preventing an uprising and a go slow (or slower in any case) or worse the army would have thousands of angry fatties on their hands and trust me on this an angry, hungry fatty is very difficult to manage.

    The final idea that fat people are jollty peopleand opnly get put down by skinny people is also laughable. A true fat person would not let a simple skinny guy get to him, he'd hapilly point out that he's just jealous cos a fat guy is the only bloke in the world who can wear a hawian shirt and not look gay. He would also point out that the fat kid is handy because he usually haslower standards therefor always willing to take one for the team on on a nightout.

    So people lets not have a fat army, it wouldnt save money. The happy medium needs to be maintained so every unit will always have someone to play santa at the kids Christmas party.
  13. PK

    PK Old-Salt

    I am actually really bored sooo . . .

    I thank you :wink:

    This is a valid point therefore in light of this I reccomend that the Army is only made up of catagory 1 soldiers therefore eliminating the need for PTI's as catagory 1 soldiers are unwilling to do PT. This also eliminates the need for gyms and gym equipment as previuosly stated.

    With money saved on not buying gym equipment and training PTI's I think the Army should be able to afford to issue a second belt to all soldiers thereby making it more comfortable and thus preventing the sucking issue. Just because soldiers are fat does not nessecarly make them mong soldiers so therefore they would understand the wet/dry routine on exercise eliminating the need for excessive spare clothes which would fit into what is effectivly known as a 'double set of webbing'

    CFT's would not be required as fitness makes people thin which would undermine the ethos of this move :lol:

    At this present moment in time the Army is looking at buying vehicles with stronger axles due to the weight of Bowman. As Bowman is tosh we can get rid of that but contine to procure the new vehicles to transport the fat Army.

    Okay you've got me here. The current bed does struggle to support my slim frame so yes we would have to look at new beds. I do not see this as a major problem due to money saved in other areas.

    Maybe this bit didn't come across right. What I was trying to get across was the fact that fat persons are the best scavangers/foragers in the Army due to the fact that you NEVER see them without food. Owing to this fact emergancy rations are not required because the fat person WILL find a way of getting food using their own initiative.

    In the long run I envisage removing cookhouses all together as the fat soldiers scavanging and foraging skills build up over time. I would stress that this is a long term plan and they're not going to be removed tomorrow.

    The point on hungry fattys has been noted and a soloution is currently being worked on . . .

    Thus reinforcing my point about fat people being jolly and having high moral and so on and so forth. Less suicides and less bullying equals happier Army :D

    No lets, it could be entertaining AND of course money saving :roll: :lol:
  14. I have another one of my cunning plans involving the use of the new fat army. Instead of the Engineers spending all that money on bridging equipment, we could employ 1st FatBarstewarts Royal Engineer Regiment. March them to the area that needs bridging and chain a few hundred of them together. Have the RMP drive a few route signs into several arrses along the line of fatbodies and whay hey! Bloater Bridge* is born straight along the MSR.

    *Patent Pending SuperTrooper