Sausage etiquette

Being of the old school, I don't like to tread on people's toes, so I'm after some advice...

The background is that I've been in the Land of the Long Corridor for a week and there's a tin of Westler's Sausages in Lard in the fridge in the tea room. It's a week and the tin is still there, unopened.

Is this a kind invite to visitors to help themselves? Or is it a subtle way of indicating that there's a fellow ARRSEr about? (It's an ARRSE secret, right?)

If I do decide to take the can back to my pit, is it customary to leave the middle sausage on a plate so that the owner gets a share?

And should I bring the can (and sausages) back the next morning or should I pass it round the other blokes in the billet?

If I do bring the can back, should I put it back in the fridge? If so, should I replace the sausage?

I've been looking at the can for a few days now, but I've resisted because I'm not sure of the polite thing to do.
The correct etiquette, given that they're Westlers snorkers cooked in lard, is to flush them down the bog and get some proper bangers from a local supplier; pork and apple, extracted from pigs who only eat acorns and who are massaged daily in stout.

Eating a Westlers 'sausage' is like eating a tramp's cock, even if you're completely pissed and starving at the time.

Where did I say anything about eating?
You mean you were going to "help yourself" just to re-enact the scene from "In Which We Serve"? Or something more revolting.

Bad form, old boy. The last time I saw a Westler's lardy, it was peeping out of our Head Boy's anus. I had to pay 6 bob to see it.
With regard to trying to trace the owner, my detective persona suggests:

The owner is on a married unaccompanied posting.
The owner has been married for more than a week.

Why else keep an unopened tin in the fridge?
Given the time of day (or should I say night) the correct etiquette should be.

1. Open the tin
2. Extract the middle sausage and insert your own.
3. Move said can back and forth rapidly until you deposit your own lard
4. Wipe sausage (yours) on nearest available quilt / curtain / sprog (delete as neccesary)
5. Get your head down

NB - Watch your cock on the jagged edges of the tin unless you want a diy circumsicion

Note I have never done this and it's only a suggestion
Sod the etiquette, just claim ownership of the said tin of sausages due to the fact they have been untouched in a communal fridge without a name on it for a week.
The drill is simple and unchanging, you eat the sausages cold without remorse, rub the lard into any washing on the line, other peoples towels, or the carpet, take a dump into the empty tin before placing it in the microwave next to the charred hedghog and tuning it all once more for maximum smoke, borrow some money before give everyone in reach a hefty thick ear and going back to the pub!
I now shamefully realise I've been doing things the wrong way for so many years.

Oh well! Better late than never.
Be careful here. Have you actually picked up the tin and checked it hasn't been opened on the base?

This might be reason it is in the fridge - to stop the lard melting and dribbling all over the place.
Shitty death, are you back in the Falklands?

Any hole's a goal mate.
Mmm, nice SLR rear rank right hand marker.

With regard to the Westlers if there's some Colemans English Mustard available slaver it on to make more palatable, otherwise follow CERNUNNOS' advice.
Be careful here. Have you actually picked up the tin and checked it hasn't been opened on the base?

This might be reason it is in the fridge - to stop the lard melting and dribbling all over the place.
Good advice there.

Once checked, and confirmed as sealed.

1) Remove the label using warm water and dry.

2) Put your initials on the tin using felt tip.

3) Wait, say 3 days.

4) Fill your boots. (metaphorically)


Book Reviewer
Oh, well. I suppose there are such things as gifted amateurs.

Take a quality tin opener. Turn it sideways so it cuts into the side of the can, rather than the top. Remove the lardy muck. Shit in the tin. Replace the lid and glue carefully with glue / epoxy / whatever. Replace tin in fridge.
Should this thread be merged with the one about "Tender Tezzies" - Especially if you are adding quality mustard?
Use the tin, minus middle sausage. Re-insert middle sausage. give tin to nearest tramp.

Hey Presto! Unused food is donated to the homeless, who need the protein, and the food hoarder is shamed in front of their peers as a selfish type. You are now a concerned citizen, along the lines of Vanessa Redgrave.

Damn! It was going well up to that point.
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