Santa's dead, here's the proof

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous Jokes' started by 1RS-4GS, Dec 24, 2010.

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  1. Ok I know thios is older than God's grandad but here goes;

    There are approximately two billion children in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the population reference bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, this comes to 108 million homes, presuming there is at least one good child in each.

    Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stocking, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house.

    Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second or 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.

    The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming each child gets nothing more than a medium sized LEGO set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer can pull 10 times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them, Santa would need 360,000 of them.

    This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch). A mass of nearly 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would adsorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each.

    In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.

    Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 miles/second in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,000 g's. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim considering all the high-calorie snacks he must have consumed over the years) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.
     
  2. Father Christmas exists though! Santa is for septics.
     
  3. Maybe there is more than 1.
     
  4. Yep, really old. But there is, of course, the fatal flaw in your reasoning. You are forgetting that Father Christmas is magic and all laws of physics, aerodynamics and RAF movers do not apply.
     
  5. ...and he can be found here.
     

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  6. There was no need to spoil her day.
     

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  7. Also have you looked in tot he fact that "Santa" does not visit every country in Europe? For exmaple in Russia it's Babushka. Also that Orthodox culture dishes out the presents on the 6th Jan (So take Serbia, North Bosnia (Republika Serbska), Bulgaria, Greece, Cyrpus and Romania out of the Christmas eve mad dash. Then I know in Poland they open there presents on Christmas eve.

    So when you re-arrange all of your firgures to take out various other cultures that don't really do presents on Christmas day, the old git has a bit easy really!

    Besides - slate him and you'll end up getting a sack off coal tomorrow morning! (Or a curly whip in your stocking when you wake up)!
     
  8. It won't be his kids. He only comes once a year...and then it's in their stockings.
     
  9. Proof enough?

    [​IMG]
     
  10. No presents for you this year you Dutch killjoy!!

    Happy Xmas mate!
     
  11. Fucking grinch, thanx 700 quid and my son just seen Santa's dead, you bastard. 23 years I've kept up the pretence that Santa's real only for you to unravel it.
     
  12. Santa is an anagram of Satan. And also wears red clothes. And entices children with free gifts and sweets. The bloody paedo.

    [​IMG]
     
  13. he died of laughter
     

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  14. Happy Christmas to you and the missus too buddy!