Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Peter_G, Dec 13, 2008.

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  1. 1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

    2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT, since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

    3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding, etc.

    This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

    4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

    5) 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

    In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now, also this makes every parent who tells their kids they've seen Santa, and every service that claims to have any links with Santa are in-fact lying c**ts.

    Merry Christmas.
  2. Waddya mean there's no Santa :crying:
  3. someone was bored this morning!!
  4. It's morning? sh*t.
  5. depending on what time you got up, yip it is!
  6. night night
  7. sweet dreams
  8. Command_doh

    Command_doh LE Book Reviewer

    I'm still awake, and this revelation has ruined my life. Whats the point, now I know Father Christmas is a myth?
  9. revelations aren't always true, my dear! you must believe for him to be real!!!! :santa:
  10. Santa is real. Peter G is a figment of our collective imaginations.
  11. Santa is real. The myth is that there is A Santa.

    There are lots of them. It's a franchise opportunity. The elves are the real bosses. Santas are just the truck drivers and PR personnel.

    If you don't believe me, just look in any town. You'll find more than a few grottos.

    So you can take Peter G's figures and divide them by hundreds of thousands. Then you'll realise that it's quite easily possible.

    And all the reindeer poo is collected to be used as fertiliser for the following year's christmas trees.

    PS I've seen Santa 'cos I'm a dad.
  12. Mrs T tells me that Santa's the real father of our kids.,so he must exist.

    And Peter_G,if Santa doesn't exist where the fcuk have all the presents gone that I wrapped last week?
  13. And that's another fucking thing...

    Is your Santa O Pos? The wife and I are A Pos, yet the kids are...

    Fuck it. I'm staying up this Xmas eve. I need to have a word.

    Sorry to all the kids west of me.
  14. I'm O Pos,does that help?

    Santa isn't a gwar,none of the T family are gwars

    Edited to add,apparently Santa is having a parade in town this morning,keep yer eyes out.
  15. If you're O pos, then you can live in Airy Fairy Land.

    Mine aren't gwars either, but if my son's tache doesn't change colour soon..