Santa Claus

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by DodgerH, Dec 2, 2005.

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  1. Santa Claus

    > > I.There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the
    > > world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu,
    > > Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas
    > > night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population
    > > Reference Bureau). At an average(census) rate of 3.5 children per house
    > > hold, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least
    > > one good child in each.
    > >
    > > II. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the
    > > different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels
    > > east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per
    > > second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good
    > > child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out,
    > > jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining
    > > presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get
    > > back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house.
    > > Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around
    > > the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the
    > > purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per
    > > household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops
    > > or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second or
    > > 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest
    > > man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per
    > > second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.
    > >
    > > III.The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming
    > > that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two
    > > pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa
    > > himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300
    > > pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the
    > > normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them ---
    > > Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting
    > > the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly even times the
    > > weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).
    > >
    > > IV. 600,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second crates enormous air
    > > resistance --- this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a
    > > spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer
    > > would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short,
    > > they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer
    > > behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire
    > > reindeer team would be vaporised within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or
    > > right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not that
    > > it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead
    > > stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to centrifugal
    > > forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim)
    > > would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force,
    > > instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering
    > > blob of pink goo.
    > >
    > > V. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.
  2. There always has to be one cnut to spoil christmas.

    You, Sir, are it.
  3. this comes out every year.....
  4. Well You have missed out one major point. santa is a robot! and his sleigh is actually a delorion fitted with flux capacitor which im afraid to tell you my friend... Is what makes time travel possible!!!
  5. 307

    307 War Hero

    Yeah but you're all forgetting he's magic........isn't he?
  6. its also powered by cnuts, no problem with power this year
  7. Fang_Farrier

    Fang_Farrier LE Reviewer Book Reviewer

    That's ok I like my Venison crispy!
  8. hehehe! Well in
  9. Bah, humbug...

    No presents for you then this Christmas!
  10. Dont know if hes magic or not - but he wont becoming this year cos ive just fried the drunkent old fart on ta-sigs stupid came in the xmas came board - so children dont expect any pressies ok.
  11. "Mummy, why didn't Santa come this year?"
  12. cos some miserable git called oscain fried him playing a stupid game
  13. Hey it's not my game, fartsac posted it, I just have the best score - Santa Killer!! :D
  14. He doesn't exist???? :(

    But I sent my xmas list in already!!!! Who will bring me my yearly installment of modified sex toys now?!.... Dammit looks like I'll have to go to that Ann Summers party after all....AND PAY.... oh Santa I weep at my lost hopes and wishes...sorry kids your presents will have to wait mum needs to buy her own first!
  15. Don't you worry tiger baby, I'm father christmas in disguise, I can't deliver your toys this year, but you are very welcome to call round personally to collect them. I will even show you how to use some of the battery operated ones !!! ( until sunflower reads this post....then I'm dead meat )