Sales of l115-a3 sniper rifles soar

Daily Mash, again

SALES of the British-built L115A3 long-range sniper rifle have risen by almost 250% in a single week, it emerged last night.

Fuck your iPad
The record-breaking increase comes after a corporal in the Household Cavalry blew the heads off five Taliban insurgents from the bathroom window of his house in Oxfordshire, almost 4000 miles away.

The corporal, who cannot be identified because he is probably Andy McNab, was at home photo-shopping his face out of his own wedding pictures when he received an SOS call from a platoon who were pinned down and required urgent sniper assistance.

Sources said the corporal made the kills then ran to the other side of the house and won a fairground sharp-shooting competition that was taking place in Houston, Texas.

A spokesman from manufacturers Accuracy International who wished to remain anonymous because he is probably Andy McNab said: "It's a versatile killing machine that you can a potter around with at home or use as part of CIA black-op that does not exist."

Mother-of-two Sally Gordon, from Hatfield, bought an L115A3 for her son's ninth birthday. She said: "All I heard for about a week was 'mummy can I have an L115A3? Mummy can I have an L115A3?'. It was driving me bonkers.

"I found a website that was doing them half price and he could trade in his RPA Rangemaster .50 at the same time. He hardly ever used that old thing anyway - the night-scope kept catching on the clip of his dungarees."

She added: "He's so happy with the L115A3. Its superior weight-to-range ratio is much better suited to his size and offers unparalleled accuracy and adaptability in a variety of adverse weather conditions. And it came with a Pizza Hut voucher."

Weekend air-rifle enthusiast Cyril Thompson who is probably Andy NcNab, said: "Before, when I took my little nephews out shooting we were limited to rats, pigeons, maybe the odd Asian. But last Sunday Eric took down two cows that were lined up with a single shot.

"Quite impressive stuff when you consider that one of them was in Colchester and the other was in Tunisia."
What kind of cows?
Very good post, thanks B-B

I can't help thinking though, that I have read somewhere else about the kid trading in his .5" (could that have been an earlier Mash story too?)

Still and all. good drills
AMERICAN and British soldiers who take down Taleban fighters with a single shot have received thank you letters from Jesus, it emerged last night.

They also get a mug
The Son of God has written to each of the trained killers to congratulate them on their skill in wiping out muslims cleanly and efficiently from up to 1500 yards away.

The Prince of Peace said: "There are few things more satisfying to me than a well-executed kill shot by an English-speaking Christian, using state-of-the-art technology.

"As I said to my beloved apostles as we rested in the Garden of Gethsemane 'get thyself into a nice, comfortable position with thy rifle butt nestling in thy shoulder before taking aim methodically and letting out a long, slow, deep breath as you squeeze the trigger'.

"And when we see the halo of blood erupting from the back of the non-believer's skull, do we not also see the glory of My Father?"

Coalition snipers have enjoyed increased success since being issued with new rifle scopes that have a little pair of bright red horns painted on the end so that they can be positioned over the soon-to-be-exploding head of their Muslim target.

Nathan Muir, chief executive of manufacturers The Psychopath Corporation, said: "We also include a biblical code on the side of the scope. I saw Pulp Fiction a few years ago and the bit with Samuel L Jackson quoting Ezekial while holding an enormous hand gun gave me a very powerful erection."

Jesus added: "Many congratulations to you and I hope you continue to kill as many human beings as you possibly can before you die."
Comparing Asians with rats? Outrage!

(they're more like weasels)
"Could've done with one of them for those Zulu's Mr Chard!"


Book Reviewer
Well, that's made my morning. I was wondering what to buy my little girl for Christmas (she's 3), and now I know. She'll be slotting choggies before you can say 'Wot's mainstream school daddy?'
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