With rumours abounding that Saddam is being offered safe passage out of Iraq and and into a safe haven abroad, here are a few pointers for you if he swaps his Presidential Palaces in Bagdad for a surplus quarter near you. ??? You receive invitation to house warming 'rally'. Bring own bottle and AK47. Hans Blix inturupts your breakfast to search your loft and garden shed. Your "Dixons Household Geiger Counter" goes off the scale and canary dies suddenly. On returning from Tescos you find your drive way blocked---by a Republican Guard T72. Morning paper is not delivered and Kurdish owners of newsagents have mysteriously disappeared. Occurences of crowds burning US flag and effigies of Bush become a lot more common place than they once were. Ominously, Neighbourhood Watch co-ordinators, Bill and Sharon fron number 12, are replaced by former head of Iraqi Secret Police. Council puts signs on lamp posts saying "NOT to be used for public hangings". Every fifth house is bulldozed and replaced by gigantic picture of "the new bloke at number 32".