Runny sh_its...

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by eSeL, Jul 7, 2006.

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  1. Do any of the other runners on this board get stomach cramps? I do on occasions, but I got caught out a whopper a few weeks ago:

    I was out running a few weeks ago up Cavehill. If you don't know Belfast, it's a steep hill shaped like Napoleon's nose, Belfast Castle & country park in the middle of it & Belfast Zoo on the side of it. Good running terrain for cross country and nice scenery, but enough of that...

    Anyway, I had got over the top of the hill and had a few more miles through the country park to go to get back to the car when the rumbles started & I felt the ominous twitches begin. 'Oh happy days, couldn't've picked a better time' I thought, pushing myself up the last hill; a good incentive if any to get back to car at a speed which would make Linford envious. 'I can make it, keep going!!'

    Sadly, my need to make it to the car and my bowel's need to empty itself were mutually incompatible goals, and the bowel had the force on it's side, not to mention a dodgy chicken curry. I managed to spray through either side of my running shorts before diving into a bush to finish the job off properly, but not before a group of middle-aged walkers had trundled into range to observe the whole sorry scene.

    A few tuts, a couple of disgusted look, and a 'I thought only the monkeys do that up here' glib comment were enough to complete the humiliation. (Even if I'd wanted to fling sh_it at the nosy gits, it wouldn't be possible, it had reached the brown steam stage). The eventual slow walk back to the car minus ruined running shorts was the longest I can remember.

    *edit to get more stories*
  2. Did you walk back to the car with your tackle hanging free?

    I suppose it's less embarrassing to be thought a flasher, rather than having everyone see that you'd shat yourself.
  3. Nah, long shirt - looked more like girl in a tennis skirt. It was one of those days...
  4. I was expecting a thread on being caught shagging, but this is *much* better.
  5. Yeah get them all the time unless i sit on toilet for 15 minutes before a run and squeeze till my sphincter bleeds complete with the rocking motion you need to get the true lurkers out.

    Any cures out there?

    Hilarious story by the way :D
  6. I remember having a similar problem once back in basic.

    As I hobbled slowly along trying to keep my buttocks clenched, and not take steps longer than about six inches, I was unavoidably falling further and further back.

    Obviously it didn't take long for this to get the attention of the PTI! Next thing I know he's running alongside giving me the immortal words of encouragement;
    "Come on Tartan, force it out!" This was, to put it mildly, a poor choice of words!

    Being a recruit and having just got the hang of the instant obeyment thing..........I obeyed.

    Good thing the blue PT shorts were so baggy!
  7. spike7451

    spike7451 RIP

    I was coming back from Lisburn a while back in the car,(Hillhall Rd heading for Sunnyside St TAC) & I got caught short,Cue a rally driving stint round the back of Shaws Bridge,pulls up at a old building site,leaps out the car grabbing some napkins & diving behind a tall wall of the site.Kek's down in time for a eruption of hot molten sh1te & a intense sigh of relief!!
    Thankfully,I missed my keks!
  8. Eat corn flour it won't stoop then but should thickenthem up ok or get a laptop with a wireless connection better than reading a paper might even find some decent porn to crack 1 off to
  9. I too expected something else but I wasn't dissapointed. Top quality story
  10. *bump*
  11. A great day out I'm sure :eek:

    Remember to take a spare change of cloths the next time :eek:
  12. When i was on a six month tour of Kenya, about eight of us new boys got invited to do an overnights camping trip at a game reserve called "Hells Garden", by one of the permanent staff.
    So off we went packed with loads of booze and food. Arrived at the location and set up our two man tents. We had a right laugh, and got well stuck in to the Tusca beer and Amurula. Made a massive fire as you do, and cooked some of the game meats we had. As the night was drawing in we started to play the daft games like putting a can out so far in the pitch black and the next person having to bring it back, so on and so on, while all the time you could hear the wildlife quite loudly, especially the Hyena"s...These games continued for most of the night, including throwing left over meat around each others tents and around the place (very fcuking funny at the time i must say). That is until a few start going to bed and the noise of the animals gets evermore closer, and your tent mate is so rat arrsed he is put in his bed. At which point everyone else decides to call it a night, so i do as well. Couldnt have been in the tent more than fifteen minutes when my mucker decides to unload the contents of his stomach right next to me. The stench of Amurula nearly killed me, but had no where else to go so just span around and got my head down.
    God knows how long i had been asleep, but cant have been very long, and i started to get the most awful stomach cramps and could feel very definite bowel movement. So thought i will get up for a crap, stuck my head out of the tent and was about to go for said dump, when all i could hear were all these very loud animal noises...Now i aint that brave or stupid to get out of the tent, when i can here all that going off, but was by now absolutely desperate to go...
    So did all i could think of at the time in a drunken stupour, got the tent bag and shat in that, well i aint proud of myself for doing it, and its not the best looking at some other drunken fool full of spew while doing the said deed.
    Went back to sleep, and in the morning was the most unpopular person ever..Got sent to Coventry and made to clean all the camping gear including sh*tty tent bag when we got back to camp !!
  13. Lucky i wasn't up there on my mountain bike with my mates you dirty fecker! Would have tortured ya if I'd caught you shitting in a Public place!