Discussion in 'The Intelligence Cell' started by OldRedCap, Apr 14, 2006.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. Found these whilst bored - that explains what I was doing on a Yank site. However, there is a similarity of attitudes and I wonder if we could come up with some British specific equivalents?

    How the Military deal with snakes...

    1.Infantry: Tracks Snake through jungle. Snake smells them and quickly leaves area, travelling upwind.

    2.Parachute Regiment: Lands on and kills snake.

    3.Armour: Runs over snake, laughs and looks for more snakes.

    4.Cavalry: Treats snake with haughty disdain as having no impact on primary objective: to hold London against Roundheads at all costs.

    5.Royal Marine Commando: Plays with snake, gets smashed with snake. Eats snake

    6.Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares tactical plan for fixing snake using counter-mobility assets and defeating snake using mobility assets. Chain of command pays no attention. Snake falls into hole dug by infantry and drowns.

    7.Artillery: Fires 3 hour concentrated barrage. Misses snake. Tree blown up by stray round falls on snake and kills it. Mission declared successful and all participants awarded gallantry medals.

    8.Special Forces: Makes contact with snake and, ignoring Foreign Office directives, builds rapport with snake and starts winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files massive expenses claim. Writes best-seller “Python Two Zero”.

    9.Army Medical Services: Snake dies by mistake on operating table. Dissects snake.

    10.Royal Navy: Fires 183 missiles from 17 ships. Estimates 60% of snake killed. Makes PowerPoint presentation to MoD Select Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost effective means of conducting anti-snake operations.

    11.TA: Kills snake by accident on weekend camp. Keeps quiet about it.

    12.RAF: Obtains geo-co-ordinates for snake. Alerts 40 Jaguars, 20 Harriers, and RAF Regiment. Loads laser-guided bombs by mistake. Flies in at 20,000 feet, can’t find snake so drops bombs in sea on way home. Returns to base for crew rest, dry-cleaning collection, facial and manicure.

    13.Intelligence Corps: Snake? What snake? Only 4 of 35 indicators of snake presence currently active. Assesses potential for snake activity as low. Dies of snake-bite.

    14.Defence Logistic Organisation: Orders 2 year Study by Anderson Consultants at cost of £1.5M. generating massive workload at grade I staff level. Report finds that killing snake may contribute to 20% Output costing savings by inclusion of snake meat in tri-Service messing. Snake Meat Implementation Team formed, with 2-star tri-Service steering group. Aim to introduce snake meat into all messes and ration packs by 2002. Snake experts from Special Forces and Ghurkhas do not know what they are talking about. High profile £2M PR campaign launched featuring celebrity chef Ainsley Harriott and retired 4-star officers keen to supplement their excessive pensions. Snake meat launched in Service messes and restaurants to resounding clamour of apathy. Desperate to recoup lost money, Army demolishes 300 married quarters and sells snake meat holdings to Indian and Canadian Armed Forces.

    15.Defence Procurement Agency: Decide they want to buy a Snake. Offer ambiguous contract out for tender. Contract states that an eel will be supplied as Government Furnished Equipment and must be modified to meet the performance characteristics of a snake as laid out in the aforementioned ambiguous contract. 6 years late and 3 billion pounds over budget, the project is scrapped and a COTS snake is bought from the USA for billion.

    16.Adjutant General: Determines that the snake is not black, female, homosexual or disabled. Loses interest.
  3. Plans:

    Infantry.  Can’t read plan but takes it very seriously nevertheless. Fablons plan and issues it on orange card to every man, with Sgts carrying spare plans just in case. Mortar Pl make their own plan, which is heavier, and issue 2 to everyone else in Bn.

          Parachute Regiment.  Plans are for Hats. Deploys first on any operation that appears, while everyone else is still writing plans. Jumps, lands in wrong place, taking 50% casualties in ankle injuries and leaving ammunition behind in Colchester.  

          Cavalry.   Looks at plan but sees arrows and realises plan involves degree of navigation that could be considered constraining to manoeuvre. Opts to drive off at speed until track sheds and then have impromptu Pimms party. Ad hoc plan ruined by lack of Pimms filters. Applies to join AAC as Apache pilot.

          Royal Marines Commando.  Pretends to be very laid back about plan and talks about drinking and being naked instead but secretly gets very competitive about plan, using senior Navy men to say plan can only work with Commandos because it requires poise, reach and hoofing wets.

          Combat Engineer.  Likes plans. Takes plan and adds whole new bits, with diagrams no-one else understands or cares about. Still adding new bits when plan changes at which point previous work becomes irrelevant. Has a huff and blames Chieftain chassis for not allowing Engrs to keep up with pace of everyone else’s thinking.

          Artillery.  Also likes plans. Makes very detailed plans, with numbers, timings and smoke. Talks a lot about HE, smoke and last safe moments. Everyone recognises last safe moment was passed as soon as Gunners allowed anywhere near plan. Despite plan all guns just keep firing until ammo runs out. Commanders lucky enough not to have Artillery support feel safe enough to get on with battle and win.  Remainder hide under map table until firing ceases then call for ambulances.  After firing Gunner officers check all guns are still pointing roughly in the direction of the enemy. Random shots rearward are put down as encouragement to log chain to bring up more ammo.  

          Special Forces.  Writes plan in pencil on back of Max Factor ‘Make-up for Boys’ Compac.  Checks for tan-lines and makes sure no-one else has a scooby what plan is. Ensures plan is different from one everyone else working to and checks that it will make suitable story for follow on novel on exit from service. Places tape over eyes, can’t see plan anymore and gets captured by locals.

          REME.  Happy to see plan but disturbed by lack of attention to Health and Safety issues. Places yellow warning sign in front of plan (which everyone trips over) and issues COSHH instructions on actions to take if you get plan in your eye.

          RLC.  On encountering plan immediately looks for Annex on sustainability. If one is present immediately guffaws at lack of detail and doubles all timelines. If not present, stays silent to avoid having to write one. Says that plan depends on key enablers (chefs, posties, small round blokes with clipboards) and demands doubling of logistic staff to carry out plan. Goes off for double lunch.

          Royal Signals.  Uses plan to bolster rather poor profile by incorporating term J6 everywhere. J6 becomes hugely important without anyone knowing why. J6 reps with J6 plan appear everywhere but stay strangely silent during any meaningful discussion. If questioned J6 rep sucks teeth and says ‘Bandwidth’ before sinking back into silence. Non-J6 types begin to wonder whether weedkiller can halt J6 spread, but J6 mutates into J6/DBM and grows faster. Plan stays silent and prevents close scrutiny by exuding streams of 1s and 0s to deter investigation.

          Army Medical Services.  Doesn’t like plans because they always involve cuts. Gets confused because cuts mean more business. Has crisis of contradiction and has to get TA doctors in from NHS to sort problem out.

          Intelligence Corps.  Looks closely at plan and assesses its relevance to resurgent Russia. While studying, plane flies into Old War Office. Survivors spend huge staff effort working out how to predict when planes will be flown into buildings. Libyan ship crawls slowly up Thames.
  4. you lot really need to get out more often :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: