Rules of the silver screen

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous Jokes' started by Civvy-Ginge, Sep 13, 2010.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. Rules For Life on the Silver Screen

    During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a
    strip club at least once.

    All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

    Most dogs are immortal.

    If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a
    passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

    All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the
    armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying
    beside her.

    All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French

    It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in
    the control tower to talk you down.

    Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba

    The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding
    place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you
    can travel to any other part of the building you wish without

    If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more
    ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.

    You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you
    make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart
    back home.

    Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will
    not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

    If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or
    killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade
    or his forthcoming art exhibition.

    The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

    A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating
    but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

    If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown
    through it before long.

    The Chief of Police is always black.

    When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out
    a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always
    be the exact fare.

    Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from
    elsewhere in the universe.

    Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at
    night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

    If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any
    strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

    Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always
    say: Enter Password Now.

    Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family
    every morning even though their husband and children never have
    time to eat it.

    Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

    The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or
    give him 48 hours to finish the job.

    A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of
    RFK Stadium.

    Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

    Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an
    object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will
    have lost this technology.

    Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

    It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or
    ending phone conversations.

    Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary
    to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few

    All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red
    readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

    It is always possible to park directly outside the building you
    are visiting.

    A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from

    If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump
    into will know all the steps.

    Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the
    communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

    It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight
    involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to
    attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner
    until you have knocked out their predecessors.

    When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they
    will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

    No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic
    eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

    Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make
    sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total

    When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to
    each other.

    You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

    Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds
    - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped

    An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause
    no lasting damage to an eight year old child.

    Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you
    personally at that precise moment."
  2. Fang_Farrier

    Fang_Farrier LE Reviewer Book Reviewer

    The 555 telephone number is done deliberately to prevent accidental misuse of an actual number.
  3. Bloody Brilliant! :D