Stolen from The Other Place Rules of Engagement The Rockall Times Blair issues Iraq combat instructions - There will be no war, explains PM. by Geoff Pattison President Tony "Winston" Blair will later today confirm that there is unlikely to be a war with Iraq. Or if there is that British troops are unlikely to be involved. Or if they are involved, they are unlikely to be killed. Or if there are killed, that there are unlikely to be many of them. Or if a lot are killed, then it is unlikely anyone really important will be involved. "Just in case a war does take place," said Blair speaking from behind the gates of Downing Street, "my War Cabinet will be issuing a set of guidelines to each soldier likely to be in contact with forces from another country - to call them the enemy would, I think, be too provocative." The guidelines, produced at a cost of only 76p per household per day, give detailed instructions on how best to deal with armies from countries who may not be as friendly as we are, without laying oneself open to charges of racism, aggression, intolerance of the beliefs of others, xenophobia or unreasonable behaviour of any kind. "After all," added Blur, "we're British." The 890 pages of Official Guidelines for Approaching Someone in an Unlikely War are summarised below: When encountering someone who looks as though they may be foreign, greet them cheerily and ask if they are British. [Note that if they do turn out to be British, then this enquiry will result in a court martial for racism.] If they do not reply, or reply in the negative, repeat the enquiry twice more to give them every chance to correct any mistake. Offer them political asylum. [A set of benefit books, taxi routes and legal aid claim forms must be carried by all soldiers at all times to avoid any inconvenience to potential refugees.] If fired on, say in a loud voice "Come on now, is that any way to behave?" Use only reasonable force in the face of attack - that is, just enough force to avoid being killed too badly. On no account must the attacker be more injured than the defender. Do not use your rifle. Keep a stiff upper lip and remember what you're fighting for. If anyone does happen to know what they're fighting for, please inform your commander who will immediately relay it to the government. A patriotic post-script by Deputy Puppet Master John Prescott is included on the back of the guidelines with instructions encouraging it be cut out neatly and framed to provide morale. It reads: "Be certainly to therefore, and I say unto you, may the good likely next to incredulous. Your government will undoubtedly everything for suchlike, and so think on!"